A Life Less Average

thirty-two

poppy

When I asked Miss Jensen for another tutor later that afternoon, she had examined me in the same way every single teacher had that morning: with narrowed eyes and a raised eyebrow, a mixture of confusion and concern. 

I stayed back after class. She had a free period so, after running to the staffroom to make two mugs off coffee, she closed the classroom door and set up a chair opposite her desk for me to sit in. 

Normally I wouldn't have even entertained the idea of sitting opposite a teacher to discuss my feelings, but I didn't have the energy to fight back anymore. And Miss Jensen was still somewhat young. Maybe she could offer some actual insight into my adolescent boy troubles. 

Her usual see-through blouses were now accompanied by thick cardigans and fitted jumpers to combat the drop in temperature. Today, her sharp collarbones and a silver necklace were visible above the open buttons of her pink shirt. Her skin was glowing with a tan, from a sun-bed or a bottle I couldn't tell the difference, but either way she had my attention. 

I tossed my bag on the floor with a clunk and took a seat. The steam from the coffee was inviting and comforting, which I was grateful for. The last few nights had been rough and the caffeine I was constantly sipping was, quite honestly, the only reason I was still standing.                                                                  

The science classrooms were always unusually warm all year round, but today I was particularly thankful for the heat. Outside the sky was grey and a sharp wind surrounded the school. The large windows shuddered in their frames. 

"May I ask why you want to change tutors so close to the exams?" 

The Winter exams took place in the weeks after Christmas break, which was just over a week away. I had one session left with Lewis before the two week break, but even that seemed like too much. And were we supposed to continue with the tutoring after the Winter exams? I didn't know the protocol. 

I took a long, slow sip of the coffee. It was the cheap instant stuff but it tasted like heaven on earth.

"Because it's not working out with Lewis," I told her. "Is there anyone else?" 

Her fingers were long and delicate, wrapped around the ceramic mug. She had artist hands and I wondered whether she liked to draw or paint in her free time. Something about her pristine appearance told me that she didn't, but I knew that looks could be deceiving.

"Everybody's pretty tied up with it being the week before Christmas," she said, unfolding her fingers and reaching for her diary. She settled on a page and traced her fingertip down the paper until she reached a highlighted box. 

"I have Friday afternoons free, if you'd like to come and see me. But the tutors are fully booked." 

The disappointment must have shown on my face. 

"Poppy," she said. She took a deep breath and I felt her examine me. Like really examine me. And I suddenly felt very vulnerable. I knew I looked like crap, but I didn't need her to look deeper. To look beneath the tired eyes and the unwashed hair. "If you need to talk to someone, my door is always open." 

I nodded. "Thanks, Miss."

I felt obligated to stay until my mug was empty but I wasn't exactly sure how to fill the silence. Did I just blurt out my problems? Would the heaviness immediately disappear if I shared them with someone else? 

"Poppy, are you sure everything's okay?" 

Miss Jensen was leaning towards me now, her big eyes watching my every movement. I looked at her and then looked out of the window. The clouds had darkened and rain was smacking the window panes with fury. I thought of the walk home and how I would feel every single droplets of water hit my body. How I would be absolutely drenched before I got out of the school carpark. 

"Poppy." 

"I-." 

I stopped as a tear fell down my face. I quickly reached to wipe it away, as though Miss Jensen hadn't seen it, which she definitely had. 

"I just remembered I don't have an umbrella," I whispered. 

"It might pass over," she said, following my gaze to the window. You could barely see the trees on the field through the downpour. 

"I messed up," I said before I could stop myself. I needed the weight to disappear. The pressure on my heart and my chest. I needed to unload everything that had been building up. 

"What have you messed up? Your tutoring?" 

There was a look on her face that told me she knew that wasn't just it. Call it teacher's intuition or women's intuition. Call it whatever you want,  but she knew that a deeper river ran below just 'tutoring sessions'. Hell, she had practically caught us making out in her classroom a couple weeks back. 

"Yeah," I said. "And with Lewis." 

The smile that pulled on the corner of her lips told me that was the answer she was looking for. She stayed quiet, letting me form the words in my head before they left my mouth. 

"Miss, how do you know if something is worth hanging on to?" 

"I can only assume you're not talking about the tutoring sessions," she said. 

I knew I was the one who had brought it up but I couldn't stop my face from burning with embarrassment. I had never had a conversation with a teacher that went past the school's curriculum.

"Poppy, you're a bright girl. You have the entire world at your fingertips. Over the last couple of weeks you've really improved in this class and I can only assume it's because of Lewis. Whether or not that's down to his skills as a tutor, or just Lewis being Lewis, I can't say. But that boy has had an effect on you. Please don't take this the wrong way, but you've been happier in the last month than I've ever seen you. You've spoken up more in class, you've been talking to your classmates. There's just been a light about you."

I finished the coffee and set the mug down on her desk. Maybe she was right. Maybe something had changed in me over the last few weeks. I used to keep to myself in class, waiting for the bell to ring so I could leave. But lately I'd found my hand raised to questions I knew the answer to, or sharing gossip with the people sat around me.

"I can't tell you if something is worth hanging on to. You'll just feel it. Deep inside you." 

The rain suddenly eased up. The wind continued to howl around the building, but I could handle the breeze. At least I wouldn't have to walk home in the downpour. 

"In my professional opinion," she said leaning onto her desk, "I would say you're weeks away from your Winter exams. Buckle down and get revising. These exams are important. Don't lose focus on what's important." 

The final bell rang and chairs in the classrooms around us began to scrape as kids rushed to pack away their books and pencil cases. I took that as my cue to leave. I grabbed my backpack off the floor and let it dangle loosely in my hand. 

"Thanks miss."

"I'm always here, Poppy." 

She had started to clear up her desk, tapping paper nearly into stacks and placing things in the drawers beneath it. 

I hurried down the corridor before the younger students started to swarm around me and out through the main doors. 

Miss Jensen had told me to focus on what was important, and in the grand scheme of things, my biology exam wasn't important. I wasn't going to be some big scientist. Hell, I wasn't even going to university. I didn't need to pass my biology exam, although with the tutoring sessions and the help of Lewis, I probably would. 

What was important right now was my relationships. With my friends and with Lewis. 

I stopped outside the Sixth Form building and  pulled my phone out. I quickly replied to Faye's message before finding Lewis's number and pressing call. 

I stood there with with the wind pulling on my oversized hoodie, a trickle of rain falling around me. The call immediately went dead. His phone was off. 

My heart sank. I thought about calling Faye and asking her to meet me, but something stopped me. I didn't need Faye telling me I was wrong, telling me how great Lewis was, that I had messed up. 

I needed something else.