A Place With No Name (revamped)

.9

My eyes dropped down to my lap. Lately, I haven't had a clue of what's going through my mind. Everything was just a big fog. I didn't know how to feel or what to say about certain things. It's gotten worse since taking my pills.

So what do I say in response to a question like that?

"...I'm fine."

She smacked her lips and proceeded to toss my pillow back at me. I let the soft cushion hit my face before it fell to my lap. "You know that I don't believe that bullshit, Ana. I can see that everything's not fine."

"So why ask?" I wanted to say, but I just stared at her awaiting face.

I wanted so badly to tell her everything. How I feel, what I feel, but I just didn't know where to start. I also didn't want to burden her with my problems so the best option for me was to suffer in silence.

So without another ounce of hesitation, I mustered up the most believable, convincing smile I could do and said in the most chippiest tone: "I swear I'm fine, Semaij. I've never been better."

"Mmmm." She hummed half convinced. But to my luck, she left it at that and said no more about it.

The subject was changed, and we went back into the two goofy friends we were known to be. It felt good to laugh for once, even if it was fake.

But sometimes you have to fake it until you make it.

Later that night, I sat in bed writing in my journal while the nightly news played at a medium tone. It was odd of how I could concentrate on writing while an ounce of noise surrounded me.

Ana's Diary April 30th, 1991

Why was it so hard to tell someone how I felt?

I choked and my words were stuck in my throat once again during Semaij's monthly mental health check. You had one job, Annalisa. Thanks for fucking up again.

No one understands me though. So why would I waste my breath telling Semaij what I always told her? "I'm sad." "I'm depressed." "I want to die." "I don't belong on this Earth." I'm tired of it.

She asked me the same thing in hopes that something would change, but will it ever?

Will I be happy someday?

What did I need to do to have it?

Did I have to get on my knees and beg, huh?

What. Is. It???

My soul needs saving - I know that - but who could save it?

Who could save me?

- Ana 💋

*****

Los Angeles, California

Michael Jackson -- July 26th, 1991
Location: 4828 Crenshaw Blvd, Community Youth Sports & Arts Foundation