Letters to My Love

The end

to my love,
Maybe now it's fitting to say my last love... I know this is all so hard, all so new and different, and in the end maybe stories should have remained fantasies. I loved you, as you loved me. Alas most things reach a point where you cannot go on any longer. We had done so much, but some things we did I was not yet ready to face. Maybe you didn't hear what I tried to say, but in the end... once you passed that small threshold and didn't listen to my "no" , we had found an end. I didn't want it, not like you did. I never mean to say I was perfect in this all myself, but I just want you to look back and learn too. I want you to have a better next than stay forever stuck in broken pasts. None of this means I stopped loving you, stopped caring for you, but the sun had set on the dream we had. I needed space, I need space. Maybe you need it too. In a relationship, we shouldn't be so, codependent on each other to get through our days. While I have found myself again, and remembered the solace of the lonely, maybe you should too. Maybe you should take the time to yourself as well. I loved how dense you were, but when someone says no, please stop pushing. I loved that you were clingy, but once I realized how nervous I was to leave you too long, it wasn't healthy. I loved how we fit, with nothing more than the emotion, but you dug too deep and I didn't want to do it with you. I loved your scent, but one day you started smelling wrong. I loved your body, but you never loved it too. I loved your mind, but you hid it from me. Truth be told, I never loved your voice, the way you moved. I never got swept so deeply in you that we could talk for hours, instead silence was our go to. I loved you as you were, but you never loved yourself. You were all my dreams and more, but maybe there's a reason dreams never come true. You were the romance novel I could only dream, and we saw what happens after the story ends. You never understood me when I opened up, did you even try? You wanted me to stay here, but I wanted to fly away. You were a cage, and I needed to be free. Maybe one day, you could come around and join me. Until then, I said the right thing when you asked me on our relationship. If we had honest communication, and tried with each other, we might've lasted. But when I tell you what's been bothering me and you say, "I don't remember doing that", and do nothing after I show you proof, that's not trying anymore. I loved you, but you turned sour. I tried with you, but you dismissed me trying. I did what you wanted, but you never understood. You said you knew abuse, you said you knew pain, but you haven't seen the world I've grown in. You haven't known the depths of what that means. Hopefully you never know, but you'll never understand. You'll never understand the fear that makes me get up and move in the morning. You'll never understand how fear helps start my day. You'll never understand the power of never knowing. You'll never understand the feeling of something worrying. Not how I know. I know you've had it rough, I don't dismiss that fact, but I thought once you could understand. I'm both grateful and sorry you can't. Now we can move on, I have someone who understands my mind, and maybe you can find the guy who can live out your suburban life.

sincerely,
your last love