The Spencer Letters

Harry's sixth.

Hi Spencer,

I thought I wouldn't feel the need to write to you again at least until the birth of my son, but I was wrong! Figured I wouldn't have anything to report before then, but so much has happened in such a short period of time!

In a matter of days, I almost lose you, my son, and possibly the love of my life, and I haven't even had time to celebrate that I didn't lose any of you at the end because after the (almost) losing, came the finding. Mom found dad, dad found his way here, and I found out we have a brother and a sister.

How the hell is this real life, Spence?

Before I get into all the stuff about Edward, I want to apologize to you. I'm sorry I couldn't be by your side this whole time, brother. You know I would've been there looking after you with Mom every minute of every day since your surgery, but LJ and Ryan needed me, too. And there was nothing I could do to make you better, but there was something I could do to help them, so I had to choose to be where I was most useful. I hope you can understand.

Knowing I did the right thing doesn't make me feel any less awful for being away from you so much this past week, but you love the shit out of Laurel and I'm absolutely sure you would've done the same thing.

That was one hell of a night, bro! First you, being rushed to the operating room, us not knowing exactly what was wrong, Nic telling us you might not make it. I thought I'd never see you again! And then, out the blue, LJ bleeding out of her nose and collapsing in my arms, her pleas that nothing bad would happen to the baby, the doctors telling me that if they couldn't bring down her blood pressure both of them were at serious risk... It was definitely the worst day of my life to-date.

The idea of losing one of you, let alone all three of you, was unbearable. I don't know what I would've done, it scares me to think about it. So, I won't anymore. I won't because I am very fortunate that you came out of the operation room alive (regardless of the condition), and nothing major happened to LJ and my son. That night could've ended a lot, A LOT worse, so I'll count my blessings instead.

Laurel was ordered restricted activity, so I took a few days off work to be home and take care of her. She'd argue she doesn't need to be taken care of, but I know she's enjoying having me here all day and spoiling her in any way I can. Our relationship has been so atypical, and moved so fast, we haven't really had the time to be a normal couple. And although these are anything but normal circumstances, it's nice to be just the two of us at home doing mundane things all day.

...That was super short-lived though, because just two days after returning home from the hospital was when we went to visit you and found dad in your room. To say that I was shocked when I saw him is an understatement! Thirteen years without seeing him and all of the sudden he was right there, standing in front of me. I was hit by a maverick wave of memories, none of them good, and all I wanted to do was to make him pay. All I could see was red. But LJ was one step ahead of me with her hand holding mine tightly, and when my vision went blurry and I went to a dark place, she pulled me back. After everything she's been through, I was not going to upset her if I could help it.

I ran away from the hospital and our father, but not out of cowardice, it was so I could do things right. If I spoke to him then and there, it would've been a catastrophe! Without having some time to process his presence here and think about what I wanted to say to him, I would've acted on instinct and my instincts at the time were calling for violence.

Even if I had a whole month to prepare, I was never going to be ready for a conversation with the man who ruined our lives. So when he showed up at my house unannounced, I was glad that we were doing it in my turf. My house, my rules. And I was also glad that it was happening at this moment in time when my life has the most structure it's ever had despite it being upside down momentarily. Now I have a fiancée and a son I want to make proud, so losing my head was not an option. They ground me, they make me keep myself in check.