Insanity why are you my Clarity?

CHAPTER 34 (He ruined me)

"I want him out of my face, mom. I nearly died and I guess it's time to break away from him. I can't see him again or else hindi ko na alam kung anong mangyayari. I hate him too much but I love him too much as well. Ang hirap! Ayoko na, pero bakit mahal na mahal ko pa rin siya? Why does it have to be him? Why does it have to be someone who doesn't love me back?" I hugged my pillow as I try to regain my sanity.

Wala na yatang natitirang katinuan sa akin. All I think about is him and only him, pa'no na 'to? Am I dying insane because of a man I can never have? He got this strong hold on me that I can't break and this time I'll make sure there nowhere to grab.

"I want to fix things, Aly; talk to him and I want you to be open this time. I know you're emotionally and physically hurt but please try it. I hope you try."

"No! Ma, ako ang anak mo! You need to listen to my feelings! Ako na ang nasaktan pero ako pa rin ang iintindi?! Oh sh*t! Ma, wala na ang Aly na dating mabait at understanding! He killed Aly, ma. He killed that one person who loves him more than her life. I'm sorry, but hysteria will be friends with him." I looked away and I saw how shocked my mom with how I behaved.

"Oo, anak kita! Seeing you this horrible isn't worth to watch. Mahal na mahal kita, Aly pero nakakadisappoint ka. Your dad will never be proud of this hatred. Alam kong nasaktan ka, pero give him the chance to tell you... something. Kung pagkatapos ng pag-uusap niyo eh ayaw mo pa rin, at least pinagbigyan mo ang tao."

I can't believe that she won't try understanding what I am feeling deep inside. I can feel a hole inside that keeps on getting larger. I can't breathe. I can't think straight and I can't think of anything that I can do to ease the pain.

"This is confusing! You should be on my side! You should know things that I feel and with you going against me makes me feel more dazed. Ikaw ang nanay ko pero hindi mo ako maintindihan. You knew how crazy I was and how I went downward spiral pero pinipilit mo akong makipag-ayos. That guy doesn't love me, and all he did is to put a hold on me that I can't seem to break." Gusto kong maglupasay sa sobrang galit at inis.

"I will always be on your side. I am your mother, kaya nga maniwala ka muna sa akin. If you don't like the outcome, okay lang. Basta sinubukan mo at hindi 'yung pinalagpas mo ang pagkakataon. Please, anak. Spare him the judgment and hear him out." I can't believe this. Ano ang nangyayari at bakit pinapanigan ni mommy ang lalaking 'yun. He wasted my pure love, kaya dapat lang sa kanya 'yan. He ruined me.

Now my mother wants me to forgive a man I thought will love me. Nagkamali ako nang ibigay ko sa kanya ang lahat. Now I understand why I should've just let myself hide these damn feelings. Pinahamak lang ako ng nararamdaman ko.

"Hindi ko kaya, mommy. Hindi ko kayang... makita siya ulit. Pakiramdam ko bumababa ang moral ko bilang tao kung makikita ko pa siya. He ruined everything for me, and now patatawari ko pa? Hindi niya deserve ang kapatawaran ko. Let me be, please."

"Rest now, Aly. You need more rest." Then she left.

I guess I won't be seeing Alyssa, mom. I guess she's dead and gone.

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"Ayaw mo ba talagang makita ang kuya ko? He's really worried about you. 'Di mo baa lam na halos mabaliw na si kuya kakaisip sa 'yo? Kausapin mo naman si kuya, Aly. He's been drinking a lot. One week ka na niyang iniiyakan at pinagpupuyatan. Spare him the pain, please?" Tumayo ako at hinarap siya. I feel raged knowing she's siding with his devil of a brother.

"Nakalimot ka yata ng mga ginawa sa akin ng kapatid mo? Oh, nakalimutan ko nga palang blood is thicker than water, so maamang kay Christian ka kampi. Just go, Althea Marie. Hindi mo ako maiintindihan kasi 'di ka naman ginawang basahan ni Sir Migs. He loves and adores you! Ako, ginawa lang pampalipas oras! I feel dirty. What about me?"

"My brother made a mistake, and yes, he's a monster. Tao lang siya nagkamali. There are things you need to know but he's the only one who can give it you. I am not entitled to give you the details. Bigyan mo siya ng chance, Aly. Ipapaintindi niya, maniwala ka sa akin."

"No! I can't!"

