Insanity why are you my Clarity?

CHAPTER 37 (Way back into love)

“H-ha?” I looked at Christian with wondering eyes and I felt nervous. Si Althea Marie ay nagulat din at napatigil sa pagkain niya ng salad. Christian is still standing with his eyes locked on mine. He’s in love with me? Is that for real? Nanatili akong nakatingin sa kanya at ang kamay niya ay mahigpit na nakahawak sa akin at nanginginig. He’s nervous and this really confirms na… mahal niya ako. The man I’ve been dreaming for all these years loves me.

“Yes. I love you too much, Aly that it makes me unable to breathe. Hindi ka pa nga yata nagkakamentruation eh mahal na mahal na kita na tipong kahit ako nandidiri na sarili ko kasi feeling pedophilia ang ginagawa ko! Yes, I love you too much that I sent that exboyfriend of yours in the hospital with three broken ribs! I love you too much that I… cried too much when I hurt you because I’m doing a huge favor for a friend who needs my support kasi ‘pag wala siyang naipresent na boyfriend eh forfeited na ang inheritance niya.” He paused to wipe his tears.

“ I’m sorry, Alyssa. I’m sorry that I feel so stupid right now kasi hiyang-hiya ako sa sarili ko. Hiyang-hiya ako na sana inamin ko na lang sa’yo para ‘di ka na nasaktan. I love you too much that I am willing to risk everything just to be with you, kahit na kidnapin pa kita at dalhin sa isang isla para lang magkasama tayo.”

His tears are overflowing onto his face like droplets of rain expressing pan and sadness. I felt his tears dropping on my hands. I can feel his pain and I feel like choking with too much information right now.

“W-what? A-are… okay this is too much information. This is too hard to digest, Christian. You know I’ve been through a lot because I love you too much. I love you… still, Christian Alexis Falcon. Mahal na mahal pa rin kita kahit unti-unti akong nababaliw dahil sayo.” He faced me with his hands on a firm grip with his table napkin.

“Sis, iwanan mo muna kami.” Then Althea Marie stood up and smiled at me.

“Sure, dear brother. Alagaan mo ‘yan. Best friends kami niyan or else ipapacastrate kita kay daddy.” She laughed and quickly walked out of the scene. Kinabahan ako dahil alam kong nakatitig pa rin siya sa akin. He’s staring at my hair, my face, my necklace… basta lahat! Kinakabahan ako dahil pakiramdam ko mahuhulog na naman ang puso ko hanggang ground floor.

“I’ve been the craziest man alive since you reached puberty, Aly. Sobrang nababaliw ako. I’m trying to defy gravity everytime you smile at me or even while talking to me. Basta matindi. I can’t seem to notice how much people know about my feelings for you. Sinasabi ng lahat ng tao na dense ka masyado because I love you too much but… no. I just think that maybe hindi mo nga lang talaga ako mahal kaya ini-ignore mo. That’s when Miranda came with Nathaniel in the picture to give me long-time proposition.” I gave him a nervous look and he shook his head.

“Please, ‘wag kang kabahan. Fell free to talk to me just like the old times, kasi kung hindi mas mababaliw ako Aly. Miss na miss ko na ang mga tawa at hirit mo. I miss how classy you eat you meals. I miss how much time you spend at our home just to chat with me and Thea. I missed all parts of your bodice that you haunt my dreams every night, Aly. I have lucid dreams, Aly. My imagination goes wild and colorful kapag nasa picture ka. Please… I’m begging you with all my life to just come back to me and love me again. Hindi ko na alam kung anong mangyayari sa akin kung tatanggi ka.”

He began to cry again, and this time it’s beginning to depress me. Sobrang lungkot ng boses niya ang for a man to cry in front of a girl is way too… brave. Narealize ko na ang tunay na lalaki ay umiiyak. A real man needs to express his feelings. No one’s stone-hearted. Lahat tayo ay may nararamdaman. Lahat tayo ay sumasaya ang lumulungkot. Lahat tayo ay nasaktan at nagmahal.

