You Idiot | Bakudeku/Suicidal Deku

1 - Nightmare

Bakugo POV (TW, Mentions and description of suicide)

"Nerd, what are you doing?"

Deku's eyes widened, and he looked out of the corner of his eye shyly like he always did. His little hands began trembling, he shut the notebook he was writing in with two hands. He looked up at me.

There was fear shimmering in his eyes like always. I'd seen it multiple times, the way he acted like someone about to take a shot. It was the pure fear in his eyes, and the way he just accepted it. I reached out and shoved the notebook off his desk. It slid away on the floor, and he bit his lip.

"What did it look like I was doing?" he growled, staring at his desk.

Then the fear was in my eyes. I saw there was a single paper on his desk, it was covered in messy writing. I didn't have time to read it all, but the first words popped out like they were written in bright red.

I'm sorry...

"No, no..." I groaned, I grabbed him by the shoulder, but then he was standing in front of me crying. He shoved the paper into my hands.

The second the paper touched the tips of my fingers, my lips were moving, and the words I'd said before were echoing through my ears.

"Why don't you take a swan dive off the roof?!"

He smiled. "Ok..."

No...

Wind was whipping around our heads, and he was walking backwards, still smiling at me. I grabbed him, but he just slipped through my fingers like a ghost.

"Stop!" I yelled, all of a sudden I wasn't able to move.

"This is your fault." he said, before he began falling, falling, and I was still screaming for him.

* * *

"Don't jump!" I growled loudly, my fingers digging into the covers around me. I hissed through my teeth. Tears streamed down my face, and I wiped them away with the back of my hand.

I remember that day he ran to the roof, where I was spending my lunch break. I just wanted one hour alone. Deku's little face was scared, but he didn't take much notice of me. Just a glance, a tear rolling down his cheek, and he moved past me. Immediately fear gripped me, especially when I saw the numb, empty look in his eyes.

He must have noticed the way I froze in fear and stared at him, because then sped up, and I couldn't breathe as his hands grabbed at the chain-link fence surrounding the entire roof.

That was when I leapt to my feet and ran after him. He began climbing the fence, but he couldn't get more than a few feet up before I grabbed him.

"Stop! What the hell are you doing?!" I cried, pulled him violently to the ground. I stared into his bright green eyes as they filled with tears.

"Shut the fuck up." he growled. "When have you cared?" He stalked off. I followed him to make sure he wasn't going to another point on the roof, but he went back to the exit, and stomped down the stairs in a huff.

The guilt overwhelmed me as I thought about what he nearly did. He almost jumped off the damn roof. He almost killed himself...

I never wanted him to die, I never wanted him to get hurt, but I had too many insecurities and struggled with my emotions.

I was worried that if I didn't push him away, if I let him care too much about me, or let myself care too much about him, that someone would get hurt. Instead, I ended up hurting him worse than anyone, and with myself caring for him more than anyone.

I wrenched the covers off of me and threw them at the ground.

It's been a year, Katsuki. Get over it. I thought, running a hand through my spiky blonde hair. He's doing better than ever, and thriving, you should be happy for him.

I turned on the sink in my bathroom, and let my hands be soaked with cold water before splashing it onto my face. I walked back to my bed, and picked up my phone on the bedside table. It read 6: 48. I'm on time, kinda early though

Classes started at 8: 15, so I had enough time to get dressed and go for a walk. I didn't feel like walking, but I didn't feel like talking to people. I decided to wait in my dorm.

As quietly as I could I slipped on my uniform. Force of habit, considerinng when I lived back with my parents I got used to getting up early and not waking anyone up. My mom got really pissed off if she found me wandering around before 8:00.

"Shit!" I growled, as my ringtone went off, shrieking a high-pitched tone throughout my apartment. I grabbed the phone and angrily took the call.

"Why the hell are you calling me so early?" I snarled. Kirishima laughed through the phone.

"I wanted to see if you were up." he laughed a little when I stayed silent.

Finally, I spoke. "So, shitty hair, you called me at 6AM?!"

"It's seven. Don't hang up, I actually-"

"Shut the hell up." I rolled my eyes.

I hung up quickly and put away my phone.