Never Been Kissed

Ch.38 ↬ M

FIVE YEARS AGO

I was sat at my desk completing algebra homework.

A part of me liked homework because it meant I could slip into another world temporarily and focus so intently on fixing problems and engaging in theories and arguing points. Other times I would be too distracted to complete any of it, but I'd never returned homework uncompleted. I was too much of a good student for that, though there was nothing wrong with that.

Somewhere in the back of my head I knew that if I could succeed at school then I could succeed at life, but that was a moronic theory.

School doesn't teach you how to pay bills. School doesn't teach you how to make it on your own in the world. School doesn't teach you how to grieve a loss of someone. School doesn't teach you how to figure out how to become an adult in a step-by-step process.

That was why my theory was stupid.

School could never have prepared me for the abrupt loss of my dad before high school and the loss of my mom's soul due to a severe and killing drug addiction.

It was all in my head. I knew that.

I kept myself to myself because it was easier than allowing someone to enter my life and find the skeletons in my closet. When they'd spy my mom sprawled out on the sofa with bruises marring her sickly pale skin that was stretched over the bones, they'd take pity on me and will themselves to make a difference. They'd call the police and social services and it would all disrupt my life further. I wanted no complications.

My mom acted as though I didn't exist. I was residing in a house with a shell of a human being that gave me life and used to braid my hair for me and read me bedtime stories of Ariel and Cinderella but changing them so they featured female empowerment.

Both my mom and my dad were my idols; I couldn't pick one. They were a team together, not individuals. Some would say that's disheartening, but I found it cherishing and memorable. Memories included both of them and they were always happy together.

As I progressed through the algebra homework which was a last-ditch attempt to keep the class engaged before school terminated forever to forget about my mom's unconsciousness on the sofa in the lounge with the curtains shut, her body draped in darkness, my stomach rumbled loudly and I groaned, shutting my eyes. I'd been late returning home from school after having been speaking to a teacher about one of my assignments. Pressing a hand against my stomach, I winced, prolonging the opening my eyes.

The storm was raging hard outside as it had been for a day already. The rain pelted against my window and the wind smacked against the house. It was peaceful as background noise for me, though I could never quite settle the disconcerting sensation that storms seemed to evoke from me.

Upon returning home later than usual, it was the predominant reason why I'd skipped dinner, only briefly glancing in my mom's direction as she lay sprawled on the sofa, her limbs trembling as she reached for her final fix before her dealer would arrive. That was why. That was why I skipped dinner. It was harrowing enough to be in the same house as him, but to be in the next room... it was intolerable.

I didn't want to waste time in the kitchen and be forced to interact with her dealer. So I headed to my room, my stomach protesting loudly. The first thing I did when I dropped my school bag on the floor was check my secret food stash concealed at the bottom of my wardrobe for emergencies akin to this one.

Upon checking, a sigh escaped me. My stash was bare.

With a glance at my phone to check the time, I sighed. The dealer's arrival was encroaching, and I wanted nothing more than to stay out of my mom's way. Occasionally thumping echoes from the lounge and I had to plug in my headphones, hating how vulnerable it made me whenever I blasted my music through them. In a heightened state of paranoia induced from wearing my headphones, I either had to face my door and guard entry to my room or glimpse over my shoulder every few seconds.