The Spencer Letters

Letter 16.

Dear Spencer,

It's been four days since the last letter, and they have been the four hardest days of my life. Pretending to be the same after you've been completely changed is not as simple as I thought it would be. Especially when I have been seeing your brother every day, as normal.

I need some distance, some time away from him and from it all, but asking him for that would involve having to explain myself and I don't want to go down that road again or the real feelings will come out and then I would have ruined everything forever.

The problem is, I haven't stopped thinking about last Friday night, not for a day, not even for a second. And it's even worse when he's around. When he comes to the bar, when I run into him at the hospital, or my parents' house or your mom's, I just- I can't control my thoughts.

My mind betrays me every time I see him. All I can think of is the texture of his lips, the softness of his touch, the strength of his hips and the taste of his kiss. Oh, that taste! My mouth waters just thinking about it!

And all those cravings always bring me to this question: was that what I've been depriving myself of all my life?

I've spent my entire adult life faking. I've faked happiness, faked orgasms, faked entire relationships! But I didn't have to fake anything that night. As I lie here in bed now, reliving every moment of it in my head, my body stars aching. The need for him is so strong, it's humiliating!

I need his hands on my skin again. I need his lips all over me again. I need him so I can feel whole again.

And I won't get any of that ever again.

I can't remember when was the last time I had a real orgasm. But even the last real one I had or the real ones before that, none can compare. I've never felt so... satisfied. Maybe because I had never had sex with someone I loved, loved. Like, truly loved. Until I did it with Harry.

When I hurt, I run. You and I have established that over many late night conversations trying to figure out what's wrong with me that I can never be completely happy. This time is no different. But, since running for good is not an option anymore, I'm going to run temporarily, just to clear my head for a little while.

I'm going back to Paris for a week.

I need to deal in person with Jules. I still feel bad over how things ended between us. And I still have a ton of my stuff there, so I'm going to bring back with me as much as I can and have the rest shipped home. It'll distract me for a few days.

DON'T ROLL YOUR EYES AT ME! I really need this!

When I told my parents about my plans, they reminded me that my birthday is coming up... with everything going on the past couple of months, I've lost track of dates, and every day is just a repetition of the day before. But the cycle doesn't break until you wake up.

I had to book a flight for two days from today so that I could be back in time for my birthday... not that I care about it in the least, but my parents haven't been able to celebrate it with me for three years, so I owe them this one. They suggested I postponed the trip for after my birthday, but I won't be alive by then, or at least sane, if I don't leave soon.

I planned this three days ago, the very next day after my talk with Harry. But I only told him yesterday, and that's because I wanted to tell your mom so she'd know I'll be absent from the hospital for a week. Your mom, sweet as she is, told me it was good that I got to get away for a few days. Harry on the other hand, well, he's Harry...

"What if something happens to Spencer while you're not here?" he said.

Can you fucking believe that?