The Only String Attached

16

My pain is really nothing in front of them.

They gave me a reason to live.

Mahir will be in me forever and ever.
I can lead my life in his memories. That's enough.

An year passed like this but still the depression has not gone.

The panic attacks used to come rarely but I tried to cope up.

I was living like a jolly girl in front of everyone.

"Depression is not always crying endlessly in a dark rooms. Depression can be getting up, going to work, doing all the things you have to do, all the while feeling empty inside"

There is always a chance to come out of depression,just you have to try to get out of it.

I was trying to move on,but I understood that I can't move on.

I started reminding my moments with Mahir and started enjoying them.

I started enjoying each and every memory of him instead of mourning at the memories.

I started to read myself and sharing with Mahir's picture everyday.

You must be thinking that I am insane. But that really helped me to come out of my depression.

I heard from dad that Sumi aunty passed away. I was urging to go to India,but I need to stay away.

I can't go in front of him, I may get ruined again if I see him.

I composed myself a lot in this one year. I can't let it go in vein.

Dad told me that di was pregnant and my happiness had no bounds.

I really wanted to see miniature of my di and Mahir.

With a lot of persuading I talked to di,but only for five minutes.

I know I hurted her the most,but I'm in a fix.

I started working and established a company,I was training many people in that stream.

I was really happy with my life at that point. I was the reason those kids laugh daily,enjoyed themselves .

Everything was going well and suddenly dad called me and informed about Bani di.

My world was shattered again when I heard that news. Another panic attack,anxiety everything was back again.

I composed myself and decided to meet her.

I will be a real bitch if I will not meet her at least now. She must have cried a lot for me.

"And today I'm here as a surviver in front of you Mahir", I said.

I wiped my tears stricken face and looked at him.

He was sitting like a statue, now I was scared.

"Mahir"? I called him.

Tears were pooling in his eyes, they started flowing from his eyes.

I went close to him to wipe those tears but he took me in a tight hug and started sobbing.

"Mahir I'm over it now,please...please don't cry", I said caressing his back.

"How can you think to end yourself Bela"? he asked.

"I know I...I.was stupid,but...but",I dint knew what to say.

"I don't talk to you anymore, that doesn't mean I don't miss you,or I don't love you,because you make me feel like I was bothering you", he said.

I couldn't answer to this.

He messaged me plenty of times but not once I replied. He stopped messaging me and I never got any texts from him again.

I thought he was happy without me.

" Why did you think that you don't matter to me"? he asked.

"You can love two people at the same time,but not at the same level",I replied.

"We just parted our ways for our good sake Mahir",I said.

He took me again in a bone crushing hug. He again pulled me onto his lap and clutched me tightly.

"Suicide is never a solution Bela", he said looking at me.

"You should have a lot of guts to kill yourself", he said.

"Killing...killing yourself doesn't need guts, we just...just need...need guts to live in..in this world",I said.

He clutched me more tightly and started sobbing in the crook of my neck.

I was feeling like a touch me not plant when he is touching me.

"Mahirrr...",I said with a heavy breath when she kissed my neck.

He looked at me and tucked my baby hair behind my ear, his eyes were still puffy.

"Mahir please don't cry over me, I don't want you to cry for me",I said sobbing.

"I'm not able to digest that you tried to kill yourself Bela", he said.

"I dint even tell my dad about my attempt, only Suhani and now you know about it",I said.

"You should always express your love", he said.

"But I'm not a home wrecker Mahir. I cannot break my di's home",I said.

"I never knew I had someone who loves me more than  Bani. I'm feeling like even her love is so short lived in front of your love", he said.

"I know about my di Mahir. She has never loved anyone as much as she loved you",I said.

"She was an introvert, she never looked at a boy, but she loved you. That means she trusted you and made her future for you",I said.

"She will not even think twice to sacrifice her love for me if she gets to know about my love for you.",I said holding his face in my hands still lying on his lap.

"She took care of me like a mother. A mother will never think twice when it comes to her child",I said.

"I am really stuck",Mahir said caressing my face.

"You were never wrong Mahir",I said and snuggled into his chest.

He scooped me closer and inhaled my scent. I was feeling jittery again.

He slowly bought my face out of his chest and looked at my lips. I was not even blinking,I don't want to miss that look on his face.

He slowly angled my face and brushed his lips against mine. I clutched his coller tightly and closed my eyes at his touch.

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Hey guys! I'm really devastated after hearing about Sushant. Depression may lead to suicide. Please feel free to talk to your loved one's, and help them out.

I repeat again "suicide is not the solution".

Just listen to the above song, listen to every line carefully. Everyone must have gone through some sort of depression,but we have to fight back.

Lost a gem today. I sat to write this chapter in the afternoon and I heard about his suicide. I couldn't write anything.I need to write about this substance today and I heard about him.

2020 can't get more worst😔😔.

Feel free to share your feelings with your loved ones or anyone even if you know them barely. But don't mould up yourself.

It's my mom's birthday today,I dedicate this chapter to the strongest women I saw in my life,my mom.

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