Corbeau (The Crossdressing Detective)

Chapter 9

over the edge . All he could think about was getting pissed and self destructing .

Some might say, why do dress as Katie Wilson ? Some might say why do dress up as girl ? Katie Wilson saves me , Katie Wilson sets me free . Some might say you looking fucking stupid. I don't care because I don't want to me a man . All they do is hurt and cause you pain . You know what some might say ? You know what some might say

Fuck off , fuck off , fuck off.

He was back at the flat now, he'd completely ignored Vince like he didn't exist. He was half way through a bottle of scotch that he'd stopped to get at Tesco's extra on the way home.

He hadn't drunk for years but he'd snapped, even dressing wouldn't help him at the moment .

I dress as Katie Wilson she sets me , no one sees the scars underneath , they think I'm ok , I live my life just being nice, people hurt you, tonight I'm a frock and roll star and if you're not proud of who I am , you're not my friend , tonight I'm a frock and roll star , tonight I'm a frock and roll star , tonight I'm a frock and roll star , this is frock and roll , this is frock and roll , this is frock and roll , this is frock and roll .

The music from his iPad blared into his ears .

Made a meal and threw it up on Sunday , what's the matter with me ? Looking for the answers - Katie sets me free , if only you knew , don't go away Katie , please hold my hand , what's the matter with me ? stand by me , nobody knows the way that it's been , stand by me , yeah nobody knows the way that it means . If you love me , love Katie as well . Cos she makes me whole , yeah stand by me , nobody knows only Katie , she holds my hand , when everyone else left , don't you know that I'm Katie , yeah nobody knows , the way that it's been , stand by me cos only God knows , the way that it's been .

It was a rough night as he downed half a bottle of scotch and four or five cans of beer . He wasn't a drinker he'd seen what it did too people, but the past few days had been too much .

He kept thinking of the school bullies , of his birth mum , his birth Dad and the anger raged below the surface .

Some of the faces of colleagues that he'd lost swam through his mind . Some were from years ago and some were the recent ones who hadn't even been buried yet .

He thought of Chris and anger burned in his soul . Anger at Chris and anger at himself. Anger at the world and anger that he was a man . The past , the past, the past .

He was angry that he had turned to drink , angry for being so weak . Angry that he'd birth mum hadn't wanted him . When he woke his head banged like nothing before. He felt like shit.

He wanted the world to swallow him up.

He dragged himself to the bathroom , everything was an effort . Eventually he found himself in a full bath ; not moving , just laying there . Hating himself, hating the cruel world, hating God if there was one .

Maybe he should leave the force ? Maybe he just go away and start somewhere new . Why did other people have perfect life's, wives , girlfriends, kids ?

The day was a washout. He just laid on the sofa , watching crap TV , thinking , hurting and angry .

By tea time he felt more in the real world. Needing some air , he walked down the two flights of stairs and stood outside . Closing his eyes , breathing deep, taking on air like it was the nee heroin .

A car pulled up, it was Chris.

Shit .

"Are you alright ? he asked softly . There was a nervousness to his voice . Dave nodded slowly but didn't answer . His head still banging.