“I loved you since you were still fifteen, Aly. Nakakadiri mang isipin pero mahal na mahal na kita kahit ‘di ka pa dalaga. I really believe that my love for you is worth fighting for. Pinipigilan na ako ng parents ko pero wala eh, mahal na mahal kita. You don’t know how crazy I was when I started loving you. I began to be stalker and a fvcking lunatic! Nakakahiya nang sobra pero totoo.”

“Fifteen? Ako mahal na kita twelve pa lang ako, Christian. Mahal na mahal na kita agad na kahit sinabi na ng mommy ko na imposible daw iyon kasi noong twelve ako eh nineteen ka na. Girlfriend mo na noon si Michelle.” Huminga ako ng malalim.

“‘Di ko ‘yun makakalimutan kasi ‘yun ang first heartbreak ko. Nung naging kayo ni Fiona, naging second heartbreak ko naman iyon. Tapos… nung naging kayo ni Miranda, iyon ang third heartbreak ko na feeling ko pinulbos ang puso ko. I really love you, and yet hindi kita maabot-abot. Mahirap ka kasing abutin, Christian. I feel helpless and hopeless at the same time. Iniisip ko pa lang na permanente ka nang mawawala eh parang ikakamatay ko na. Grabe ang iyak ko noon.” I wiped my tears and I saw how sorry he is right now.

“Pinigilan na ako ni mommy na mahalin ka, pero in the end sinuway ko siya because that’s how much you mean to me. You mean so much that I am willing to take the risk. Mahal na mahal kita kaya pakiramdam ko my heart was broken to pieces a million times. Buti na lang ‘di nakakamatay ang heartbreak… sasakyan pala ang makakapatay.” I giggled and his expression hardened.

“I am not blaming you for my accident. I actually blame you for all the heartbreak I felt that I am not sure if I am still willing to take the risk. I know we’ve both gone too far but right now, I’m still healing. I’m still resting, Christian Alexis. I need a break. I need to take off the strain from my heart and give it a break, but that doesn’t mean I’ll stop loving you. I am still madly in love with you afterall.”

He’s still tearing up. “But I don’t want you to fall out of love with me… hindi ko kakayanin. Aly, hindi ko kaya. I’ll go insane or I’ll probably die. I am to crazy for you, baby. I love you so much… and please don’t stay away from me. Hindi ko na alam ang magagawa ko kung mawawala ka ulit. Don’t disapper from my life ever again, please? My life depends on you; if you leave, I’d die.” He held my hand and I felt the grip too tight. Nanginginig ang mga kamay niya at nanlalamig.

I am affecting him this much? SIguro sa puntong ko nga lang talaga narealize na may gusto nga siya sa akin. He really loves me at ngayon ko pa lang naiintindihan. He loves me so much at ngayon kinakabahan siya nang sobra-sobra.

“I can’t promise you anything, Christian. Hindi ko kayang ipanatag ang loob mo na babalik ako sayo. Naguguluhan pa rin ako pero I’m healing. I just have lots of things to figure out myself at kung dadating ang tamang panahon, I’ll come back to you as soon as possible. I will love you forever, Christian. I can’t just go back to you knowing I am still broken. Ayokong mahalin ka ng kulang ako. “ He cried again. I made the man I love cry twice for an hour.

“I know. I’m sorry. I want you still, baby. I want you so much that I’m willing to wait kahit gaano katagal. Just promise me you’ll come back and I’ll be waiting. Smile and please ayokong umiiyak ka. I don’t want to stress you over with my persistence and insanity. Basta, hihintayin kita without any guarantee from you of ever coming back. Basta alam kong mahal mo ako, okay na.” He reached for my face and gently wiped my tears.

 I felt his cold fingers against my wet cheeks. Nanlalambot ang tuhod ko pakiramdam ko, kinukuryente ako. The intense feelings are coming back. Pakiramdam ko, magpa-palpitate ako sa kaba at sa mied emotions. My head is starting to remember all the things we shared… especially the most intimate ones. He sees through my soul at alam kong nararamdaman niyang nanlalambot at dahil sa kanya. He’s the sole reason why I am still hopelessly existing. SIya lang dapat ang akin.

“I love you, still but this time… I just need to find my way back into love.” He smiled and wiped his tears and gulped all the remaining white wine in his glass.