(Even When It's Not) About You

Running From My Shadow

Rob was awake first. He could tell from the sound of Mike's breathing, the steady in and out of air between his parted lips. The sun was dim through the windows - Rob knew the master suite faced away from the sun in the mornings - and he held still, listening. He'd slept hard the night before, and that was all because of Mike. It was still unbelievable, hours after Rob experienced Mike's mouth around him and they shared orgasms for the first time. He really thought it had been a dream, but the soft sheets on his bare legs told him otherwise. He was sleeping in the bed next to Mike, and his pajama pants were somewhere else. It had happened, and he wasn't sure how to feel. No matter what happened with the band, they couldn't go back to the way they were before.

There was a part of him that wanted to slide over close to Mike, wrap his arm around him and kiss his neck, wake him up slowly. But he couldn't do it. All he could think about was the band meeting later, wondering what Mike would say, and how he would present their relationship. Eight hours ago it wouldn't have bothered Rob if Mike only told the guys that they were thinking about pursuing a relationship with each other. What happened between them last night changed things, at least in Rob's mind. Now it felt important to hear Mike say that he was in love. Or falling in love. Or anything other than merely thinking about us maybe being together. In Rob's mind, they were already together.

And that's why I wanted to wait. I can't believe we did that last night. Cautiously Rob opened his eyes, but instead of looking at Mike, he stared at the ceiling above him. It looked like every other ceiling he'd seen in his lifetime, white and nondescript. He spent a few minutes looking at patterns in the texturing before he carefully slid out of bed and scooped up his pajama pants, putting them on before he stuffed his feet into his slippers.

It was only then, fully clothed, that Rob looked back at Mike. Mike was still curled up in almost the same position he'd fallen asleep in the night before. Rob could barely see the rise and fall of the blanket over Mike's body as he breathed, but he could see the shock of dark hair against the pale pink sheets. It took him immediately back to the vision of Mike between his legs, the top of his head and his black hair soft under Rob's fingers.

It was impossible to look at Mike and not feel desire, even after all these years. Though Rob had learned to control that desire from years of being on the sidelines, it was getting harder with every moment they spent together. There were so many things he wanted to have with Mike, so many things that were going to be possible now that Mike was mentally healthier, and almost legally divorced.

Almost... but not quite. He told Anna. But there's still the guys. And the kids. The guys are going to think it's too soon, but they're going to be afraid to say anything that will upset Mike. So how will I know what they really think? And we haven't talked about telling the kids. He seems to think it won't be a big deal, and Anna won't have a problem with them staying over. But what if she does?

Rob's thoughts were starting to spiral. Despite Mike's actions showing he was ready for their relationship to blossom, Rob could feel the uncertainty creeping in - even with how the previous night had gone between the two of them.

Or what if it all goes well with the guys today? What happens next? I practically live here. Will he want to move in together? Am I ready to give up my house? I know Mike will want to stay here. The studio. The kid's rooms. Those two things alone are more important than anything my house has to offer. We should have talked about these things. All of these things. I shouldn't have touched him last night! Why did I let him get under my skin like that?

He knew exactly why he'd had no misgivings about their intimacy while it was happening, and he cursed himself for his lack of restraint. Mike was so gorgeous, so willing, and Rob had let the combination get the best of him. Now in the light of morning, he needed some space to think. He'd already told Mike he wanted more than sex, and how could he go back now? Turning down any advance from Mike would hurt him, and Rob knew he'd be powerless to do anything that would wound Mike. The only solution was to get away from temptation, to get a bit of a breather, and going to his house was as good an excuse as he could think of at the moment.