She stormed up to his door, Zac chasing behind her. He had tried to talk her out of it the whole car ride, but she didn't listen.
Hayley banged loudly on the door in front of her, not having planned out what she wanted to say at all.
"Hayley, please. He can't be dealing with this right now—" Zac only had good intentions, but Hayley was crushing any good around her.
"Oh, he can't?" She quickly responded. "He broke up with me, totally out of the blue, didn't give me a proper reason, avoided me for weeks, then gave me one text which confused me so much more, and somehow he's the victim in this?" The door slowly opened but Hayley didn't hesitate to push her way in to confront him.
"I don't understand!" She impulsively shouted. "Why are you treating me like this?! What did I do?!" Taylor stared emptily at her, which infuriated her more.
"Please, just give me something! I just need an explanation...please!" She sat down on his sofa and tried to stop the incoming tears. "Please, just stop ignoring me for one minute, just explain," He could see how much she was hurting, and he began to think maybe letting her go caused worse pain that holding on would have. The problem was, his bad thoughts just kept demanding to be heard, and he wasn't very good at fighting back.
He tried to remember when he had first done it, the guilt and regret that came over him, but he knew it was for the best. She would get over this break up because there was just no way she could love him.
If not even his own father could love him, then how could some girl?
"I..." Taylor didn't know what he intended to say. There was so little going through his head, so he don't know why he had bothered starting.
"I need to be alone," Taylor knew how he meant this. He knew that he meant he didn't deserve any good people around him and that he was destined to be alone, so why not get on with it now?
They both took this the wrong way though. Zac assumed he meant he needed space, which Zac was happy to give, but he wasn't sure who it was directed at.
"You've had fucking space! None of us have said a word when you haven't shown up for practice when we have a show in 6 days!" Taylor tried to care. He cared when he got out of bed this morning, so why didn't he care now?
All the emotions had left his mind and body. No regret, no caring, no happiness or sadness, just nothing.
"Taylor..." Taylor began to walk towards his stairs but Hayley caught his arm, something he thought she knew was one of his trigger points. Or maybe she didn't.
Either way, Taylor pushed her away, doing anything and everything to not show his weakness to them.
"I need to be alone!" He shouted suddenly. "Not just now, forever! I want you both gone!" He ran up the stairs, leaving them both in silence.
Although Taylor had done many years of therapy over the topic, his childhood trauma hadn't seemed to effect him as much as he said it did until now. He didn't know why that was, but it was just how things were. Maybe it was his unloving feelings towards himself that took him back to his father's unloving actions.
Taylor's dad didn't hit him or his siblings often, his mother took most of it, but some moments just stuck out in his mind. When his dad would take him and his older brother out for 'car rides', but would actually leave them in the car or the park while he went in and did drugs with his friends.
That time his older brother watched their dad throw a television at their mum, Taylor cowered on the stairs, but he knew he had to put his younger brother before him, the little 3 year old who was screaming in his bed. Then the immense fear of his dad chasing his brother up the stairs while he was on the phone to the police. While all this effected him, it seemed it wasn't any of these times that hit the hardest. It was the time when his dad and mum were arguing (not an uncommon thing for them to do), and his dad threw a vase at the floor, right next to Taylor, who was wearing shorts and no socks, meaning the glass was all stuck in his legs and blood was trickling out.
He had to sit on the sofa and very nonchalantly pick each tiny shard out, neither of his siblings bothering to help, until his mum came out and held the tissue on his leg to stop the bleeding. She didn't say anything, just sat in silence.
It could've been worse, he thought. Other people have had worse families and he shouldn't dawn over his own misfortune, but it kept ringing through his head. Why didn't my dad love us?
He'd been feeling especially sensitive over the subject, and that along with how uncomfortable he felt in his body led to him asking Hayley not to touch him as much. Not sexual, just be a bit more careful with hugs and hand holding. That was when he cared enough to save his relationships. He just wanted everyone away from him now.
Zac and Hayley were still left downstairs, standing in silence, not sure whether to leave or follow him.
"Nice fucking job," Zac said sarcastically, turning away from Hayley. "Cancel the show. It's not happening,"
He left with that, leaving Hayley in a house she used to love coming to. She tried to think of what to do, but she truly had no solution. She stayed another 10 minutes, hoping Taylor would come down and tell her he loved her, but that never happened.
Feeling pain isn't usually a decision, and in this case, it definitely wasn't. Suppressing it though was always an option, and that's what Hayley was going to. She left the house, repeating to herself "I will not feel this pain." And she planned to stick by that, no matter what happened.
