Pervade and Faint

Chapter 20

The room trembled and quivered, as if a terrible earthquake took place. For a moment, my heart stopped beating. No, this can't be happening, I thought. It's all a fib, I told myself.

It's all a deliberate prank.

I looked up at them for a moment. Not a single eye was ready to convince my heart that it was a lie, because it wasn't a lie. My mom actually passed away. No, she didn't, I told myself, once again. But when a cold shiver passed throughout my body, I realized what it meant. My eyes closed for a second. Abundant tears disgorged from my eyes when I opened them. I tried to picture my mom, but I couldn't. It seemed as if the tears in my eyes were obliterating her image. I blanked rapidly and tears jumped from my eyes to my checks.

It's a dream. It's an execrable nightmare.

You will wake up after a while.
I stood up from my chair and fumbled. The room spun hastily. Cindy quickly grabbed me and put me back to the chair. I tried to say something, but my words couldn't make their way out of my mouth. Fear occluded the pathway for my words and they got trapped in my throat. I looked up at Mr. Turner and then at Cindy. They are about to tell you that it was all a joke.

But none of that happened.
"I'm sorry", she whispered and held my hand. I held my breath for a while, checking whether my heart was even beating or not.

I let out a scream, calling for my mom.

"I think we'll leave", said Cindy, took my hand and led us out of the room.
I didn't know where she was taking me. My mind was still paralyzed. I couldn't imagine my mom dead. Mere the thought of it passed a shiver in my body.

I was on my bed the next moment. Cindy sat beside me. I buried my face in my hands and cried. Cindy placed her hand on my back and rubbed it. Hiccups started after a few minutes of constant crying. I cried with hiccups, my chest rising and falling like a set of waves.
"I'm sorry", said Cindy, rubbing my back. But I wasn't in need of a console. I was in need of my mom, my mother, who was gone, far, far away.

_____________

Later that night, a cold fear engulfed me and I couldn't find sleep or solace at any corner of my bed. And I knew that I would definitely never find peace in my life, ever again. My peace, solace, everything was distorted. My anxiety and fear passed their limits. The horrifying night began to haunt me.
I left the room and ambled in the hall, seething with a medley of guilt and agony. I wanted to cry. But I mostly wanted to know what happened to her, and when?

I went outside and walked in the lawn. There were dew drops on the grass, at midnight. I sat on the grass and rubbed my hands on it. The sensation was natural but it didn't seem to enervate my agony. I took a deep breath and walked out of the university. I walked down the street, completely unaware of where I was headed.

As I walked down the dark and lonely street, I saw a single light, shining from the corner. I walked towards it. The tears in my eyes occluded my vision. The light was bright, yet opaque.
When I was only at the distance of a few feet from the light, a flashback of the past rushed in my mind. I've been here before, I thought. I wiped my eyes and took a better look, with an attentive and partially wet eye. It was the place from where Tyrese and I had once bought cigarettes and drinks. I walked into the store, wondering why it was open so late. A teenager was slouched in a chair. He had a large tattoo on his neck. A cigarette was fixed in his mouth. I looked around the store. There was no one to be seen, but the guy with the tattoo.
"What's up", he said and smirked.
I nodded and he rolled his eyes.
"Um _ give me some cigarettes", I ordered (I heard that they cause unconsciousness. And that's what I needed).
"Which ones?" he asked and I scrolled my eyes at the cigarettes, which were perfectly lined on the counter.
"Red and White", I said, as it was the first one I caught sight of. He gave me a box and I took one out and placed it in between my teeth, oblivious of what I was doing myself. He lit a match and brought it nigh to my face. I let him light my cigarette. It burned, leaving a vile stench and faint black smoke. I coughed and took it out of my mouth. He laughed and rolled his eyes. I took another puff. And then another. And I smoked until the entire box finished. I tried to lose consciousness via cigarettes. And I definitely did lose consciousness, but only to some extent. I really needed to lose consciousness. So I grabbed a bottle of wine and popped it open. I took a sip. It burned my mouth before it even reached my throat, as if I took a sip of melted metal. But the fire in my mouth and throat diverted my thoughts to the pain. And that's exactly what I was in need of, distraction. And the wine was perfectly performing its job. The bottle finished after a while and I was completely out of my senses. The bottle slipped from my hand and went straight to the floor. It crashed, scattering the fragments of glass on the floor. I heard the guy talking to someone in the phone.
"And he's going crazy", he said
"Yeah, the scum that you brought the other day", he said and hung up after a while. I sat in the chair and my head hurt. It was n interior concussion, and a severe one.

After about ten minutes, the door flew open and Tyrese and Cindy rushed in like a typhoon. I looked up at them. (They were moving in circles, like a merry go round. I was that drunk). Cindy saw the mess around me and covered her open mouth with both of her hands.
"Oh my god", she said and carefully stepped closer to me. She moved the pieces of glass with her shoe.
"Amir I-I know that you're going through a lot of pain. But Please Amir, please don't harm yourself. You have to be strong to cope this loss", she said. Her voice was as imbued with pain. She grabbed my arm and pulled me to my feet. Everything in front of me began to spin like a Ferris wheel, or a merry go-round. My headache suddenly gained strength. Cindy held my arm and walked me out of the store. I couldn't feel my legs. Cindy took out a twenty dollar bill from her pocket and gave it to the tattoo freak.
"Take care of it", she said and we walked towards her car. I was glad that she brought her car because my head was spinning fast, like a top.
Cindy and I sat in the back seat while Tyrese drove the car.
"Amir please don't do this again", said Cindy in my ear. Her voice hardly penetrated through my eardrum. I was hearing nothing but hallucinations. I didn't reply. Actually, I couldn't reply.

When we reached our room, Cindy placed me on my bed and I felt much better on it.
"Make sure he doesn't leave", said Cindy to Tyrese.
There was a short pause. My unconsciousness worsened and my head felt as if it would detonate at any moment.
"When did this happen?" I managed to ask.
"What?" whispered Cindy
"When did she pass away?" I asked. My own voice sounded different to my ears. It was all cracked up.
She sighed.
"Amir, you know when I called your dad the other day?" she asked. I nodded.
She sighed again, heavily.
"That day...he told me everything. He asked me why you weren't picking up their calls. Amir, he told me about your mom that day", she said and broke into a million tears. Both of us cried for a long time. A silent mood of melancholy descended on us, which emasculated my severe headache.
"He told me that your mom passed away. She passed away a week before I called", she said and gulped.
"He wanted me to tell you...Amir I was too frightened. How was I supposed to tell you that your mother passed away?" she said and burst into another ocean of tears.
"But what happened to her?" I asked.
Cindy wiped her tears with her sleeves.
"I don't know about that. He just told me that she was in her death bed. She had a heart attack and you were the last person she wanted to talk to", said Cindy and my heart tore apart like a thin piece of paper being shredded. She wanted to talk to her son. And her son never called, I thought and cried.
"It's all my fault", I said through my heavy sobs
"No! Don't say that Amir"
"It's my fault!" I yelled
"It's all my fault" I mumbled, my face stuffed into my pillow. The abominable stench of cigarettes and wine scattered on my bed, increasing my guilt.
"It's all my fault", I reiterated.
All mines.