I'm Not Okay But it's Alright - Fransykes

13. Jealousy

It shouldn't have bothered me. But for fucks sake, it did.

Thursday morning Josh came to me and introduced me to Teresa, his girlfriend.

It was cute, I think. I don't know what's cute when it comes to couples. I forgot what it was like to be in a relationship, I made myself forget. Except being in love, you can't forget that. Before I fell for Kellin, I didn't believe in love. It might be real, or I'm just stupid, but either way 'love' is a backstabbing, lying cheat.

They held hands constantly, and when Teresa pecked Josh's cheek on her way to class, something ignited in me. I just, hated her. She was a sweet girl, really. Shy, but caring, and if I didn't have a stick up my ass I'd probably let myself call her a close acquaintance. But instead, the moment I saw her kiss Josh, hold his hand, make him laugh, I hated her.

Jealousy? Was I jealous of Josh's girlfriend? Hell, what even was jealousy? Feelings, emotions, were all really a blur. I was just there, just breathing and dragging myself from place to place. Sadness and anger were all I felt. Until I met Josh. He made me smile, not a pitiful "Yes Mrs. Smith, I'm doing okay" smile, one I'd seen on others. One I made when I was with Kellin. I don't remember the last time I actually smiled before I met Josh.

I was jealous. But why? Because he made me smile? And despite my tries to get him away, he meant something to me? Because I liked him.

Did I like Josh?

The thought was disgusting, repulsive. Me and Josh? Me and anyone, really, in a relationship, made me retch. I was still holding on to Kellin, the memories of when I thought I'd actually grow up.

My heart was just craving the feeling I felt before, when I was with Kellin, and desperately trying to find someone. Well, hate to break it to you organ, but Josh and I are going nowhere. Once again, you're lonely and heartbroken.

"Okay man," Josh erupted me from my thoughts, pausing the movie. "We need to find you a girl, so me, you, said girl, and Teresa can go on a double date."

I snorted. "A couple of things are wrong with that sentence," I pointed out.

"Shit, you're gay? O-Okay, a guy then. I might know a few-"

"It's more than that, Josh," I cut him off. "I'm just.. not ready for a relationship."

"Why not? It's great!"

I shrugged. "Past experience, I guess." Past experience, I was holding on to Kellin, I may or may not be crushing on my only friend, and nobody could ever want me.

"Oh, got your heartbroken? Sucks, man. But hey, the best way to get over an ex is get drunk and get laid."

I chuckled and rolled my eyes. Straight people confuse me. "Yeah, sure."

"Alright alright, this movies lame as shit." Josh turned off the TV and turned to me. "Truth or dare?" He asked me with a smile.

"Oh my god, seriously?"

"Come on, please?" He stuck out his bottom lip and stared at me with big, pleading eyes. It was adorable, I had to admit.

"Fine," I sighed. "Truth."

"Wow, lame." I slapped Josh's shoulder. "Okay, um, who was your first relationship, and how long did it last?"

My throat tightened. "U-Um.." I stared at the floor. "Sarah Dean, one hour. I saw her on the first day of kindergarten and, wow, then she kissed me and my gay ass realized pussy is honestly disugsting."

Josh broke out in a fight of laughter, hitting my chest. "Okay, okay, seriously. Your first relationship."

"His name was... he um.. We lasted four years, we were eleven when we started going out - I know, young - but he broke up with me for some other guy when we were fifteen," I mumbled.

"Oh," Josh nodded. "I- Uh- Sorry, I shouldn't have asked."

"No," I shook my head. "Don't apologize. You were just curious." I sighed, my mind now on Kellin while we sat in silence. "So uh, truth or dare?"

"Um, truth," Josh said.

"You called me lame?"

"Just shut up and ask me something!" He whined.

"Okay, fine. Do you like guys too?" I spat out. "Wait- Fuck sorry that just came out, forget it-"

Josh was wheezing. "It's fine- it's fine. Um, no? I've never thought about it - liking the same gender was never really a concept growing up, with my family and all."

I nodded. "Huh."

"Alright alright. Truth or dare."

"Dare, I guess."

"I dare you.." he tapped his chin while he thought. "To go on a blind date."

"What?" I wheezed.

"You heard me, and you picked dare," Josh smiled.

"Don't we have like- chickens or something to back out?"

"Not in this game! I'll set it up for Friday night, blind date. How does that sound?" Josh pulled out his phone.

"No Josh I-"

"Too late! Now come on, we're making cookies." He stood and waddled, quite literally, to the kitchen and slammed baking supplies on the counter.

Why did I let him talk to me again?

~_~_~_~

Oh my God I finally finished the chapter

My dad m e an t to take my phone but he took my old, cracked one that doesn't have a SIM card or data so it's only use is music and wattpad when my new phone is gone. So I just gotta play it off for a week while I pretend to do my homework

He woke me up at 7 fucling am like let me sleep no one cares Dad

Oki doki
AW MY RIBS

>~<
♡