Chapter 19

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"It will only be a few..." I hesitate. 

"Months? Years?" Edel asks. 

"Edel, I have to do this, you know I do," I justify.

"I know, I know."

"Then let me do what I have to do."

"I can't," Edel fixes me with a blazing stare. 

"Why?"

"I don't know Alma," Edel whispers.

"Tell me."

"I can't."

"Yes you can. Tell me why," I persist. 

"No," he drops his head. 

He stands up and swallows the last of his oatmeal, slams his bowl down and stomps out of the dining hall.

I have no words. He's never like this. Ever.

I stare at the brown oats, stirring it until it's cold. The tears flow freely down my cheeks, splashing periodically onto the scratched wooden table.

I feel a gentle hand and look up. Through the blur of my tears I can see the outline of the wrinkled old woman who assists serving the district during mealtimes.

"Hey. Soldier Coin. Time to go," she says.

I wipe away my tears and look around me. Apart from the two of us, the dining hall is empty. How long have I sat here?

"What's the matter dearie?"

I shake my head. I can't trust myself to speak. If I can speak, that is. I can feel the lump that has grown in my throat.

"Finish your stew dear, get some rest, you look exhausted," she smiles sadly.

I watch her go.

I shakily lift my sleeve up to my nose and rub the snot away. Then I gulp down the cold, tasteless stew and leave the room.

Even though I have duties this evening, I make the decision to abandon them all. Instead, I mindlessly make my way to my dormitory and cry until my eyes are sore. Cry until my cheeks sting. Cry unitl my throat is sore. Cry until I can't can't cry anymore.

It wasn't easy making this decision. Life isn't easy. I knew that. People told me that.  But what no one told me was how difficult this could be.

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