"Please, Aly." Lumuhod siya sa harapan ko habang umiiyak. I never pictured Althea Marie and I in a teleserye setup. I guess nagbabago ang lahat. Nakakatawang isipin na hindi pala ako naiintindihan ng best friend ko. Akala ko sa lahat ng tao siya ang makakaintindi sa akin.

"Naalala mo ba 'yung inaway ni kuya lahat ng nambabastos sa'yo? 'Yung panahon na... galit nag alit ang parents namin sa kanya kasi first time naming nakitang nakipag-away siya? You're that important to him, Aly. Mahal ka ng kuya ko, believe me." Althea Marie suddenly said.

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"Mommy ginago niya si Aly! Sino ba naman matinong lalaki ang sasabihan ang isang babae na... gusto niyang makipag... ganun sa kanya! Ang bastos niya! I just want to beat the sh*t out of him para matauhan! He deserved that pain, ma!" Sinampal ni tita si Christian sa mukha habang ako umiiyak. It's the first time he did something to upset his parents.

"Alam ko! Pero ang halos patayin na ang kawawang bata na 'yon ay mali. You almost broke all of his ribs, buti na lang may witness na bastos ang lalaking 'yun or else makukulong ka! I know na pinoprotektahan mo si Aly, pero nasobrahan mo naman." His dad is too disappointed. Nakayakap sa akin si Althea Marie habang pinupunasan ang luha ko.

"Pasensya na po... tita. Kasalanan ko po kung bakit napagulo si Chris. Kasi naman po matagal na akong binabastos ng kaklase ko na 'yun. I'm sorry tita, sorry po talaga. 'Wag na po kayo magalit kay Christian. He defended me... kaso napasobra po ang ginawa niya. I know he's done it abit... rougher than what it supposed to be, but still he defended me." He looked at me in the eyes that made my heart jum. Pakiramdam ko ako ang mawawalan ng ribs kasi nagwawala ang puso kosa kaba.

"It's not your fault, okay? Nagulat lang kami, hija." Tita hugged me and I know she's not going to punish Christian.

"Thanks tita... and thanks Christian." Ngumiti siya sa akin at lumabas na ako ng bahay nila.

Kinikilig na ewan. Pakiramdam ko siya ang Knight in shining armor ko. I guess my feeling for him are real after all. Akala ko puppy love lang kasi nga High school lang ako pero hindi eh, may kakaiba sa feelings ko. Sasabog na ang puso ko eh nakangiti pa lang siya. Tama ba 'yun? Pakiramdam ko mali pero... ah ewan! Basta alam kong hindi lang ito basta crush. Matindi ang feelings ko.

Pag-uwi ko ng bahay, alam kong alam na ni mommy ang nangyari dahil naitimbre na malamang ng madaldal na si Althea Marie ang nangyari. She's grinning at me na para bang nahuhulaan ko na ang gusto niyang ipahiwatig.

"Aminin mo anak, kinilig ka"? Tumatawang salubong sa akin ni mommy. Nakakahiya man pero alam na niya na may crush ako kay Christian. Matagal na pala niyang alam pero syempre discreet siya.

"Oo... naman mommy. Imagine halos malumpo niya si Luther, mommy. Ang bastos naman kasi niya eh high school pa lang kami. Buti na lang si Christian ang sumundo kay Althea Marie kaya nakita niya ako. He's really my prince charming."

"Ang anak ko, dalaga na. You're blushing."

"I know ma, I know."

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"No, I'm sorry Althea Marie. Go away. Go away!" Tinulak ko siya palabas ng kwarto at ini-lock ang pinto. Hindi ko alam kung anon a ang nagyayari sa akin. I feel selfish pero hindi ko mapigilan mainis. Oo, naiinis ako at sa tuwing naiinis ako, hindi ko mawala sa isip ko na mahal ko siya pero ginago niya ako.

Ang inosente kong mukha ngayon ay puro gasgas, pasa at sugat. Pakiramdam ko nawala na ang ako na minahal ng mga magulang ko at ni kuya. Pakiramdam ko, unti-unti na akong nahulog sa galit. I think it's only fair to be mad. Kasalanan naman niya kasi ang lahat. Kung sana dati pa niya ako pinakawalan, pero hindi niya ginawa. He decided to let me suffer. He wants me suffering.

Kung mahal niya ako eh 'di sana hindi niya ako sinaktan... eh 'di sana kami na ngayon. I would like to spend the rest of my life loving him, pero wala eh ginago ako.