Sunset Dendrobium

4.3.1 One Trauma

Singto's POV

I woke up feeling better but a little empty. I dont know why. I bet something happened last night. But somehow i know i shouldnt dig deeper. Something. But what.

What happened yesterday? Stop thinking. Empty. I know I will have a clue if i check my phone. But my head tells me it's not the best thing to do now. I wish i could call in sick today. I am not sick. In fact i am feeling healthy and good. But something just isnt right.


I got up and washed up and prepared for work. I was feeling a little hungry. I opened the fridge habitually. It's always empty except for the juices. I know its bad to drink cold juices in the morning especially with an empty stomach but i really cant cook to save myself. And i am so bad at using microwave. People always wonder how i survived overseas. They expected me to pick up simple cooking but what do they know... they should be glad i didnt even try burning the house down.

I was surprised to see my fridge being stocked and.... There was food! With written instructions. Did I miraculously hire a housekeeper?

Yes. how could i forget.

DJ.

The name felt distant suddenly. Not sure if it was me trying to distance myself or the name itself wanted to keep me at arm's length.

I recalled the last words i said to him before the drowsiness kicked in.

"kiss"

And something along the line of "text me when you are home".

I quickly pick up my phone. I needed answers.

There was only one message from him.

"Home! :)"

Just one word.

Nothing else. I was strangely disappointment.

I wouldnt even care when Plustor doesnt text me for two weeks. Although he has always ensured to keep me on his daily call-out list.

I never even felt this unhappy when my ex girlfriend Apple and i got into a fight and she went MIA on me for a week.

Yet here i am, wanting to call in sick just so i can mourn over one word.

Did I ruin a friendship again? With my strayed thoughts?

Why again?

This goes all the way back to high school. I was 16.

It was meant to be just a fool around fun. "Sex friends" like what Tharn and Type would say.

We said we will not get emotional. Yet I did.

I confessed one day after we did those sweaty physical exercise, the kind that didnt involve clothes, at the back of the music room.

All he said was... "You are disgusting".

He graduated a year before me. We never talked again since that day. Nobody knew about us. We had always been discreet and we pretended to be just senior and junior from the same club.
He simply avoided me or ignored me if he couldnt.
I heard from some seniors that he ended up dating another guy in the club.

But his words never left me. Disgusting. Was I really disgusting?

I never got near another guy after that. I got into a relationship with Apple two years later. We broke up because she cheated on me. She was sleeping with a close friend of mine. Her reason? I did not sleep with her and she felt unattractive. And i thought i was being a gentleman. We were together for about six months. Of which she cheated for four or maybe five?

The next girlfriend, Belle, was in my last year in uni. She's a cousin of my classmate, Earth. She liked me and was the one who asked to be in a relationship. I agreed at that time because... i felt i was attracted to that classmate of mine. He and I had been doing projects together and we spent a great deal of time. Too much. I did not want to lose him as a friend and i thought perhaps being with a girl, which is the normal thing to do, would make me forget my attraction for him.

To be honest, I really enjoyed my time with Apple and Belle. I thought I loved them and respected them. Belle was the only girl i got intimate with. But we never crossed that line. I stopped because.. I was scared. Because i knew she isnt the one i would spend forever with. I did not want to hurt her.

I was heartbroken when one day Earth came to me and said he confessed to a junior and they are now boyfriends. Boyfriends. That moment, i realised my feelings for Earth never left. I merely transferred it to his cousin. Two weeks later I broke up with her, using my overseas studies as an excuse.

Earth and his boyfriend are still together.

I dismissed those disgusting high school moments and my feelings for Earth. I went on dates with girls. I kissed them, I flirted with them and everyone who knew me believed I am straight. Even myself.

I always made sure i maintained a safe distance with guys ever since that guy in high school. I didnt even tell Plustor nor P Jane about him and Earth. Because i know Plustor would only tip that balance and P Jane too. They would tell me the one thing I fear hearing the most. That I...

I am not homophobic. Not even close. I just dont want to get close to men that way again. I have been burnt badly and I am still traumatized. How could a guy who fucked me time and time again tell me I am disgusting?

So i really didnt know what got over me when DJ entered my life. I wanted to touch him so much. I wanted to hold his hand so much. I wanted to be close to him. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to see him.

With DJ, i felt happy. I felt inhibited.

The moment i fell on top of him... I felt... safe and home. The way we played and wrestled. Me attacking his numbed feet, making him jump, him holding both my wrists, grabbing my back, returning my gaze softly...

I felt happy. Yet afraid.

It was a mixed feeling. I never wanted to be close to another man again.

I blame it on the medicine and my headache. That I shamelessly asked for a kiss. And he turned me down. Because.... He didnt want me to regret.

But surely, a good looking guy like him.. Im sure this isnt the first time he's gotten close to another guy? DJ said he did want to kiss me. So what was holding him back? What would I regret?

Frankly speaking, i dont know how i would react if we really kissed.

Perhaps this is the sign. That i shouldnt... Maybe some people are just meant to be single.

I looked at my phone again, making sure i didnt accidentally miss out any of DJ's messages and then made up a thousand and one excuses for his lack of messages. Maybe the internet was down? Or he was too tired from taking care of a sick person. Or... he didnt want to wake up me from his messages...

But i also reminded myself to put it all behind me. He is a friend. I shall not bother him again in case he gets uncomfortable.

I headed to work as usual. Hoping it would distract me. I didnt touch my phone at all. For fear of disappointment from the messages that i do not receive. Not even during lunch. I expected Plustor to call. But he probably has nothing urgent that would require my instant response.

I had switched off my phone and put it inside my locker. Out of sight, out of mind.

Perhaps staying away from DJ for a while will be good for me.