Love, Loss and Living

Unexpected Crisis Chapter 14

Tina nodded her head and sat in thought for a few minutes.  "I was over at Bette's home recently.  It's hard to believe I actually helped pick out that home."  Tina shook her head.  "Anyways, I found some boxes that Bette had been using to sort through things."  Tina paused, "She was packing me up."  Tina chuckled. 

"What did you expect from her? You told her you were getting remarried. Her doing that is healthy, she is trying to move on."

"I'm not sure.  I guess... I always thought I would be a part of her life even while married to Carrie.  With Angie, well, I never really thought of Bette as gone.  I'm not really sure what I thought, being put away was definitely not what I saw happening.  But when I saw what she was doing, I really can't explain what I felt," Tina paused and took a sip of her water.  "I took a couple things from the boxes, there was this picture. Bette was very talented with a camera, something she got away from years ago... hmm, not really sure why." The look in Tina's eyes shifted ever so slightly, but Dr. Cron caught it and wrote something on her pad. "Anyways, while I was looking through the stuff, I realized I left without taking anything from the time we were together.  Things were not always bad..."

"They never are.  You two were together a long time, growing apart from each other is something that happens over time.  It can be the result of the most simple and smallest decisions you make everyday added to a multitude of responsibilities and obligations that take your focus off the little things. In the end there becomes an emotional disconnect from each other." 

"I just don't understand how I could have walked away the way I did," Tina's wiped her eyes. "There were problems, yes, the emotional disconnect was enormous."  Tina paused, "I don't know, I was just mean and have been towards Bette for awhile. Somewhere along the line, I just started being mad at her and all of her distinctive behaviors that made up her larger than life personality became to much for me. But the worst part was," Tina paused, "Those behaviors are the same ones that drew me to her in the first place. When I first met Bette, my first impressions of her were, wow, she's a tour de force, very intense, passionate, driven and true to her convictions.  She was charismatic and sexy as hell.  My attraction to her was instantaneous and I didn't even think of myself as a Lesbian at the time."  Tina chuckled.

"What was it about those characteristics that you just mentioned bothered you?"

"I don't know, when I think about it, I always come back to just losing my autonomy, my sense of self in my efforts to be responsive and supportive to her needs. Don't get me wrong, she never made demands on me in that way. It's just, well, she didn't mean it, but she took up so much space in our relationship. Bette always knew what she wanted and I guess I didn't and it was hard to figure it out when she was around." Tina looked down falling deep in thought. "I just don't know. This is so hard to sort out without getting emotional." Tina sat for quite a long period in thought about these issues and finally just sighed while she grabbed eye contact with Dr. Cron.

"Why don't we change the subject.  This is a very complicated and emotional issue for you. There is a lot going on right now.  Why don't we let this breath a bit and we will come back to it."  Dr. Cron suggested.

Tina nodded in agreement and took another sip from her water bottle.

"Earlier you mentioned Angie.  How are you feeling about your relationship with her?" 

"I think it's improving.  I really missed her and the closeness. There is just something about the bond with your child. I was fearful that I may have damaged it. We still need work, but we are definitely moving in the right direction. Angie may be my child by birth, but she is so like Bette that it is scary sometimes." Tina smiled, "There is definitely something to be said about how a parent can leave an imprint on their child." Tina pauses as she reflected, "Anyways, I was hoping that I wasn't going to have to do any real parenting for awhile, but she's a teenager.  You never know what is going to happen with them."