The Spencer Letters

Harry's fifth.

***WARNING***
This chapter contains sensitive content that may be triggering or upsetting to some people. It includes subjects such as alcoholism and domestic abuse. Please, refrain from reading if you're uncomfortable with these topics.

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Hi Spencer,

Did you hear the news? ... Of course you heard them! If I know Laurel at all, I can guarantee you were the first person to find out. We're engaged, Duckie!! Your best friend and your brother are getting married, and although that would be some people's worst nightmare, I know for a fact there's nothing that would make you happier than us being together forever.

I still can't believe how fast everything happened! I mean, we took almost thirteen years to get to where we are now, BUT, once the cat we hid in a bag for that long was out, everything unraveled so quickly! In a matter of ten months, we went from best friends who had been apart for over three years, had never confessed their feelings for each other and were each in a relationship with someone else, to sleeping together, getting pregnant, breaking up with our partners, living together and now getting engaged.

Life is fucking insane! But what's more insane than all of that, is the fact that I'm going through it all without you by my side. You're still there, but completely unaware of the lives changing around you. And although I still feel you everywhere I go, in everything that I do, it's not the same. You can't cry with me, be happy with me, talk to me, hear me, pat my back when I'm doing well, kick my ass when I'm being an idiot... you get the idea.

When will this end? When will I have my brother back? I just can't imagine welcoming my son into the world without you here, Spence!

Okay, okay, I'll stop! I promised myself I wouldn't cry in front of you. Not because it'd make me look weak, fuck that! I just don't want you to wake up right at that time and make fun of me for it! I always imagine you opening your eyes and going "who beat your ass at FIFA and left you weeping like a baby?" or something like that. I have to be careful as to not give you the satisfaction, you'd have to earn the right to make fun of me after all you've put us through!

So... Back to the scheduled program.

I'm here again! I know I'm not much of a pen pal, my apologies. I mean, compared to LJ everyone looks bad, right? There must be fifteen of her letters for each of mine! But it's not that I don't need you as much as she does, or that I don't miss you as often. It's just that letters are not my love language like it was for you. IS, is for you. When I feel overwhelmed, I write songs, I sing songs, or I listen to songs. My demons get exorcized with music.

When I feel the urge to run and talk to you, I don't normally look for a pen and paper, I just get in the car, drive to the hospital, and visit you. You may not listen or talk back, but I hold your hand while I tell you about my day or about whatever's been bothering me and I feel your warmth and that comforts me more than unloading my shit on a notebook.

But Laurel is right, we have to make sure you have a way of knowing absolutely everything that happened while you were wherever it is that you are right now. If we don't write it down, we may forget things, we might omit important details, we could leave stories untold that you would've been a part of if you were completely here, with us.

So that's why I'm here today, at the hospital, sitting beside your bed and writing you this letter, while LJ is outside the room, talking to Nic in the hallway. You gave us another new friend, you heard? Nic was a friend of Stephanie's and I knew her, but we never really hung out or learned much about each other before. It wasn't until your accident and the fact that she's been one of the nurses in rotation taking care of you that we really got to talking. And then she got close to Laurel and now we're all friends. Even with Cruz Rivera. Yup, craaazy!