Happily Ever After

Sixty Five~ Will You Love Me Then

Jenna

Mesa has been a very surprising treat for us. I like to think of Chicago as my safe place, but it turns out that's just wherever Kris was with me. And while he was usually at the spring training facility, just him being around makes me feel a lot more at home. I love him more than anything and it's going to be hard to leave him and where he is at.

But for now we're soaking up the sun in this here warmer climate. This is a lot closer to what I'm used to when it comes to the month of March. In Texas it doesn't ever really get cold. For the first few years in Chicago I wore sweats until June. This sun out here was no joke but I still very much enjoyed it.

After I do a few Skype calls Kris decides to take Mary and I hiking. I know Mary won't last very long, we learned that from her t-ball days of playing in the sand and complaining that it's too hot. But she insisted she wanted to try and I wanted my first post to Instagram be something cool.

So we take off to the trails that the players visit often. It was good team bonding and a must see while we were here. I find a good use for my cowgirl hat as we hit the ground. We walk up for a while before finding some place to stop to get some more energy.

We let a few families pass us as I fight Mary to drink her water. She will surely pass out if she doesn't hydrate out here so after a few bribes she drinks almost all of her first water bottle. We just sit there for a while before we get back to the trails.

I hear Mary let out a long sigh and I turn to her as she occupied the smaller rock next to me. She watches one of the families continue on as we cool off in what little shade we could find on these trails.

"What's up buttercup" I wonder as I nudge her side. Her eyes stay on the family as they start to water.

"Why can't I have a real mom and dad" she questions. I feel my heart break as I stare at her.

I know she loves me and I know I do a lot for her and her happiness. But I will never be her mother, and Kris will never be her dad. Truth is, with Fran gone we will never know the father. And that sucks because all she wants is to see her parents. She looks at these other kids who look like their parents and she looks at us and she knows. She knows that we love her like she is our own, but bottom like is she's not.

"I look at you and I know you're my niece. That's how I introduce you and that's how you know me. I will never be your mother, I tried like hell to be but I'm not. I get that. But you shouldn't be sad because you don't have a mother. I had a mother and I hated her. I hated her so much and I had to live with the fact that she was my mother. She did awful things to me and uncle Cameron and your mom, it was hard. But your mom loved you so much, I wish her love could have kept her here, but sadly it's not that simple" I try to explain.

"I miss my mom, I wish she was here. But I'm happy I get to live with you. You're really fun and really pretty. If I had to be stuck with anyone, I'm happy it's you" she claims.

I try not to cry as I rest her head on my shoulder. I hold her close as I close my eyes. "I promise you Pumpkin, I will love you forever. Not as your mother but as your cool aunt who has horses" I tease.

"What if I make you mad? Will you love me then" she questions.

"Of course Mary. If my life came to a end I would die with a smile on my face knowing that I got to see you grow up. That some of your best memories I was a part of and that when you get older you can look back and smile. Not cry" I say.

"You make me smile" she promises and I smile down at her.

"You make me smile too" I promise. "So are you good now" I wonder. I don't need my five year old having a crisis already.

"Yeah. I know my parents won't be around. But I have you and Kris and all the other big boys" she admits and I smile. She knew these boys will protect her with everything they have.

"That's right" I nod.

So we get up and we start our trek again. Kris appears at my side and grabs my hand. Even though it was hot as hell and our hands were sweaty it made me happy that even now he wants to hold my hand.

"Look at this" he says as he brings out his phone. He shows me his lock screen and it was from a few moments ago. Mary has her head on my shoulder as we looked out over the trials. The sun beaming on this beautiful day as we fight off the heat. It was of just our backs but it was still such a cute picture. And the fact that Kris made it his lock screen immediately was even more adorable.

"Awww I love that! Send it to me" I beg.

"I might have a bunch more. But I wanted this one as my wall paper because it was too perfect" he explains.

"I'm glad you got that on camera. I hope she remembers what we talked about up here for the rest of her life" I insist.

"And what was that" he wonders.

"I tried to explain that family isnt about having a mom and dad. Because you can have a mom and a dad and that doesn't make you a family. It's the love and the trust and the fun that makes us a family.

I don't know if she truly understands why this is how things work, I don't know if she will ever truly understand it. But I at least know that she misses her mom but she's thankful for what was to come of it because she's not here" I explain.

"Any little girl will be lucky to have you" he claims and I sigh.

"All I wanted was to be what she needed. And I hope I can keep it that way" I admit.

"I think you're busy what she needs" he assures me.