The Spencer Letters

Letter 1.

It was weird, you know? This is not how I expected to reunite with him after so long. It's not normal for someone to move away and not come back at all for three whole years, not even to spend Christmas with the family. I always thought that was going to be the first thing out of Harry's mouth when I'd see him again, question why I never came back.

Instead, the first thing he said to me when I saw him in the hallway of the Intensive Care Unit and run into his long and strong arms was "thank God you're here!" As if he was relieved I was there. Like I would've wanted to be anywhere else but here with him, cheering on you, together, as always!

It's always been the three of us together. Nothing will ever change that.

While I was holding him, I felt a sense of relief. It was like finally reaching the surface after drowning for a long time. Maybe that's what I've been doing for three years: drowning without him near.

I took a deep breath and his scent brought me home. I wasn't fully here until I smelled his perfume and I rejoiced in the familiarity of it. Then I remembered why I was here, and I felt emptiness. It was a realization that no matter how safe I feel in Harry's arms, he would never be able to fill the emptiness you'd leave in me if you... go.

(I still can't bring myself to say the D word).

I cried in your brother's shoulder until the sound of someone coughing pulled me out of the comfortable state I had fallen in. I sensed a set of eyes on us with such power that I had to break the embrace to see who was witnessing that moment between Harry and I so closely and so intently.

...This is also not how I wanted to meet Stephanie.

Meeting Harry's girlfriend for the first time was something I had planned in my head a million times over the last two years since they got together. I had thought of what to say, and how to act and tried to prepare myself for every possible reaction she could have to me.

But none of that mattered when it finally happened. I reluctantly took a step away from Harry and I saw her there, leaning against the wall, at a close distance, with her scrubs on, eyes fixated on me, no expression on her face. No reaction, other than staring.

I was so worried about your condition and Harry was so focused on not missing any details, that we both forgot formalities and her presence wasn't acknowledged until I couldn't take one more minute of her incessant stares and asked Harry to remember for a minute how to be a gentleman and properly introduced me to his girlfriend.

"Sure, of course! I don't know where my head is" he excused himself. "LJ, this is Stephanie. Steph, this is Laurel." He set up the scene for us to cordially shake hands and share "nice to meet yous", but apparently my body had ideas of its own that it didn't bother to communicate to my brain in advance. I don't know what came over me, but instead of shaking her hand, I hugged her.

"I know all you're doing for Spencer. Thank you, thank you, thank you." I'm pretty sure I confused them both. Harry smiled, but she just didn't know what to do.

"We all love Spencer, of course I'd do whatever is in my power to get him back to us." That sounded like a pretty normal response, and a nice one, too. Yet, I couldn't shake the feeling that she had said it with a different intention than what her words were expressing.

Of course Harry had to date the most perfect girl in town after I left! And of course she had to be an ER nurse and be the one taking care of my best friend at the most critical of times! It's just perfect, all I need right now is to feel guilty for having one more reason to be jealous of her!

But as hard as it might have been to reunite with Harry in front of his girlfriend, and having to meet her under these circumstances, that's not the worst part. The worst was seeing your mom.

When Harry went to get her from your room, and she walked up to me, I thought she looked like she had been the one involved in an accident. Her face was so swollen from crying so much and her eyes so red, what little makeup she had on the day before when it all happened had smeared, and her dark hair was a mess in the shape of a black cloud. She just looked so un-Anne-like! It broke my heart even more. I had never seen your mother with one hair out of place, and the only way I had to tell that was actually her was through her voice and her warmth.

"My darling! Thank you so much for being here!" She hugged me so hard I couldn't help but to break down (again) in her arms this time.

"There's nowhere else I'd rather be than right here with my brother." She knew that, I didn't have to say it.

It's been thirty-nine hours since I got here and I'm still not allowed to see you. The doctors are limiting your visits, so only your mom and Harry are going inside the room. That's driving me crazy! Harry has described how fragile you look connected to many tubes and cables, and how your face is so scratched up it's hard to recognize you. But I need to see it for myself. I need to be able to speak to you. I need to be able to say goodbye, in case you decide to give up this fight.

Please, don't. Giving up is not in you.

I love you with all my heart, little brother.

Stay.

Laurel.

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Hello!

What are you guys thinking of the story so far?
I'm loving all your comments, I had missed you!

In these difficult (and strange) times we're living, I hope you're all doing well and staying safe.

I love you all!

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