Hidden Pride

Would You Have Me? Would You Want Me? Would You Tell Me To Go Fuck Myself?

John walked in. I sat up because it felt like the polite thing to do even though I wanted to stay down because I felt dizzy and almost sick sitting up. I leaned my head against the wall to help steady myself.

"Between you and George visiting me this week I'm overwhelmed with attention." I said sarcastically.
"Paul?"
"Yeah."
"Are you okay?"
"Oh I'm doing just peachy! I just got a letter from my ex who helped ruin my life and oh yeah everything's a fucking disaster." I could feel tears start to form but I pushed them away.
"I'm sorry- wait Jane sent what?"
"A letter but that doesn't really matter right now. What are you here for?"
"George said... well he said you weren't doing well."
"Oh so you came too see how shitty I'm doing? John just fuck off I don't need your sympathy."
"Are you drunk?"
"You're just noticing now? God you're fucking oblivious."
I was being a lot more angry than I was meant to be I mean I wasn't really angry at him. I just couldn't stop taking it out on him. It was easier to get angry at John who's right in front of me than Jane who was god knows where. I was going to regret it all in an few hours.

I lied back down hoping it would make him leave but he still stayed. I wish he didn't walk in here in the first place the room is a disaster. It's fine but apart of me wants to have a clean room when someone walks in to prove I was totally not depressed and 100% okay. John grabbed a few of the empty bottles that were on the ground.  I pushed myself up again with the palm of my hand on the bed. I still felt dizzy while doing it.

"What are you doing?" I learned over to get a better look at what he was doing.
"I'm cleaning."
"No you're not. I'm perfectly capable of cleaning my own room!"
John didn't say anything and kept on going on picking up garbage and putting it into the nearby bin.
"I told you to stop."
"I know."
"John leave! If the only thing you're going to do is patronize me then leave."
John stopped and looked at me. We made eye contact before we both looked away. I could tell he was trying to form his words but struggling. I hated that I knew that much about his body language I mean he's part of the reason I'm here right now but I still loved him.

"Paul... I actually love you."
I thought I'd feel different. I thought I'd feel magically better I mean that's how it works in the movies. I felt a little hurt actually that he took this long to tell me and now I'm here.
"Wow whoop-de-doo! You finally figured out how you feel amazing! Let me guess you still don't want to date me because you're trying to protect me." I put air quotes around trying to protect me.
"I'm sorry."
"Oh it doesn't matter much now."
"I know I'm too late but I love you."
"I love you too but who knows if that's me or the whisky." John moved to the door.
"I'll come back tomorrow morning and we can worry about the letter." He gave me a smile before he left. I felt confused and dizzy and to be honest I didn't really know exactly what I was supposed to do.