Hey, so I'm feeling pretty depressed and anxious atm so you know what that means...angst! Yeah so it's time for some todobaku angst because I've been mentioning them in some other one shots, I thought it was time they finally got their own lol. Also because I'm too lazy to finish my bakudeku one shot rn. There will be a few possibly triggering things in here, but I don't feel like putting them so this is your warning lol. I don't know what else to say. So yeah, hope you like this!~Author-Chan 💖
Todoroki's Pov:
I look over the scars, burns, and bruises covering my body. All from this weekend. I've been doing my best to avoid going home and I've been staying at the dorms for breaks and weekends. My father didn't like that very much. He demanded that I either come home or he'll take me out of UA. He said that if I don't start coming home more often than he'll take me out of UA because I "wouldn't deserve" to be a hero and because heroes are supposed to value family above all else. It was nice to see Fuyumi and Natsou again. Too bad it had to be while I was bleeding and crying. I miss them sometimes. I miss my mom most. My father is horrible but he's all I got. Him, Fuyumi and Natsou. I hate my father but I've learned to just take the abuse the best I can. It's not like I can just leave. If I Could I would do it in a heartbeat. Even if I could though, where would that leave my siblings? I can't leave them there with him. All my escapes are temporary. I've been contemplating suicide. I've been doing that for quite some time though. It isn't anything new. At least I'm back at the dorms now. I can see my friends again tomorrow. Lucky for me, despite being in a very caring, nice, observent and smart friend group, none of them have noticed anything. They haven't noticed any of my emotional or physical scars. Which is generally good on my part, I don't even know how pissed my dad would be if someone found out. I'm not worth worrying for anyway, not that they would even care. The scars I'm most thankful no one has seen are the self inflicted ones. Even though I've made it a priority to hide it, I feel like I want to feel safe with someone. Well I do, but it's not the way I want it. I can't trust anyone. Not even my friends, really. Everyone has bad intentions toward me, I'm sure of it. That's why I keep a lot of secrets. Ones I probably won't ever tell to anyone. My biggest secret is probably my sexuality. I like guys and I know my father would definitely kill me if he found out. Romance isn't even a thing in our house, especially not with anyone of the same gender. Love isn't really a thing in our house. It's probably because romance and love are beautiful and pure, and my father tends to ruin anything nice. I'm not happy. I never am. In fact, I can't remember the last time I was. Everything's either a blur or too vivid. Memories scare me. A lot of things scare me. A lot of stupid things scare me. I'm not afraid of anything that could hurt or kill me. What kind of hero would I be then? I'm not scared of getting hurt or being killed. One of my biggest fears is my thoughts. My thoughts tend to drone on and on about everything wrong with me and how no one really cares for me, like I don't already know that. I sometimes get voices in my head telling me just how worthless I am. I've lost hope trying to stop them. My mind is dark, there's almost no light there. Although my mind is only dark when I allow myself to think. When I don't, it's all just fuzzy, hazy, gray fog. And I feel nothing. The worst my thoughts get, is when I recall a memory and panic. I have nightmares, night terrors of memories. Again, memories scare me. I don't have nightmares and night terrors often, as I don't often sleep. I can't bring myself to sleep. I'm too vulnerable that way. I'm not afraid of dying like most people are, in fact, I've found myself drawn to the idea of dying. I want to. I have friends but I'm still so lonely. I want someone to help me. I want someone to care. But I can't tell anyone, and I'm certain no one will notice. I often forget to take care of myself. Not that it matters, if I die, good. Normally when I'm around my friends, I'm busy enough to keep my mind at a gray fog rather than a darkness. Recently though, we've been having someone else hang around our friend group. Midoryia and Bakugo have officially mended their relationship and are much closer. So close, that Bakugo hangs around our friend group sometimes, occasionally accompanied by members of his own friend group. And same with Midoryia and Bakugo's friend group. Bakugo is a jerk, but less of one with Midoryia and Kirishima around. The only problem