Out Of Reach [ Phanfiction ]

Chapter 5: Feel

I still wasn't sure if it was really official. We kissed, does that mean it gets official? Was there a contract you had to sign to become someone's girlfriend or boyfriend? I realized I knew little to nothing about love.

Love was weird, yet everyone wanted it in life and it was said without it, you wouldn't be able to live a long, happy life. Although I didn't completely know what love was, I knew that I enjoyed it and that I wanted to share it with Phil.

When I asked Phil what we were, he said whatever I wanted us to be. Whatever I thought we were. That was exactly the problem. I didn't know what we were and I didn't care. I did not know. But what I knew for sure was that I was utterly in love. I daydreamed about him a lot. He actually was the cause of my grades dropping.

Every week I'd look forward to the English and geography lessons with Phil. We would hold hands underneath our desks, no one could notice that way. We couldn't do anything more though, I didn't want to risk Phil getting bullied again. In some moments I really, really wanted to kiss him. It hurt, but seeing him getting bullied would hurt ever more.

I couldn't imagine school without him. Everyday I would wake up, wanted to go to school. Not for the lessons, but for Phil. Everything for Phil. Anything.

"And the answer is, mister Howell?", I got dragged out of my thoughts by Mrs Lee. "I erm, I don't know... I wasn't paying attention, I am sorry", I apologize. I felt Phil squeezing my hand just a little bit tighter as he smirked. "I already thought so. Please pay attention to my classes, will you?"

-

The rain clattered on the windows. "I'm home!", I shouted, even though I knew there would be no one home till at least 9 PM tomorrow, due my parents were on a business trip. "I'm drenched like a boiled potato in gravy at Christmas", Phil said. His word choice always seemed to amaze me. "What the actual fuck, Phil?" We both bursted into laughing. We missed the bus after school so we had to walk home in the streaming rain for at least half an hour, without umbrella or so. Our coats weren't exactly waterproof either. "Not to sound weird, but we have to get out of our clothes. It's freezing", I said. Phil looked into my eyes for a second. I had never seen him without a shirt, nor did he see me. We didn't have PE together, which maybe was better. If I ever see him undressed or even in his underwear, I know I can't stay off of him. We walked upstairs to my room to get some clothes. "You can borrow one of my sweaters if you'd like", I suggested while I slowly stepped closer to him. His face was only about 5 inces away from mine. I wanted him to make the step. And he did.

His lips locked together with mine. It started of with sweet, little kisses. I put one hand on his (wet) neck, while the other hand was failing, trying to take off his shirt. That was the only thing interrupting our kiss. "Gah you doofus! Let me help", Phil said and took off his own shirt. I couldn't help but stare at his pale chest. He wasn't muscular at all, but little did I care. "Better than I imagined", I whispered. I put my hands on his waist and pulled him even closer. He felt great.

In contrast to me, Phil took off my shirt in one smooth move. We moved even closer and we were skin to skin now. It felt cold and wet, yet amazing. You could still hear the rain fall against the windows.

I pushed him onto my bed as our kiss intensified. I climbed on top of him - what was actually pretty hard because I couldn't spread my legs that much, due to my slightly low crotched jeans. I felt his bulge growing under mine. "I don't know if I want to go this far", Phil said while we were catching our breaths. "It's alright", I responded. "It's a big thing. I think we should wait for the moment. It'll come. Until then...", I said and kissed him once more, "...we can keep doing this", I finished what I was saying. "I agree", he said.

I climbed off him and lied down next to him. I sighed while I stared at the ceiling. "It a quite big thing, isn't it?", I started. "Hm? You mean..?", he asked and turned over to his side to look at me. "Yes. Sex. Everyone does it like it's as normal as eating or walking. The truth is, there's way more behind it." It was silent for a good ten seconds. The only sound I heard was the rain. "I never thought of it like that. It's true. Do you ever... erm, fantasize about it?", he asked nervously. "Me? Of course I do. You can't deny, you do it too. Everyone does it", I said. I grabbed his hand. "It's human after all", I added. "Dan, I am actually quite nervous about it. Since I've never had, you know, sex. Forget with a boy", he confessed. Phil continued: "Not that I don't want it, of course I want it. It's just such a huge step. A step I want to share with you. Have you ever done it before?", he asked. "Me? No. I've had little, non-serious relationships with some girls in my school but that was nothing. Just holding hands and little cheek kisses, but nothing serious. It didn't feel special", I said. "But with you, well, you are a different story, Phil. I just feel the need to protect you and be with you", I said and kissed his hand.

"I love you Dan."

"I love you too."