To Keep Going On

39

Beam looked down.

"I told Pha I was worried for you. I haven't seen you, I heard you two.. and you were not coming for class.. he got worried too. I swear he was worried, that's why I let him go talk to Forth. That's why he went to see Forth that day at his faculty. I.. I didn't even know what happened there till I saw your room and then Forth came looking for you and he was a mess.. and I.." he wiped his eyes. "I'm not that innocent Beamie.. and I have no intention of defending either one of them but I have never done anything to hurt you.. not intentionally. You are my brother and brothers fight but.. you a d I fought all the damn time!! I never said sorry and you always fogave me.." he broke down. "I.. I love you.. and you just.. you disappeared from the face of earth.. I didn't know if you were alive or.. or dead.."

Beam bit on his lower lip and pulled Kit closer. "Hey.. I was hurt.. I still am.. but I'm not angry with you.." he sighed. "You say it right? I always forgive you.. I do Kitty.. shu.. don't cry.."

"Please.. please.. I-I always wake up at night.. always with a different nightmare.. always see you cry in pain.. I.. I.. I don't.. I always see you lying in a dark room with chimes and you cry.. and I.. please Beam.. please forgive me.."

Beam blinked. "What?" He licked his lips. "You said.. I do what?" He asked in a low tone. "Tell me Kit.."

Kit looked up at Beam's face in time to se that single tear roll down his eye.

"Fi.. five or.. s-six months after you.." Kit started, still crying but he wiped the tear that fell from Beam's eye. "I.. I had this.. this dream where.. it was all dark.. so dark that.. I was scared.. but then I heard you cry for help.."

Beam's eye widened.

"I fo-followed the voice and you were.. you were there on the floor.. screaming for help.. asking for me.. and I.. I felt this pain.. this pain that cut my soul out.. I held your hand and the pain.. it stopped"

Beam slapped a hand on his mouth to hold his cry. He did not know how but somehow he knew what Kit was talking about.

"And then.. I had those weird dreams when.. when I'd find myself in that dark room.. so dark.. so lonely and so cold with the only sound coming from those chimes everytime the wind blew.. and I didn't see clearly because it's so dark but I can feel you.. I can feel you there.. I can feel the pain and I can.. feel you cry and then I'd look and I'd find you curled up in a ball in the floor and.. oh.."

Kit was in tears as he finished. He turned to Beam who was still with tears running down his cheeks and that hand still on his mouth.

"Beam.."

"Enh.." Beam sobbed and moved in Kit's arms, holding on to his waist and crying his heart out.

"Be.. Bea.." Kit was still. "Beam wh.. what.."

But Beam didn't answer. He felt like a dam break in his heart and all his pain poured out at once, flooding his eyes with tears.

Kit didn't know what made him like that but he knew he was in pain so he wrapped his hands around Beam and cried silently as Beam let out all his pain with his sobs. How long was it that he didn't get to be the one to cry? How long till he finally found a shoulder to hide and cry his heart out? How long had it been that Beam had kept ot all inside his heart and not let others know how broken and hurt he was?

They both sat up at the sound of their pagers, wiped their teary eyes and running noses, laughing at each other's pathetic looks before they hurried out.

##~~

"Agh.."

Thada massaged Kao's back who had just thrown up in the boy's toilet.