You Idiot | Bakudeku/Suicidal Deku

71 - Best Friend

Deku POV

Ok, ok, ok, don't do it.

You've been doing great for so long, you can last this time, no problem. It's fine. I continued to twist the charm between my fingers, thinking his name over and over.

I guess he saw me out of the corner of his eye, because Kirishima suddenly made strict eye contact with me, and his expression darkened slightly. He looked away, pouting, before mumbling something to Kacchan.

The blonde's head swiveled around.

"Deku!" He yelped, shock crossing his face for a few seconds before he managed to compose himself, swinging off the counter and turning to fully face me.

Somehow, the way he looked panicked to see me there, it made me wonder.

What did I walk in on?

"Hey love." I said almost bitterly. It sounded sarcastic, and that made me wince a little in embarassment. In an attempt to divert his attention from what I said, instead I strode forward, stuffing my hands in my pockets as I walked up to him.

The moment I got close to him, and inhaled his sweet scent of smoke and soap I went into a sort of trance, nuzzling my cheek into his chest and resting my head on his collar. His shirt was soft.

He put a hand on my back, holding me up as I slumped against him.

I mumbled something incoherant, my eyes almost sliding shut as I attempted to remain in an upright position. The blonde helped me, but seemed distracted. Nobody said a word.

After a few seconds of me resting on him he shifted under me, and nudged my cheek with his knuckle.

"Izuku..." He said in a low voice. "You can't just use me as your personal pillow." He growled.

I snorted hard at his sudden change of demeanor, despite it being the norm for him. A small smile brushed my lips as I pushed myself off of him and straightened my back.

"Can you just, like, cuddle me for a while?" I said under my breath, looking up at him hopefully.

He exhaled, glancing between me and Kirishima. "Sorry, can we do that later? Im busy right now."

I tensed up a little. "Oh...ok."

It was stupid, but I could feel tears stinging my eyes. I nodded, staring at the floor, and began to back away from him, circling around the counter and heading to my room.

Fucking hell.

***

I don't want to act like a child, but I guess I couldn't help the bit of petty jealousy bubbling up within me. He looked more content than I expected, talking to someone I thought he hated.

I should ask for an explanation, right? That is, if I can do so without crying.

I'm not joking about that either.

I rolled over onto my stomach and let my head rest on Uraraka's soft thigh. She was wearing black leggings and had her legs curled up next to her, letting me rest against her while she stroked my hair.

"I just wanted cuddles from my boyfriend, y'know, after I was accused of murdering my birth father right after both my mom and father figure died in a fire." I mumbled. 

She froze for a second. "I'm sorry, what?"

"Nevermind."

I didn't really have to explain anything to her, because the small brunette wasn't one to ask questions, and remained preoccupied with her braiding of a few small strands of my dark green hair.

Without warning I felt a sharp tug on my hair. My eyes teared up on instinct.

"Oh! I'm so sorry, Deku!" She chirped. I didn't move or acknowledge her. She let out a soft sigh and went back to what she was doing.

That jerk, I can't believe he actually rejected me to talk to that stupid red-head. All he wants is Kacchan for his own, anyway, and I really thought he knew that. Unless he's just oblivious.

Or maybe he sweet-talked his way into his attention. I wouldn't put it past him, and Kacchan has always had a soft spot for him. A very, very small soft spot for him, but it was there none the less.

He also had one for me, considering the way his personality flipped every time he was alone with me. Maybe he just felt like I was vulnerable and fragile, and thought it was necessary to be far more gentle with me. I knew for a fact that was part of the reason he stayed with me.

I just want him to hold me so I could finally let myself fall apart, and he could hold me and tell me it was gonna be alright. He was comforting in a sort of nostalgic way, like how he acted before middle school, back when everything was better, in that small gap of time between my dad finally leaving and him developing a superiority mindset. That time was nice.

I wanted to talk to Kirishima, I really did, but something in his eyes warning me that it wouldn't change a thing. It was like he already decided I was dead to him.

Maybe it would be better if I was dead.

The same awful thoughts that used to infiltrate my mind regularly came flooding back.

Every day Kacchan's eyes showed a sadness, like he'd given up on me. I was so broken at this point, basically shattered pieces walking around on shaking legs, waiting for the positive turn that would never come, and wanting something to break me out of the trance, and letting me finally be just purely happy again.

Not that I could really remember a time when I was really happy. It was harder than some might think to think of the last time you experienced just undoubted joy, without some undertone of stress or despair.

I was waiting for a turn that would never come, and the farther I went, the closer I got to my inevitable death, whether I let it be at my own hands, someone else's hands, or the hands of tine and age.

With things being like that, then was there any consequence to me ending it early?

If I really could become a hero, what kind would I really be? The one who spends every lonely night at home waiting for the person I loved to come way late in the evening with some excuse, and crying in the shower as I tried to nurture the wounds inflicted by the enemies, and leave the ones I put on myself to burn into my skin and leave more scars than were necessary.

What kind of husband or boyfriend would I be to any poor soul I let get too close to me? Already Kacchan was stuck there, at least I thought so. He wouldn't leave even if he wanted to, for fear of me doing something stupid. Anybody else would quickly be repelled by my nature.

I was overthinking things as always.

"Uraraka...do you mind if I just sleep here in your room for tonight?" I said, trying my hardest to keep my tone steady. Despite my efforts my voice cracked at the end, and tears began streaming down my face without warning.

Full disclosure, the last part ended up as sort of a vent. I also am trying to write more, but anxiety levels are high, and I had a failed attempt last week °-°

49k, you guys are really cool. :) not really sure where y'all came from tho.