Boys Don't Cry

Chapter 46

"I feel sick, my head is aching, I feel like I'm dying, I'm itchy, my throat hurts, I keep having these horrific nightmares, except I'm not asleep, because I can't sleep at all."

"They are all very common symptoms of withdrawal. They'll only last a few more days." She assures me. I slump back on to the couch and wait for the session to start. It does and my father starts it off.

"I feel like he hates us. But we're only doing it because we care." He says. Everyone looks at me, but I stay silent. Amelia is next and what she says stuns us all.

"When you lost Eve, I couldn't imagine what you felt. You must be in so much pain, but when I watched those paramedics revive you - I realised that I might lose you, that was too much pain on its own. I'm sorry you lost eve, but after seeing what I did, I realised what an impact you'd had on our lives, and I can't lose you. I will make sure of it. Hate me if you want to, but we need you." She says, crying. I slump back, defeated and wait for the session to end, it finally does. "Michael, we're going to go see the doctor before we go back to your room, okay?" Sarah insists. I follow her straight there, not even saying goodbye to my parents. We walk further down the hall, and in to the medical room. Here we meet Doctor Peters, the guy from before who told everyone what was going on in the first place and Katherine is also there.

"Thank you, Dr Hutton." Katherine says and Sarah smiles at me.
"I'm here whenever you need to talk, ok?" She says handing me a strip of paper with her name and number on it. The doctor, Katherine and I all walk in to the room and we go through the normal porcedures, such as, weighing me, and checking how tall i am. He confirms that because i am going through withdrawal, and if i'm not eating because of the nausea, then i will lose some weight. Then he checks things like my heart rate and blood pressure, to make sure its not very serious. After some very stern talks about the damage drugs do to my body, and my destructive ways, he tells me its nothing serious and advises me to keep drinking a lot of fluids. i walk back to my room in silence, with Katherine by my side, as we approach my room, i see my parents, who are waiting outside. I don't smile, instead i don't even look at them. I walk in to my room first, with everyone ready to join me, but i don't acknowledge my parents. My plain room greets me, with the only sign of life being the three pictures of the wall, the pictures that summarize my life.

"Wow, if only your room was this clean at home!" Amelia jokes. i don't respond, but everyone else lets out a chuckle, even my father who speaks next.

"You'll be home soon enough to mess it up again." he says, looking at me. i drag my still aching body to the bed and sit on top of it, resting my weak legs. Katherine leaves, leaving us alone. Amelia takes a seat on the bed next to me, she turns her head to face me and then smiles, refusing to give up.

"How you holding up?" she asks pushing me to speak to her. I turn my head to look at her and shrug.

"Horrible." I say honestly, they both look at me with pity.

"You'll be home before you know it, you just have to get clean." My Dad replies. Feeling nauseous, I lie down on the bed, closing my eyes to stop the room spinning. However, this does not work, I immediately have to shove my body forward and vomit in to the bucket which has resumed it's position beside my bed. A caring hand reaches over and pats my back, and another one hands me a tissue to wipe my mouth with, I take in silence and drag it across my face, then I sit up and face my parents. Who have looks of sadness across their faces. I lie back down on the bed and Amelia places a blanket over me. She pours some more water from a plastic jug in to a plastic cup and hands it to me again. I drink it in one them lie back down. The room is silent for a few minutes, before my father speaks again. "You know, if you ever can't sleep at night, don't hesitate to phone me, I'm sure they'll let you if I put a word in." He says quietly. I look at him and nod. I say goodbye and they both leave, and I am left once more to tackle my demons by myself. My hand reaches for the nightstand and take hold of the cup of water, I finish it in one gulp, sending the cold liquid down my burning throat to relieve my overheating body.

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I toss and turn for the fifth night in a row, agitated and distressed. I look at the clock and it tells me it's 23:04. I decide I won't be sleeping anytime soon and I give up, heaving my body upwards, I sit on the end of my bed, thinking about home, I take all the pictures off of the wall and flick on a light, the low glare is just enough to make them out. The black and white ultrasound photo stares back at me, the memories of the day I got it come flooding back, everything was fine then, Eve was growing at a steady rate and there was no signs of any problems. That was only over a month before she died. What went wrong in that time? I look at the phone placed on my nightstand, the words my dad uttered before he left stick in my head.

"Don't hesitate to phone me."

My hand reaches for the phone and i scroll thorugh it looking for the right number, he answers straight away.

"Hello?" I hear from the other end.

"Dad? It's me." I say, confirming that it's me. Then again, who else would phone him at eleven o'clock at night.

"You should be asleep." he scolds, but we both know I can't sleep.

"I can't." I tell him. "I keep thinking."

"About what?" he asks softly, seeming interested in my thoughts. I think about what I am going to say, careful not to say too much.

"I keep getting these dreams, except I'm not asleep, they're horrible." I elaborate.

"They're called hallucinations. Tell me what happens in them."He instructs, with the same tone. I wipe a runaway tear from my face.

"Eve is crying, but when I pick her up, she's dead, but then when I put her down she starts screaming again, it's ear piercing." I describe. "Eve, Hayley, you guys - I've fucked up my life." I explain to him, getting tearful. He answers back straight away, as though he doesnt even have to think about, as though he was explecting it.

"What happened with Eve wasn't your fault, these things just happen and they are shit but no one is to blame. You and Hayley have been through so much together, she won't throw it all away, even if it means you're just friends. You're not going to lose her forever." I listen deeply, clinging on to every word as though it's my last hope. "As for Me and your Mother, you haven't fucked things up, everybody needs a little help now and again. This can be fixed."He reassures me. I listen to this man - this man who i have known for less than a year, and I take in every single word he speaks.

"Your mum wants to speak to you, if she can." He asks. I mumble that she can and instantly I hear her soothing voice.

"Please don't hate me." She pleads with me. "I love you so much."

"I don't hate you, if i did I wouldn't be here. I'm trying to get clean so I can come home." I tell her, i hear her sobbing slightly. "Mum, I love you both so much." I say to her.