I'm Not Okay But it's Alright - Fransykes

10. Heartless

The last time I woke up in someone's arms I was fifteen. The last time I woke up in someone's arms I was with Kellin, and that person was Kellin.

But now, with a raging hangover, I woke up in someone's arms. I didn't know who, but I found it.. comforting. Whoever it was made me want to stay there. That was until I turned and saw that person was Josh.

He was asleep, at least pretending to be. His mouth parted just a bit, while he breathed slowly. So peaceful. Until his eyes fluttered open and met mine.

"Good morning," he mumbled with a yawn. "Oh, fuck. I'm so sorry." He pulled away from me and sat up. The lack of his warmth made me frown.

"I shouldn't have um.. y'know. I- Just forget this happened," he stuttered with a blush.

"Yeah.. yeah, okay." I looked down at the floor, letting silence fill us until I spoke. "What happened yesterday? How did I end up here?"

"I, um, found you in the woods. Took you home and uh, yeah. I have some spare clothes you can change into," Josh offered.

"That'd be great, thanks," I nodded. He threw me a hoodie and sweat pants and directed me to the bathroom that I hid in.

Looking in the mirror, I was a mess, to say that least. I hadn't showered in a few days, though that was normal. And my jeans held blood stains.

I took my clothes off and changed into Josh's while I tried to remember what happened.

Guilt. After what I'd said, and the dullness on Josh's face, I rushed out of school and grabbed the beer. Vic. Vic paid for it, because I didn't have any money.

Of course. Of course I saw him. He did nothing wrong, in a way. He was a nice guy, everyone loved him and for good reason. But he was dating my ex. So kind or not, it hurt far too much to simply think of him. Was he that much more beautiful, perfect then me? Kellin chose him over me. But he had the right to. I'm selfish, far from beautiful, nihilistic to the extreme and fucked up in the eyes of most. And what is Vic? Kind, funny, adorable and of course Kellin would love him. Not me. A part of me still loved Kellin. Or maybe I missed the love I felt because I can barely feel anything anymore. I miss long nights watching TV and repeating our promise of making it to seventeen with the belief we were forever. We would grow up and get married, and have kids and support the other.

But things don't go the way they plan. Someone gets their heartbroken because they're not good enough. While the other goes off with their next lover, whether they fall in love and live happily ever after or go through the same thing. And that's why love is bullshit. It's lies. It's pain in disguise. It'll slap you in the face in moments. I was too dumb to see that and fell for its trap. I wouldn't fall in love again.

"Oli? You almost done in there?" Josh's soft voice broke my trance. I'd been staring in the mirror, gripping the counter while I got lost in my thoughts and memories.

"Yeah," I mumbled. "I'll be out in a minute." Finding my nose particularly stuffy, I grabbed a handful of toilet paper and aggressively blew into it.

I walked out of the bathroom, holding my pile of clothes, and found Josh picking this up from around his room.

"Well, thanks for.. y'know," I mumbled. Josh nodded. "And, Friday, what I said. I'm sorry, I didn't-"

"It's okay," Josh assured me, cutting me off. "I overreacted on what you said. You don't need to worry. But.. But I think.. If nothing matters, does that fact even matter? Why does it have to get in the way?"

I bit my lip. I thought that once, I asked myself that. But he didn't get it, it didn't work that way. "I'll see you later Josh." I rushed down the stairs and ran home. We had school, but I'd already missed the first two hours and half of yesterday. I opened the door to my home, expecting it to be empty, but my mother stood there looking as furious as ever.

"Where the hell were you?" She demanded. "School called yesterday saying you ditched, and then again this morning saying you haven't arrived."

"I-"

"And what the hell are these?" She pointed to the counter. The gardening packets, the books, the coffee maker. My gifts to my family before I left. No. Fuck.

"I was- Those are-" I couldn't form words or excuses.

"What's been going on with you lately Oliver? Ever since you broke up with that boy you've been so.. closed off."

"They're gifts, Mom," I said. "I'm a teenager, I'll ditch. I'm sorry, it won't happen again." I rushed upstairs and slammed the door behind me. My mom found my gifts. They weren't supposed to be found until my last day.

Oh well.

I'd give them in advance. They'd be appreciative of them, even with the confusion of where it was coming from. Out of nowhere, gifts from their son who had barely spoken to them in months. And then I'd die, and hopefully they'd get the message.

Oh, it was a goodbye. Goodbye then, nice raising you for sixteen years. We'll get over you like everyone else has.

Because I never meant much to anyone. Kellin was the first person I believed cared for me and that was because it was undeniable. During those five years we knew each other he made it clear; he cared for me. At one point I just accepted it. There was no point making myself believe he didn't

But did he love me like I loved him? No. Because even if someone cared for me, no one could love me, could they? And now that Kellin had left me I had no one. My family and I were never close, especially not close enough to share deep secrets such as how fucked up I could be. I had little friends that I abandoned the moment Kellin told me he wanted to be with someone else.

But then there was Josh. And he cared, just a little too much. People could care, I couldn't stop them. Unfortunately there were good people living in this hell of a world that cared for others. But they never cared for me to an extent they couldn't get over me. Josh was blurring that line. He was too close. I had been so close to getting him to leave me, but my small bit of humanity felt guilty and now he was back.

I'd just have to go back to heartless Oli, then.

I searched my backpack for my bag, intent on getting rid of my thoughts with spilt blood, but I didn't find shit. Or at least when I did, the bag was empty. Josh took my bag, he took my blades.

Back to heartless Oli.

~_~_~_~

How do I half ass my math homework

More importantly, how do I trick my mom into thinking I got my HW done so I can see my joyfriend and I won't be outed by the teachers

Okay so this is chapter what ten? In that case- ooohhh~

I'm too lazy to wait so I'm gonna make it get spicy oh that's right that has to happen tho

What a username tho like is that a baby bottle or a fucking candle iiiits a candle okay