A Thousand Times by E Janetulip

Beginning of The End

"때가 되면 다시 서로를 찾을지도 몰라."
"[Maybe when the time is right, we'll find each other again]."

⭐

In another lifetime, I'd do it all again a thousand times.

-Aurora (오로라)

April 03, 2020

I close the notebook placing it on top of my bedside table. I check the time on the clock to see it's almost two in the morning. My birthday is already over.

I wipe down the tears falling from my eyes and turn off the lights leaving my table lamp as my only source of light. I'm having trouble breathing from how much I am crying. I've cried for the past few hours and I still am. I'm so tired.

I grab my phone beside me when it lights up because of the notifications. With my blurry vision, I start checking the notifications. Scrolling down through them, I notice a message from someone at exactly 11:59 PM. Someone who becomes a big part of my life, Hyunjae.

"오로라씨 생일 축하해! [Aurora Happy Birthday!]" the message reads.

I turn it off and put down my phone on top of the black notebook. I curl myself into a ball tucking in myself letting myself cry in the dark. I close my eyes as memories from the past comes back. One by one they keep coming back.

Tonight is raining. I could cry hard and the good thing about it, no one is going to hear me crying. It feels as though the sky is crying with me. It's like the rain could feel my pain.

Why does it still hurt?

The pain is back. My heart hurts. I feel like no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try it keeps coming back. This is what I fear of, that's why I don't wanna go back to this room but I'm here. I thought I am already okay. I thought I am ready. Well, I'm wrong those are just my thoughts.

Will it ever end?

I know that happened years ago but I wake up almost 2 years later and I still haven't moved on. It still hurts. It hurts like hell. I feel like I'm back being in my situation when I was still 19. I feel like I'm back in time being my old self. This feels like a maze and I'm trapped with my 19-year-old self not knowing where is the way out. I wanna laugh at myself. My 21-year-old me and my 19-year-old self are completely different yet the same.

Is it really hard?

A lot has happened for the past two years. I met new people. Thinking about this makes me think of the people I left. My best friend, Seungmin unnie and Seonghwa, I miss them. I haven't heard from them and I haven't seen them for the past years because I don't have any contact and I don't know how to contact them. That's one of the reasons why I regret not telling them. That time, I was being so selfish for my own good, I didn't think about what they would feel. Maybe this is my karma and the consequence of my decision, not having any contact with them.

San, Seungmin unnie, and Seonghwa, I'm sorry I didn't tell you about leaving. I'm sorry for leaving you hanging. I'm sorry for being selfish. I'm really sorry, I really am. I hope they're all okay. I completely understand if they are all mad at me, I'd be mad too if I were them.

I hug the pillow closer to me as tears continue escaping my eyes, crying my heart out. I don't care if my eyes will be swollen tomorrow, that's the last thing I care about right now. Luckily, my birthday falls on Friday and I only have one class tomorrow, well today. I could just ditch that one class.

What I feel right now, I don't know how to describe them. There's this frustration within myself, pain, regret, worry, tiredness, heartache, disappointment... It seems like the world is against me. It's crazy how the world is so cruel. I wonder why is the world so cruel? Or is it me making my world cruel? I'm playing myself with fire and I'm completely unaware of how much it affects me and the people around me.

Our promise, that I'll always be there, I'm sorry I couldn't manage to keep it. I'm sorry I broke it when I left and I didn't even tell you. I wish I didn't break it but it happened, I already did and I'm sorry about that. I know words aren't enough to apologize but that's all I got.

Of course, I still love him. I'll always love him. Him, I smile at the thought of the guy I love as I feel another tear fall down. I wonder if he still remembers me. If sometimes he also wonders what am I doing. If sometimes... If sometimes.

The reason it hurts so much it's because my soul is with him, he has it since then. It always has been and will be. Maybe in another lifetime, no matter if it's a thousand times I hope we'll find each other. This is only the beginning of the end, we still don't know and we're still clueless how this story ends.

Seonghwa. He is still my star. A dead star that still twinkles in my memories.