Somewhere Else

Chapter 6: Drifting (i)

Of course, what you want and what you have to do are usually completely different things. Besides, I couldn't quit even if I wanted to – Aksel is paying for it. There are no refunds for this class. I'm not about to waste his money like that.

Plus, I keep telling myself, this class will help me in the long run. I need a job in Finland. I need to know Finnish. I just have to suck it up and learn the language.

This logic doesn't stop the dread from festering deep in the pit of my stomach as I head into class the next day.

Okay, I tell myself, watching my shoes as I trudge down the corridor towards the open doorway of classroom A45. I will be friendly today. I will take my seat beside Priscilla, and when she looks at me, this time I will smile at her.

And then I step into the classroom and freeze. Settling down into my seat from yesterday – the seat beside Priscilla – is a wisp of a girl with large glasses and a frizzy head of dark hair. Even as I watch her, she turns to Priscilla with a bright smile and offers her hand, obviously introducing herself.

She must have arrived mere minutes before I did. And she wasn't here yesterday. Maybe she's new?

I clutch the door frame with one hand, biting my lip. What do I do? Where do I sit now?

I take a quick, furtive glance around the room – nobody is looking directly at me, even though I have been standing in the doorway for what feels like ages – and see that the seat on Priscilla's other side is open.

Okay. I can sit there. And it's beside Priscilla, too. Maybe I'll be able to talk to her today. Introduce myself. Just like that other girl did all so easily.

It's no big deal. All I have to do is smile and say hi.

If she looks up, I tell myself, I will smile at her.

But as I walk down the row to the seat, she doesn't even turn to look at me. She is too busy engaged in conversation with the new girl.

I sit down, feeling oddly deflated.

I fiddle with my books for a long moment, only half-listening in on their conversation. I don't know what the new girl's name is. But judging from the way she is prattling away, she is one of those outgoing, always-happy types. The type most suited to quickly make friends.

The complete opposite of me.

And now she's befriended Priscilla in my stead.

Then I shake my head at myself, because even I know it doesn't work like that. I have no right to begrudge the new girl her personality, or her ease at making friends. If I were friendlier, more outgoing... Priscilla smiled at me yesterday. I should have reciprocated. It's my own fault that I have missed my chance now.

"Hey." A third voice chimes in, and both Priscilla and the new girl pause in their conversation to look up.

One of the guys from yesterday – I forget his name. There are so many faces, so many names, so many nationalities in this class. I can't keep track of them all.

He heads over and perches himself on the edge of Priscilla's table. "Pris," he places a hand on top of the desk and leans in close to her. Not once does he glance in my direction, even though I am staring directly at him. "How are you?"

He has a really distinct accent. Scandinavian, maybe? The way he pronounces certain words reminds me of the accents of some Swedes I used to know. He looks the part, too – the smooth, strong features paired with bright blue eyes.

It suddenly occurs to me that I haven't spoken with Kjell in ages. Maybe I ought to get back in touch. Good friends are hard to come by.

"Hey," Priscilla replies, tilting her head back to look up at him. "I'm fine, thanks. You?"

"Not bad. What are you doing tonight? Ludo and I are hanging out later. Wanna come with us?"

"Where to?"

The new girl, not to be left out, jumps in. "Hey! Where are you guys going? Can I come? – I'm Zuzana, by the way, but you can call me Zuzi. I'm from Slovakia."

"Frederik," he replies, "Denmark. Sure, come with us. The more the merrier."

"Awesome!" Zuzi grins. "You know, I missed the first day and I was afraid it would be hard to make friends after, but this is really nice."

Priscilla laughs. "It's just one day. You didn't miss much."

It's odd. We all joined the class at the same time – just yesterday, in fact – but some of them have already become fast friends.

How do they do it? How do people connect so quickly?

I know exactly how socially awkward I am. It takes me a long time to open up to people. And before then, I am so silent, so withdrawn, that people tend not to notice me. Like now – I am being overlooked again. Nobody is making eye contact with me. Nobody is coming to talk to me.

Maybe nobody in the class even remembers my name.

If only I were taking a Finnish course back in Hamburg, I find myself thinking wistfully. I could've handled that. I could've handled three measly hours of Finnish class every day, if it meant I could step out of class back into my own reality – a reality in German, in a language I already know. In a place where I already have friends. I don't have any friends here, much less such good friends. It's too hard, at this age, to make friends like that anymore.

I've moved here too late. Maybe if I had grown up in Finland...

"Okay," says Elina, clapping her hands to get the class's attention. I look up and see her standing at the teacher's desk in the front. I had been so caught up in my own thoughts that I hadn't noticed her arrival in the class. "Is everyone here? Good. Let's start."

And I find myself wishing that I could start again.

Start over.

Relive my life, this time in Finland. Where I could grow up with the language, with the culture, with friends here... Grow up more Finnish. More like Aksel. Become someone who would fit perfectly into his life now, instead of being me – someone he has to worry about all of the time.