The Spencer Letters

Letter 49.

Dear Spencer,

Today's a new day but it doesn't feel like it. It still feels like it's an extension of yesterday, maybe because I barely got any sleep!

I tried, but I couldn't. It wasn't until your nephew said "hey Ma, I'm exhausted! Can't you give in already? Even for an hour or so?" that I succeeded with falling asleep. Before that, there was just thinking. Thinking and replaying and imagining and wishing. And a lot of talking myself out of getting off bed and making a call I shouldn't make, and a lot of restraining myself from, instead, getting in the car and driving to where I shouldn't go.

I'm amazed, and incredibly proud of my self-control and determination. At any other point in my life I would've acted on impulse and I'd be hating myself right now... Not that I don't, anyways. But at least I made a choice I can live with.

Thanksgiving dinner was good. Despite all my worries about having Stephanie, Harry and I in the same room, everything went smoothly. Like I said, everyone was in their best behavior for Anne's sake. That dinner was for her, and no one wanted to be the villain who'd ruin it.

After we ate and stayed at the table talking for a long time, we moved the "party" to the living room where we sat down to look at old photos my mother dug up from her chest of memories. Having talked so much about stories of the past almost thirteen years, Kathy thought it was the perfect occasion to relive some of those moments through immortalized images she so carefully keeps in a fancy gift box.

There were photos of our school years, of our camping trips in the summer with friends, of our family vacations at the beach house. There were many of all the past Thanksgiving dinners and some Christmases we spent together. All the Fourth of July barbecues and all the Summer's End and Charter Day celebrations here in town. And damn! We've had a good life, brother! Even with everything you guys went through before coming here, and the crisis my family had a few years ago, we've had it pretty good! Especially our teenage years. We've been SO happy!

We laughed so much looking at those photos and remembering things we did and said, places we visited and people we loved (some that we still do, others that are no longer part of our lives, and a few that now watch us from heaven). We told so many stories, and cried a little, too. Well, a lot, to be completely honest!

Remember that first summer in Virginia Beach when Uncle Shane tried to teach us how to fish one night at the pier? We were the worst students ever! Harry almost broke the fishing pole in half, I almost killed my uncle with a hook I sent flying and you ended up making a mess of the line that was impossible to untangle!

Or that Halloween party we went dressed as Rock, Paper and Scissors? We were so fucking uncomfortable all night in those costumes! But it was worth it! People were super confused when they saw us separately, but cracked up when they saw us together and figured it out. If I'm not mistaken, Harry and I were 19 and you were 17... the older we got, the dumber our costumes got, too!

And what about my 21st birthday? You weren't legal yet to drink, but we got sooooo wasted that night!! We went to the club and they put an X on your hand with a black Sharpie so they wouldn't sell you alcohol, but then we would take turns at the bar to order extra ones so we could give some to you! I remember us crawling out of the back of the taxi and into my house, because you two couldn't go back home and risk Anne finding you like that! The hangover the next day was the worst of my life, not even Harry's ginger tea helped with the headache!

I have some pictures printed of that night that Brenda took at the club, that's how the memory saw the light of day again! But your mom, of course, heard the whole story from my mom the very next day after it happened, but she pretended like she didn't know so you'd think you had fooled her. I mean, what was she going to do? Punish you for getting drunk at 19 years old? Punish us for buying you the drinks? I was about to move to Paris and you were transferring schools, almost on your way to San Diego. She was just glad we were having fun and spending the time we had left together.