(Even When It's Not) About You

Hold It Together

Rob pulled back the curtain of his assigned bunk and peered inside. When he stepped on the bus a few minutes ago, he was relieved it was cool and quiet. Mike was still outside with Ed, a nervous and excited vibe around him that Rob needed to step away from, just for a moment. Canada was behind them, and the flight to New York was in the past. Now they were ready to board the tour bus, and Rob had been dreading stepping back into that life for the first time ever since he'd agreed to go on the road with Mike.

For some reason, in the weeks after Chester's passing, Rob had put away the idea of ever being inside a tour bus again. It drifted into the past with a whole list of other things that Chester had taken, along with his life, over a year ago. At several points in the grieving process it had felt impossible that he would ever be ready to perform again, and as he'd let that reality go, with it had gone thoughts of bus life. The cramped spaces, the hours on the road, the unhealthy snacks and the constant noise of existing in such close quarters with other people. He preferred his solitude, and even at Mike's house, the two of them existed in relative quiet. For a moment he wondered if he'd be able to do this after all.

But as he stood there staring at the compartment - the glossy wood paneling, the tucked sheets, the fluffy blanket and pillows, the personal television and multiple outlets - the prospect of spending five weeks bending his frame into the individual space wasn't as unappealing as he'd thought it might be. It felt normal, and that sense of normalcy brought with it a wave of grief like he hadn't experienced in months. Rob felt it shake his soul and he dropped his head, his eyes closing at thoughts of tours long since past... of playing cards with Brad for hours, of the early days drinking beer with Joe, of laughing at the guys as they ran out of per diems and wanted a loan. Rob had always had extra money that his mom insisted he take, since he was still growing, in her words. The past few years had been different. Comfortable. There was no shortage of luxuries or money. They'd all been confident in their world and no longer fighting to be known. All of them felt like they were at the top of their careers.

We'd still be touring One More Light right now, if he were here. We should all be here. Me, Brad, and Joe on one bus. Dave and Mike and Chester on the other. Damn it, Chester. He turned and looked behind him at the little white card with "MS" scrawled on it, designating the top bunk across from his for Mike. That's not the same for him, either. Ed's underneath him now. Not Chester. They always set it up that way. Now we all know it was so nobody would hear them. They were so good at hiding their affair.

A flood of memories clicked into place then. Dave telling him how Mike and Chester never seemed to sleep on the bus. Always in the back writing. Maybe they were writing. I'm sure they were doing other things, too. God, how naive we all were. For years, it happened under everyone's nose. Even I didn't know how long it had been going on... even though I knew about them the past few years.

Rob turned back to his space, tucking his backpack into the cubby under his name. It was the same backpack he'd taken to Portugal, and the thought brought a tentative smile back to his face. That backpack held the essentials, in stripped down Rob Bourdon style. A comb, toothbrush and toothpaste, deodorant. He would borrow Mike's clippers if he needed a trim, but five weeks was nothing. He wasn't worried about his graying facial hair, or what it would look like out on the road. Things like the appearance of his hair or what t-shirt he had on were never things Rob spent time worrying about, and he didn't intend to start now.

There was nobody underneath him, which was nice in itself. He always worried about keeping others awake when he turned to get comfortable, or stretched his long legs. Their manager Jim had always bunked underneath Rob, but now Jim was on the other bus with the new guys.

The new guys. Rob's eyes narrowed in thought. They were nice enough, Matt and Dan, but Rob couldn't help the unease he felt in their presence. Mike already seemed to be comfortable with them, all smiles as they rehearsed in the last days before they left L.A. It made Rob's heart pinch to hear Dan playing his parts on Linkin Park songs.