Letters to My Love

soulmates

To my love,
I've been thinking a lot. It's like my head is running a marathon and I'm just kinda there with it. I've never forgotten that moment you said we're soulmates, and, for some reason, I've yet to really doubt it. I mean, it just feels so natural, so perfect with you. It's just the question of, when wasn't I with you? I think of life and, you're like air, or water, just a given part of life now. Somehow you've transitioned into just, the other half of me. Not like it's you, then me, then us. It's just slowly become an us. Now that I think about this, it's all weird and iffy and sounds, wrong in a million ways. You're just, you're a part of my life I can't see without. Someone was talking to me the other day about how when he was 17, him and his girlfriend wanted to get married (to be fair it was mostly for the sex, so...) but that never worked out and he ended up with someone more perfect than he could imagine. See, I look at you and you're, everything I could've ever wanted, and so much more. Even the stupid things, like height or the fact you're so geeky it's amazing. You are someone I never knew could exist, and that's just you being you.

When I first "met" you, or more likely saw you in our freshman year, I thought you were cool, and I wanted to get to know you, but instead I'd watch from afar. I mean, it's probably good we didn't meet then because I was going through some stupid stuff, and not ready to let go of the past I so desperately didn't want to lose. You would've had to deal with me during the socially worst years, and also me constantly questioning everything I would say or do. But still, I'd see you around school, I'd want to talk, be friends, something. During Halloween the next year, I was into DBH, and saw your costume and wanted to compliment you, but I never did. Though, because of Leo, I did run into your Instagram and, okay, maybe I looked through a few of your pictures without following or liking. But in my defense- okay there's no defense for that... But, I remember clearly how much I wanted to try, but never did. At least until pride, and I'd forgotten about you for the most part by then. I forgot about the Hanukkah lessons in English, the glanced across the room, trying to catch your eye, maybe catch your attention for you to start the conversation. But at pride, I remember that day well. I went into it looking to be with someone, someone nearby to go on stupid dates with, to kiss, to hug and spend time with. I went in with the full intention of finding someone to date. I remember before I saw you there was this one person who I thought was pretty cool, a good candidate, but way out of my league. They were, attractive, and we hit it off sure, but it was pretty platonic. Then I saw you. The moment I saw you I remember thinking to myself how my first choice would be to date you, anyone else would be just, backup in case you didn't like me, because you also seemed way out of my league, you still are. I still remember the immediate switch like, yes, that boy right there, I want him, I want to date him. If you don't remember, that's when I kinda started doing stuff with you, we sat together, it was, amazing. I seriously thought you got that I was trying to flirt all day, trying to get your number, trying to get closer to you. I mean, any photos with me in them, I'm by you for about all of them during that day, which is comedic. Still, when I found out you had a boyfriend I just, fell to one of the others I'd been thinking maybe on, but I couldn't get you off my mind.

It was after, when we'd just talk for hours a day about nothing and everything. I loved it, I'd not done that much and, I still have all those messages because I couldn't dream of deleting them (which stands for why my phone complains I've used too much space) and, I was happy to be there for you. Who needs to date them when you could be friends, keep admiring from afar, and stuff down those feelings until you forget them? Well, then you found your boyfriend was cheating, and, it was sad but I was, excited I'm afraid to admit. I still liked you, a lot, and every time we'd talk or see eachother, I'd like you a little more. It was some new kind of crush, where I wanted to but out of respect, I didn't enact unless I could clearly see you wanted to. Now that I know you liked me before that too, it makes sense, and is funny. If only, if only. Then, we got together. Though I was afraid you'd be afraid I'd think I was your rebound, so, that moment was tricky, though it melted away quickly.

There was one time where I found the perfect way to describe the moment you know you're in love. It's like you've lived your life with a veil over your eyes. You can still see, but it's not the best it could be. Then, something happens and someone moves the veil, and for the first time you realize you were missing something. It's like the world turns brighter almost, colors are more vibrant, scents are more vivid, and it's like you're awake for the first time. It had only happened once to me before you, once. That one time was the only time it happened with them. Then with you, it's like every day the veil is gone. I still remember it was there, but it's not the same. I've fallen madly in love with you. You said we're soulmates, and I said I could be convinced. Every day convinces me more and more that we are. Life with you is like a cheesy movie or a stupid slice of life anime. Our whole story is some silly plot to a show. And it's just, right to be with you. I've never known feelings like these, and it just reminds me you're like nothing I've ever known. Anyone from my past I've been too distant to, or forced us way too close way too fast. But being fast, being cuddly, being weird with you, is good, you seem to like it, and when I don't do it, you want it. It's just, we are meant to be, and I hope that it's for forever. No matter where life brings us, I know we'll keep trying together, and that's what I love. You're more than just my boyfriend, and I don't know what to call it. I feel like I've known you forever, and that the next forever will be with you.

It's 11:11 and you said, "I love you."
sincerely~
m