Never Been Kissed

Ch.44 ↬ M

Why was life so cruel?

Why was life a rollercoaster of emotions?

Why was life one big chaotic, turbulent mess?

Why was I a mess?

After fleeing from Josh's mom's house, I ran down the street taking as many turns as I could in the hopes that he wouldn't follow me. He didn't. I couldn't bear to face him, blotchy crimson cheeks caked with wet tears and puffy, bloodshot eyes. I didn't want to relive that night again and again.

Having accepted I'd never divulge the identity of my assaulter, when I came face to face with him, I lost it. I shifted in and out of reality and memories, hating the too-smooth transition that became mutually exclusive to that sensation, married up to the tightening of my chest and the breathlessness.

I didn't run all the way back to the apartment. I managed to hail a cab on my way and I'm sure I paid him way too much of a tip, but I couldn't think straight. Actually, I could barely think at all. Frank's entire being was too tangible for me and too overpowering. My attacker now had a name and a life and a family and a saviour status because he was a fucking firefighter and not quite the monster I'd constructed him as in my head.

Frantic back at my apartment, I rushed around and stuffed whatever I could locate into a bag. I'd almost made it out, trembling and sobbing and unable to form any type of cohesion in my mind, until I remembered about my dad's phone in my jewellery box. There was no way I could leave that behind. I had no idea how long I'd be away from Riverside for, but I was not leaving without that phone.

Throwing my bag into my car, I hated the striking realisation when I noticed Josh's car was parked haphazardly alongside mine. How long had he been back? Was he in his apartment? Had we been so close? Unable to dwell on it for any longer, I collapsed into my driver's seat and hightailed it away from that apartment and the community hall. I hightailed it all the way out of Riverside and even the towns past that.

Until I returned to Overton.

Until I booked myself into a random hotel in Overton for a preliminary week. Anything more...

I had no idea.

I had absolutely no plans.

Even though I knew I would have to phone Jeremy to let him know I had to abruptly take some time off work, I couldn't do it then. I couldn't even fucking unpack. All I did was dump my bag on the floor, ensuring my door was locked behind me, before collapsing on the bed. Alone. Confused. Heartbroken.

Only a few weeks ago I'd been jarred by the awareness that Josh was the person who kissed me five years ago at a house party which ultimately led to my final decision to leave Riverside.

In the weeks before I made the decision to return to Riverside, I scoured forums regarding grief and trauma. They all advised accepting in whatever way worked best for you what had happened to you, and I strongly believed that returning to Riverside and restoring myself to my natural personality was best for me. Not inventing myself and changing aspects of my life to a bunch of strangers.

To become myself again and embrace every single part of my life, no matter how traumatic and scarring it was

Having been so profoundly down the rabbit hole of my mind, I almost didn't register my phone was ringing until it was too late. Glancing at it, I felt my heart break just a tiny bit more.

Josh.

Of course it was Josh.

Since I hung up on him earlier when I'd pulled over for gas and two swanky cars decided to engage in a honking-fuelled drag race, he'd called me nonstop. I made the mistake of leaving my phone on so I had to endure the constant vibration of my phone every time it rang out. Although I'd silenced my phone, the vibration kept echoing in my head. Even when I knew he wasn't calling, the vibration was still audible to me.