Pervade and Faint

Chapter 28

     

Even the blank white clouds had a beauty of their own. Silhouettes of the water and clouds intermingled. After a long and deep sleep, I admired the scene from the window. My left check was hardly pressed against the window, which was freezing. Except the window, the plane was comfortable and warm. The ride itself, fortunately, remained untainted. My first stop was at Istanbul. It was a brief stay which lasted for only three hours. But unfortunately, I didn't get a chance of see sighting, due to the fact that I was circumscribed in the airport. A small issue, related to my bag took place and I wasn't allowed to exit the airport and explore. The bag overweighed by merely half a pound. I was amazed because the previous airport had not a single problem related to my bag. But the Airline rules and restrictions of Istanbul settled in and I had to pay some money to get my tail out. I called dad just to let him know about my whereabouts. I even called him the day I booked my ticket, back at Harvard. We had a long conversation. Surprisingly, he wasn't mad at me. As a matter of fact, he confessed that he really missed me and he wanted me to come back. I told him that I had booked my flight. There was so much to talk about, but we left that for later.
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Cindy packed my bag and I was extremely thankful for her generosity. A border formed between my relationship with Cindy, after I told her about Sophia. I knew that I shouldn't have cheated at the first place. And afterwards, I felt sorry for her. But there was nothing to say by that time. Tyrese was also mad at me for cheating with Cindy. When he noticed that Cindy was sad and broken, he tried his best to cheer her up. He applied his clown techniques and credentials and tried to create a gleeful atmosphere between us. But the grief was settled permanently for her. Her words and face expression proved much.

As I sat in the plane, thinking of Cindy, Tyrese and the university, I realized that I really missed them. But there was no way that I was going to walk backwards. There was a whole lot in front of me. Sophia, according to dad, got married. But dad hesitated when I asked him about her. My heart really broke when I heard that Sophia got married. At first, I couldn't believe it. And when dad told me it himself, an avalanche of grief settled on me. I couldn't sleep for quite a long time. I asked dad who she got married to and he said
"You won't understand", and hung up the phone.
And it occurred to me that I probably might not, actually understand. Understand, nor believe.

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When the rubber of the airplanes tires met the runway of the Lahore airport, a conundrum took place in the plane. People stood up and greeted each other, barely before the plane had ceased. The air hostesses were on their best efforts. They tried to gratify the shambolic passengers, but the chaos dominated their gratification. The passengers congratulated each other. All of them seemed to be extremely happy. Not even a faux smile formed on my face. And how would it possibly form? I lost my mother and love. The possibilities of smiling were dormant.

It took me a short amount of time to find my bag. I called dad right after. He picked up and told me that uncle Qurashi would be in a minute. I wasn't anticipating uncle Qurashi to pick me up.

Just as dad said, uncle Qurashi arrived after a minute or so. He had the same old car. He stepped out of the car when he saw me.
"How long have you been waiting?" he asked and we simply shook hands. I wasn't really expecting us to embrace. And fortunate for me that we didn't.
"Few minutes", I answered and put my bag in the trunk. I sat in the passengers seat, extremely irritated. I realized that he didn't even say hello, or anything. But it didn't matter much for me. His seatbelt remained unbuckled and the precautionary alarm of the seatbelt went on unceasingly. I looked out of the window, just to get myself distracted. After a few minutes, I thought that I should ask about Sophia.
"H _ how's Sophia?" I stammered.
He took his eyes of the wheel and they met mines. He applied the brakes harshly.
"She's good...she's good", he reiterated and smiled, enigmatically. I realized that he stopped the car because we had reached home. I got out of the car (finally) and heaved my bag out of the trunk. I caught brief glances of both homes, Sophia's and mines. Both were reflecting a peculiar sadness. Each had a bitter flavor of its own. I quickly moved my eyes away from Sophia's house because what I was in search of was probably not in there. But my house also had that same effect. With a mountain of grief and fear, I knocked at my door. When I realized that the door was never going to open with my mother in front to greet me, I twisted the doorknob myself and entered. The lights were off. There were still silhouettes of the furniture painted darkly against the blank walls due to the very last rays of the evening sun. The house offered a great loneliness. And silence. I placed my bag on the sofa and turned on a few lights. The house brightened, yet never came to life. I sat on the sofa, uncomfortably and waited for dad. His car was parked outside the house, so I knew that he was home. I took a look at the furniture. There wasn't much dust on it. I wondered whether dad cleaned the house himself, or a maid.

I heard some footsteps after a while of sitting. My heartbeat paced as the voice of the footsteps drew nearer.

Dad, with a white towel in his hand, was standing in front of the kitchen. He was wearing loose, light grey pants and a white shirt. When I looked at him carefully, my heart tore apart. A heavy grief sat on my heart. Dad's hair went from dark black to grey. The lines on his forehead even got deeper. I stood up as soon as I saw him. And so did each and every hair of my body. I gulped and my throat constricted. A dense mixture of anguish and trepidation occluded the pathway for my words.
I took a step forward and so did dad. We stared at each other for a second or so. Equivalent thoughts running in our minds. Without thinking any further, I embraced him. A large amount of grieve evaporated from my chest when his arms, frail arms, wrapped around my body. I held him for a long time. Neither one of us spoke. I remembered the time when I used to hug dad and I used to find myself vulnerable in his arms. And now, the situation was different. He felt vulnerable in my arms. He mumbled something.
"You ok?" I asked, as I broke the hug.
Dad nodded in reply and placed a hand on my shoulder.
"Hungry?" he asked.
"N-not really. I'm just...tired", I answered.
"Get some rest", he advised and patted my shoulder.
I really didn't know what to say. We've spent quite a long period of time not talking with each other, which made taking pretty awkward. There was a giant border of unspoken words between us, which was only to be rectified by a deep and candid conversation.
"Was the flight okay?" asked dad.
"Yes, it was okay", I answered, not bringing the bag problem forward. I considered it futile and ludicrous to talk about that problem. So I remained silent and left for my room.

My room was the same. Things, still things, different, but the same. The setting of my room was dormant. Everything was at its original place. There was a sadness being reflected from almost everything. I hung some of my clothes in the closet.
When I sat on my bed, I realized that I was really hungry. But I didn't want to go downstairs and disturb dad. So I let my hunger writhe for a night, along with myself.