Hidden Pride

Well If I'm Being Honest

"You wanna go for a drive?" John asked over breakfast. He probably wanted to talk about last night. I had almost forgotten about last nights mess. Why did I think all of this would stop if I told him? I wasn't really thinking straight, I could just blame it on that. "Uh- yeah sure."

Breakfast went by quickly and the next think I knew I was in the passenger seat of his car. Every minute filled more dread and anxiety that the last. He parked in a target parking lot. My anxiety was getting to a point of uncontrollable desperation. I put my hand in my jacket pocket to find some sort of candy wrapper. I started to fidget with the wrapper for some sort of sensation to distract me.

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" John leaned his back against the seat and looked at me. It took me a few seconds to think of an answer. "I didn't want it to be true, y'know? I just thought if I didn't say it, it might change." I felt like crying because of this sudden realization.

"I already knew before you told me." John admitted giving me a smirk. I thought I was being so careful. I felt so broken, I'd been fighting a battle I was never going to win. "How?"

"Takes one to know one. I saw the pink blueish vomit and tears. I didn't want to pressure you, I know what that's like." I didn't know if I should be angry or not. I felt so tired of this and it wasn't going to be over. I felt like crying and John must've realized it. "Paul, it's going to be okay. You're not alone anymore, I'm here." John tried to reassure me.

He put his hand on my shoulder taking me out of my panicked state. His hand felt like the only thing keeping me grounded.he tried to move his hand but I stopped him by grabbing his hand. I held his hand knowing if I let go I'd probably start panicking again. "John, am I going to have to tell everyone else?"

"You don't have to, it's not something you have to do. If you ever date a guy though be prepared for questions." He didn't seem to mind that I was holding onto his hand for dear life. There were so many complicated steps to this all. I wish it was just easy to be this like why do I have to come out? Holding John's hand felt easy and real unlike how everything else in my life.

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