with Bakugo hanging around us, is that he and I have sorta started a silent competition of who's better at, well, everything. We communicate our silent competition with our eyes. Most of the time the competition is silent and the victory is aloud. Bakugo and I have gotten closer as well, I would consider him a friend. Occasionally when he isn't training with Midoryia or Kirishima, he'll ask me to train with him. I find myself wanting to become closer to Bakugo. He reminds me of myself in some strange way. Maybe he understands me. For some reason, I also never fail to notice how physically attractive he is. Don't get me wrong, I don't have a crush on Bakugo, I just happen to find him attractive as I'm sure other people do as well. Bakugo is weird to be around but it isn't a bad kind of weird. I feel safe around him. Despite being mean and arrogant, he makes me feel safe and protected. I'm not sure why, but I am sure I like feeling safe. The first time I felt that was, well, when I felt it with Midoryia and then with Bakugo. My thoughts are interrupted by a knocking on my door and I realize how long I've been standing in front of my mirror. It's probably Midoryia or something. I put on a shirt and go to answer it. "Oh. Hi Bakugo." I say, seeing as Bakugo is now standing in front of me. "Do you need something?" I say, as he hasn't said anything yet. "Yeah, but first, why the fuck do you have bruises and shit all over your face and arms?!" He asks. The placement he mentioned my bruises were was oddly specific but I shrug it off. At least he didn't notice the self inflicted scars. "Training." I lie, brushing it off. "So you're expecting me to believe that the big ass burn on your neck is from training?! You can't do THAT to yourself!" He says, gesturing to said burn. Shit, since when is Bakugo so observant? Wait, burn on my neck?
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I arrive at home, hoping he won't be home for a bit so I can spend time with Fuyumi and Natsou before I get the shit beat out of me. Unfortunately, luck isn't on my side. "SHOTO! DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IVE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU TO COME HOME?!" He screams. "I'm sorry, I've been caught up with training at UA." I say, hoping to not fuel his anger. "I TOLD YOU! IF YOU DON'T START COMING HOME MORE I'M TAKING YOU OUT OF UA!!" He yells. "I understand. I'll come home more." I say, keeping my head down. He storms forward, pinning me against the wall by my neck, burning me. I let out a small whimper at the burning and harsh grip on my neck. "YOU LOOK AT ME WHEN I TALK TO YOU!" He yells. I direct my eyes up to keep contact with his. I just nod, trying to keep calm. This isn't even the beginning.
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"Icy hot? What the hell?!" I hear Bakugo say. I wince at the memory, fully coming back. I'm immediately hit with a wave of guilt. I was probably just standing here, unresponsive, for a good few minutes. I didn't mean to worry Bakugo. "I-I'm sorry. You were saying?" I say, moving my eyes from the floor next to him to his eyes. He looks confused. "...What the fuck was that?!" He asks. "Nothing. I just spaced out is all." I answer. "That's- you were- no. You didn't 'space out'. What the hell was that?!" He says. I shrug numbly. "Nothing." I respond. I can't let him know that it effected me or that it even happened. "Icy hot! You were standing there shaking and not saying anything for like two minutes!! That wasn't nothing!!" He says. "I was shaking?" I ask, honestly curious. I don't remember Fuyumi ever mentioning me shaking whenever this happened. "...yes! What the fuck-why the fuck- what the hell?!" He answers, obviously confused. "I was probably cold." I say, shrugging. He doesn't say anything. "I'm not sure why you're making such a big deal out of this. I just spaced out. Now what did you need?" I say, giving him a look that clearly says "drop it". He pauses before speaking again. "...Deku and shitty hair wanted me to come get you. I think pink cheeks is with them too. Apparently we're all gonna go do something together." He says. "What are we doing?" I ask. "Dunno. I don't even know if they know what we're doing." He says. I nod. "Ok, I'll be down soon. I'm just gonna change." I say. He nods too and walks away with his hands in his pockets. I change into a black turtleneck and jeans. I'm hoping Bakugo doesn't say anything to anyone else. I get ready and make my way downstairs to meet up with them. I haven't been with my friends since Friday. It's Sunday afternoon now, I'm glad I'm able to see them now. The two and