I'm Not Okay But it's Alright - Fransykes

25. wjrjqj

One year and two weeks.

It had been one year and two weeks since I last self harmed. Although 99% of that time I was in a coma or being watched while in the hospital. That left me being actually clean on my own will for four days. Nonetheless, it was the most I'd ever gone. I could walk around my house in short sleeves, a luxury at that point. The euphoria you feel wearing short sleeves without a jacket for the first time in years is undescribable.

Although, my recovery was more grounded on Josh. I was doing it for Josh and maybe that played a role in my downfall. I've heard it before, that you have to get better for yourself, you can't rely on others when it comes to your own happiness. And yeah, it's true, but I can't seem to find myself actually wanting this. Sure, I loved wearing short sleeves, I was partially glad to be alive still, but if Josh wasn't around I wouldn't be trying. I'd give in within hours and go back to my familiar addicting habits.

So on my fifth day out of the hospital I lay on my bed alone. My parents were at work and Tom had school. They were uptight about leaving me alone, but I assured them I'd be okay.

I wouldn't.

It got to me, the thoughts and realizations. Everything just.. came.

I was dull, empty. I could barely get out of bed. I was tired, and I tried to take a nap but I couldn't fall asleep. So, finding myself in a rut, my mind immediately went to what I found to be the best solution.

My parents had taken all sharp objects I could use to hurt myself, thrown them out, except the kitchen knives. Those were in one of the higher shelves as they thought I didn't know of their whereabouts.

How naive.

I found the knives hidden away in the top shelf and looked through my options. I settled on the yellow one, the one with fish-hook-like things on the end, that I knew would cause more damage. The rest simply did surface level cuts and I wanted more than mere surface level. I wanted to bleed. I wanted that rush, that sting, that temporary euphoria.

But that's all it was, all it supplied. Temporary euphoria. And a moment later I realized what I'd done; saw the three bleeding cuts on my arm. And I started to cry.

I failed Josh, I failed Tom and my parents, myself. I had been asleep for a year, slept through my junior year and the beginning of senior. I missed so much, I wouldn't graduate. I'd fail school, live in my parents basement, Josh would break up with me.

Josh. He was in school, he was busy and shouldn't waste his time on me but I needed him. I needed to apologize, I needed his help, I needed help.

"Oliver?" Josh's soft, slightly panicked, voice spoke through the phone.

"F-Fuck I'm sorry Josh- I-I made a mistake," I wheezed.

"Where are you? Are you at your home? Are you safe?" He said quickly,

"Yes, yes I'm at home. I-I think I'm safe I just- I think I just need you right now," I admitted quietly.

"I'm on my way. Think you can be safe while I go?"

"Yeah," I murmured.

"Okay, I'll see you in a sec."

He hung up and I was left sitting on the counter, my arms in front of me and the knife by my leg. I didn't want to move, I was shaking and trying not to cry but to no avail. Josh was there in minutes, inviting himself in as he knew where the house key was. But it broke my heart to see his face when he saw me sitting there, and the cuts on my arm.

"Oli," He whispered, rushing to me. He helped me down, put the knife away and cleaned my cuts. It stung and what I hated most was that I liked that sting and I wanted more. Would I ever get better? Could I ever get better?

"Come on," Josh murmured, pulling me onto my bed and under the covers where he pulled me into his arms.

"You have school," I pointed out quietly while happily snuggling against him.

"You're far more important than education," Josh argued.

"No I'm not."

"Hey." Josh grabbed my face, making me look at him as he stared down sternly. "Don't put yourself down, don't second guess yourself, okay? I love you."

"I love you too." I snuggled deeper and fell asleep.

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had to rudh edning becaude YEHA GIEMG WCOMING