Finding Purpose

Progress

Perched on the edge of the bed, I pulled on my ankle boots, zipping them up and getting to my feet to finish styling my hair. My morning's progress was stunted by my brain being so scattered, as it had been a lot lately. Well since that day anyway. It had been two weeks since I'd been to Justin's mother's house. Two weeks since we'd kissed... and since I'd last seen him. In the moment the kiss had seemed like the best thing, the right thing. It felt incredible, and in my head, I'd definitely wanted to go further. I got lost in him whenever he was near me, but that kiss had opened me up to realising just how much I liked him. He was the kindest, sweetest and most genuine person that I'd ever met, and I not only needed that now, but I felt like I'd needed it all along and just never knew. So I couldn't help but torture myself over what had possibly happened to make him ghost me so suddenly. I didn't understand it, there had been no issue at the time, in fact the total opposite. The rest of that day had been perfect. His family were so warm and welcoming, Justin had been great, and when he had dropped us off home, I could feel the fact that he wanted to kiss me again, but babies can be notoriously excellent at spoiling a 'moment'. Wyatt had woken up and begun giving his vocal chords a workout. I didn't think we parted on bad terms, he was as sweet as always, but there must have been something that I was missing since he'd just disappeared after that.

Still, as hard as it was for me to understand whatever was going on, it was thanks to him that I'd begun to make steps in the right direction. I now had Wyatt in at a great daycare nearby, and with the free time, I'd even successfully earned a trial period as an assistant to a high up executive in a downtown firm. And with his work causing him to be out of the office so often, it even came with flexibility for working from home when needed. But perhaps more important than all of that, I'd made a friend. Katie and I had exchanged numbers before I left that day, and we'd been in touch frequently. She was great, and it had reminded me of how much fun it used to be to have friends. I'd been alone for so long that I'd just gotten stuck in the idea that I didn't need anyone else, other than Reia. But losing the last person that you had by your side, awakens you to seeing that you do need people, everyone needs someone. Life is a lonely place, and when something turns your world upside down, you need help getting through that, help turning it the right way back up again. I'd actually found myself waking up and going to sleep with a smile on my face more often, through just having that friendship there to help me get through the hard moments in the days.

I picked Wyatt up from his playpen in my room where I'd left him with his ball whilst I finished getting ready, then dove downstairs, grabbing his bag from behind the door, and hurrying out to the car. Buckling him into his seat, I tucked his elephant into his arms and closed the door, getting behind the wheel and setting off for the daycare centre. It felt good, invigorating almost to have a routine outside of the day to day one at home. Good to be leaving the house for things other than groceries or baby check ups at the clinic. I loved every single second that I was with Wyatt, and it was hard to leave him for hours at a time, but at the same time, we needed that time apart too. Time for him to experience new things, and for me to step back into the world, and feel like something other than a parent.

I dropped him off, trying to make the saying goodbye part as quick as I could, so that I didn't begin crying like I had a few times before. It was hard to let him go, to actively walk away from him. I supposed it was natural for parents in normal situations, for the first time. But for me, I struggled with the mental thought of what would happen if I didn't make it back to him one day like his parents didn't. With every time that I drove away, there was always that risk, no matter how much I attempted to push away the thought, I knew it was something that could happen, and that terrified me. I vowed each time that I handed him over to the kind lady who ran the centre, that I would make it back to him, because he needed me, and I needed him. But in the back of my mind I was unable to truly put that worry out of my head. Back behind the wheel, I watched them all walking back inside, closing the door, and shutting me out. I took a deep breath, feeling the tears stinging in my eyes, barely registering the vibrating sound of my phone on the passenger seat. Casting my attention in that direction, I picked it up, sliding my finger over the screen.