poems i can't tell my therapist about

no longer scared to death

I never thought about death when i was little
When the world was warm and golden

But now i think about it
And sometimes i crave it

I have nothing against living
Nothing that i should be ungrateful for

But sometimes i feel like it would be easier and i would feel free like a bird

To me death would feel like holding your breath for a really long time then finally releasing it

Living is holding your breath
Your chest tightening
Your eyes watering
Everything in a haze

Death is releasing your breath
Your finally able to breath
Your body feels light
And even though your dying
You've never felt lighter

I used to be scared of death
I was scared to death of death

Then i realised i didn't fear death
I feared the people i love dying
I rather it be me

Sometimes i purposely do things that would endanger me

Ill cross the street without looking
Ill hold myself underneath the docks at the lake
Ill hold my breath until i turn purple
Ill yell at people hoping they'll hit me so i can feel something
I don't take medicine because i feel as if i deserve getting sick

When ever i get hurt i always say it could be worse then this so i deal with it

Then theres

People think about it at least once

I know have
A few times
More then a few

Thinking about suicide
And commiting suicide
Are two different things

Most causes of suicide are caused by depression

And depression is caused by
Well
Its different for everyone

You could be an average person and
Be depressed

You could be a happy person and be depressed

You can be the saddest person and be depressed

I know ill never die by suicide
I promised myself a long time ago
But if the world kills me there's nothing i can do about that

Sometimes i feel guilty for not loving life as much as i should

I mean its just

I have friends
But they don't get it

I have a family
But they don't get it

I used to be scared of death
Before i realised it happens to everyone
And it ok to crave it a little earlier then i should

I think about all the times people told me mean things

I think about the voices in my head that come talking whenever im in the dark

I think about them and i convince myself that what they say is true

Then i don't feel so guilty anymore

When i was golden i was scared of death

Now im rusted
and sometimes
Only sometimes
Death doesn't sound so bad anymore