Somewhere Else

Chapter 15: The Road Not Imagined (i)

It serves him right if he hasn't eaten yet. I hope he goes hungry. Why is he here out of the blue? What is he thinking? Replying to some texts doesn't mean everything is fine between us again.

And the others... I almost turn back, then hold myself still. They are out of my line of sight, but I am sure, from Aksel's occasional glances to a space behind me, that they are avidly watching the unfolding of events.

This run-in feels different from when I saw him again back at his apartment. Then, it was controlled and expected. I had been mentally prepared. His visit today has come out of nowhere.

This is a space that's supposed to be mine. He doesn't belong here. It's bad enough that I have to try to avoid the entire district of Töölö, I don't want the university to remind me of him too. I am just starting to enjoy my time in class, to feel like I belong somewhere in this city. He has no right to intrude now. Not after he tried to chase me out of the country.

"I was thinking," Aksel says, sliding his hands back into his pockets. He's hunched over a little – the curse of the tall. "I've been meaning to text you about it, but... I was wondering..."

He flails into a bout of silence.

I'm still on the defensive. "What?" The word comes out sounding like the rough edges of an uncut stone.

"I was going to say... If you can't find a place to stay, you can always move back in." His words sound grating, like a heavy, unused door that he's leaning his entire weight against to push open.

I stand mute. Did he really have to come all the way here to say this in person?

Aksel's eyes flicker up to mine, then trail away again.

"I have a place now," I say. "I'm staying with my friend." I gesture vaguely to the space somewhere behind me, where I assume Priscilla and the others are still standing. I don't turn around to check.

"Yes, but..." He is being strangely insistent. "That can't be a permanent solution."

"I don't need a permanent solution," I point out. "I'm not staying here forever."

"How long are you staying, then?"

I shrug. "I don't know."

Aksel glances away, then back. "Well... You can still move back, if you need to. I have enough space."

"Why would I? We're not together anymore."

"Friends can live together," he says. "You're staying with a friend now."

"Yes, but you and I are not friends," I say. "You threw me out of your life. That's not what people do if they want to stay friends." Without my permission, the last word cracks my voice.

He starts to shake his head in denial, but the tears gathering in my eyes blur the motion of his movement.

Yes.

Such a common word – made up of three simple letters. Even now, the thought of his one-word text message is enough to make my breath hitch.

"I don't know why you would even suggest that," I snap at him, my tone sharpened by the memory even as my vision goes blurry. "I don't want to see you every day."

He doesn't physically recoil, but there is something about the way he stands that shifts slightly. It looks as if he's curling back into himself.

I blink wildly to clear my sight. "Why did you come?"

I think for a moment that he might come up with another excuse, but he finally says, lowly, "I wanted to see you."

"Do you..." I try not to let the glimmer of hope shine through as I ask this, "Do you want to get back together or something?"

This time, he does recoil at my words.

My heart bleeding, I lash out at him, "Even if you did, I wouldn't want to. You booted me out of your life at a time when I needed you. I wouldn't be with you if you were the last man on Earth."

"That's not what I––" Then he bites back his words. All of a sudden, I see the exhaustion of the previous months settle back onto him. Sprinkled over the layer of fatigue is a tiny spark I recognise as resentment. "It's been hard for me too, you know."

"You? What about me? I'm the one who had to sacrifice everything."

"You never try to understand my side of things," he shoots at me. From the raised tone of his voice, his anger is getting the better of him as well. "Not once did you try to understand how hard it was for me, too."

I laugh – a brittle, ringing laugh. "Are you being fucking serious right now?"

"I just want to talk." He's glaring at me as if it's all my fault.

I had wanted to talk a few weeks ago.

Yes, he had typed.

"Well, maybe it's too late now."

"Emilie..." He steps forward, and I stumble back. He stops. "Look. I thought you would go back to Hamburg. I didn't think..."

"Whether or not I stay is my own business."

"I think we need to talk."

"Leave me alone!" The tears come crowding out again. I blink them furiously away. "I don't want to talk anymore. You left me a plane ticket and chased me out of your life. I left. What else do you want?"

"I didn't chase you out of my life," he says, but his voice has dropped to a mumble. He knows what he did.

I ignore his denial. "You did. So just imagine that I went back to Hamburg. It's none of your business what I do now. Just let me live my life, damn it."

The silence after I stop is so loud, I can almost hear him breathing jerkily.

"Yeah," he says, looking down on the ground. There is a fixed smile on his lips – a smile of grim resignation. "Okay. I get it." He takes a few steps back, then jerks to an abrupt stop. "Sorry for coming here. I won't bother you anymore."

I watch as he turns and walks away. I keep staring, even after he has vanished beyond the gates of the compound.

"Did you really have to tell him off like that?" Zuzi asks. Even she sounds subdued. I turn and see the group of them scattered at various distances behind her. Frederik is resolutely looking at his phone and not at me. Ludo, the most laidback of them all, simply raises an eyebrow when he meets my gaze.

It is Priscilla who comes closer and sees that I am about to cry, properly this time. She throws her arms around me and gives me a hard squeeze. "It's okay," she whispers in my ear. Her blonde hair tickles the side of my cheek. My breath hitches. My eyes fill.

"It's okay," Priscilla whispers again, as I crumple into her sturdy hug and begin to sob.