Misunderstood - A Personal Journal

Entry 1

11/9/12 12:17 am

Dear Diary,

I really want to cry right now, I don't know why. Too many thoughts going through my head I guess. It's November, which you know what that means. The anniversary of Pappa Jack's death. It's been 8 years, yet I still miss him and it still hurts so much. I don'tknow why I'm posting this on Wattpad. I guess so maybe I don't feel so betrayed if my mom reads it?

She use to do that. Go through and read my diaries. Made me so mad when I found out. Then blames on what I'm writing about. You wouldn't know what I was writing about if you hadn't read my diary! That was years ago. Though She did take the first chapter of I'm Not As Strong As I Seem out of my notebook.

She doesn't know That I know she did that. She also doesn't know that I took it back. I don't think she realizes either I've already posted it on Wattpad. She doesn't want people to know how we really were or even how fucked our family is.

I'll probably have to start writing these entries in a notebook. I'm borrowing my friend's computer is the only reason I can do this right now. I'll keep in a notebook and when I get the chance post on them here.

I don't know maybe it'll help people to see that they're not the only ones going through shit.

I miss Them a lot too. I can't say who I mean by Them, but I miss Them. They need to come back or at least answer our texts. I'm not sure what to think about Thier plan anymore. I do know one thing, three of us had dreams about them wednesday night. That's my fourth about them since Sunday. They just get creepier and creepier. Always us girls and Them getting kidnapped. It's starting to scare me a little though.

If there's ever a time where all of us dream about Them the same night, I think we're screwed. I know that sounds silly, but I've had dreams come true before or even be warnings. It's weird I know, but oh well, I've learned to deal with it.

I have to get off of here by 1 am. Rod's rule. I think it's stupid that I have to, but whatever. Hopefully Monday I'll have a better job and we can move into the two bedroom apartment downstairs. I can't keep sharing a room with my mom.

Kim's moving to wisconsin with her sister, her sister's fiance, and her mother. Guess who's paying all the bills with her social security? You guessed right, if you said Kim. Before her sister was all pissed off because Kim was getting social security and food stamps. Now that's it benefitting Amanda though, Amanda is alright with it though.

I can't convince Kim to stay. She's listening to her sister and her mother. If Kim said she didn't want to move to there, none of them would go. Kim isn't even allowed to get a job until a year after they move there, and her sister was saying all of kim's furniture and stuff might have to be left here and just gotten rid of. Kim has to give up her $700 bed to her sister and her sister's fiance because her mom refuses to give up her bed. Kim just bought that bed this earlier this year. Amanda doesn't let Kim drive her own car!!

I hate seeing Kim being taken advantage of like that, but she won't listen to me! I know all she wants is her family's attention and approval, but this isn't the way to do it! All I want is my family's approval, but I know I'll never get it. None of them approve of my dreams. My stepdad thinks I'm not planning everything out right. "YOu know it's expensive to live in California" "If something happens we can't get you back here to ohio." THAT IS THE POINT!!!

I don't want to live in Ohio anymore! I want out, I hate it here. I have it figured out! I won't even be starting school until year after I move out there and I have a job! I'm not even considering the move until another two years here in Ohio, So I can work and save money!

I also will never get my family's approval, because I'm Bisexual! They can all get over it! If I like girls and guys then I like girls and guys. If I'm going to Hell for it so be it! Don't tell me what to think, or how to be, or who I am, or tha tI can't do something!

Funny thing is I wasn't talking to any of them until last year. You raised me until I was 10. Then we got put in foster care. Then try to tell me how it happened!! I know how the hell it happened, I was there, I lived it! Shut the fuck up about it! You have no idea half the stuff I went through. You still don't have a funking clue how I really feel towards you!

My mom wants me to give her grandkids in the next ten years! I'll be moving to Cali within the next two, plus a whole year of working there and getting to know the area, and then hopefully I'll be accepted into the New York Film Academy's campus there! That's two years of school ! There's five years right there. Not going to happen momma. I'll have kids when I have a husband and I know he's actually going to be there for them. And if that's 20 years from now then fucking deal with it!

 I'm going to go now diary. I've done enough ranting and letting out my feelings for one night.