a half days I spent at home were hell. I walk up to Kirishima, Midoryia, and Uraraka, who all are talking happily, with an annoyed Bakugo standing next to them. "Hi." I say, getting their attention. All three speak at almost the same time, with the same enthusiasm. "Oh hey Todoroki!!" Uraraka. "Hi Todoroki-kun!" Midoryia. "Hey man! What's up?!" Kirishima. They all seem mildly embarrassed that they spoke over each other. Bakugo just looks up from the floor at me. "So where are we going?" I ask. "Oh, well we were thinking maybe the mall or to get food!" Uraraka says. I nod. "Food sounds good." I say. I haven't eaten anything since...yesterday I think? "I'm with icy hot. Mall's too crowded." Bakugo says. Midoryia has told me about Bakugo's anxiety and how he doesn't like being in crowded places a lot. I find it... interesting. I find Bakugo interesting. I could learn about him all day. "Food it is then!" Midoryia chirps happily. "There's this really cute cafe a few minutes away from here that me and Tsu like to go to!" Uraraka says. "Sounds manly!" Kirishima says, earning small laughs and giggles from Midoryia and Uraraka. Everyone decided to go there. I start to follow them out. Bakugo stops me. They're all outside by now, probably talking. "Icy hot." Bakugo says, sounding serious. "Is something wrong?" I ask. "Yes there's something fucking wrong!?" He answers. I don't say anything, waiting for him to explain what he's talking about. "Do you not remember a thing from a few minutes ago when I watched you freak out?! Or when I noticed the big ass burn on your neck?!" He asks angrily. "Oh, I remember. I'll ask again, is Something wrong?" I reply calmly. "I-you-...Yes! What the fuck is wrong with you?!" He says. I shrug. "Nothing." I answer. "Something's wrong with you icy hot and you better tell me what the fuck it is!" He says. "I don't know what you're talking about." I say back. "Really?! Then explain where you got that burn from and why you started freaking out when I mentioned it!" He says. Who knew Bakugo cared so much? Especially about me. "I didn't 'freak out', I just spaced out for a second. And I told you, the burns from training." I answer in a monotone voice. "That's not true and you know it! You were shaking. Last time I checked, people don't start shaking when they space out! And who the fuck were you training with?! You and me are the only ones who could've burned you like that and you can't do that to yourself!" He says, clearly more frustrated than before. "...I was training with my dad." I say after a pause. "Your- Holy fucking shit. Is that where you got all the bruises and shit too? Your Dad?" He asks. "I-No. It was just from training." I lie. He rolls his eyes. "Right, totally 'just from training'" he says sarcastically. "Since when do you care anyway?" I ask, genuinely curious. "I've always cared. I'm just fucking awful at showing it. And I'm worried about you Todoroki! You-I fucking saw-your- Shit! You're my friend, alright?! That's why I care about you!" He raises his voice slightly. "Woah, ok. What the fuck Bakugo?! First of all 'Todoroki'?! What happened to icy hot or half and half? And second, I'm your friend?! Since when? I was unaware. I always considered you a friend but I was sure you didn't consider me the same." I say, just speaking my mind. "Yes you're my fucking friend! You, Deku and shitty hair are my closest friends! If you didn't know you could've fucking asked! And yeah, Todoroki. This is a serious thing we're talking about, I'm gonna call you your name." He says. At this point, I just want Bakugo to stop bringing this up, although it's relieving to know we consider each other friends. I'll just tell him the truth and make sure he doesn't tell anyone. "It's relieving to know we consider each other friends. And if I'm really one of your closest, I wouldn't mind if you call me shoto." I say, putting off telling him the truth about my dad or whatever. "Ok, but that's not the important thing right now?!" He says. "Ok fine, want me to tell you the truth?!" I ask. "Yes. Tell me what the fuck is going on with you!" He says. "Alright, fine! Yes, it was my dad that gave me all my 'bruises and shit'! And honestly? I don't know what the fuck that was! It happens whenever I remember something I don't want to remember..." I say, starting with a raised voice and ending quieter. "Oh my fucking god." He says. He has tears in his eyes. He pulls me into a hug. He's so warm. But it's just pity. He only has pity for me, that's all. I push him off and walk towards the door to Uraraka, Midoryia and Kirishima. "Don't tell anyone." I say, before walking out, showing no emotion.
