Hidden Pride

At Least I Got You In My Head

John kissed me and put his hands on my hips. I put my forehead against his and looked at him. My arms were rested on his shoulder and my hands were holding teach others.
"I love you."
"I love you too." He said back. I pulled him into a hug. He was so warm and comfortable. I put my head on his shoulder.
"Paul?"
"Hmm?"
"Can I ask you something?"
"Anything."
I woke up alone. These dreams were getting worse and worse. I wish I'd stop having them they only serve to keep taunting me.

I got out of bed and got dressed. I walked out of my room and into the kitchen where John was sitting. He didn't say anything to me it was like I wasn't been there. It had been 3 days since I told him and he wasn't talking to me. He did speak to me like he used to there was this forced aspect of it to make this seem normal. I just wish he wouldn't pretend that I didn't say I liked him.

I got myself a bowl of cereal and took the seat farthest away from John not because I wanted to but because that's what he wants. I desperately wanted to be close to him like I was in my dream but now wasn't the time. I started to eat and stared tiles on the wall to avoid looking at John. I could still see him from the corner of my eye but I tried my best to ignore him but it felt impossible.

I felt like complete shit. I hadn't thought a lot about how I feel but i just realized how much I wanted to stop existing. Maybe not kill myself but not be here in this situation. What was there to really be here for? My life is such a disaster I mean half of my friends hate my for cheating and the other half are getting into fights trying to defend me. And then the only friend I thought I had who knows the full story doesn't want to talk to me to protect me or something.

Summer was coming up and I had the next few months to mope about it. I needed to get through the rest of this week and then I'd be good to set up my own pity party. God I was so pitiful. I know I'm supposed to pull myself up by my bootstraps but what if I don't want to put on my boots? I just want to lie down and cry.
I glanced over at John. Fuck it! The silence was drilling a hole into my head and I couldn't take it anymore. So I finally asked him the question I've been dying to ask.

"John, do you like me?"
"It doesn't matter."
"Just tell me."
"I- don't know but it doesn't matter because we aren't going to..." he trailed off like he almost didn't want to say the word.
"We could."
"Paul... no."
"Come on let's just go for it! I mean what's the worst that's going to happen?"
"I don't think you really want to find out the answer to that question. I know I don't."
"But-" John cut me off frustrated with my pushing which to be fair was pretty annoying.
"Look Paul! I'm just trying to protect you!"
"I don't want you to protect me!"
"I don't think you understand how badly this could go for you!"
"Who cares what they say." I put my hand on his arm but he moves away.
"This is the last time we're talking about this. I'm not going to ruin your life even more over this." We stared at each other for a second before he spoke up again. "I- have to go." He said getting up and walking away.
"Where?"
"Just somewhere."
And once again for the second time today I was alone.

Hope y'all liked this chapter! Thanks for reading! Leave a comment or a like! I'd really appreciate it. Have a good day.