Pervade and Faint

Chapter 21

Time is the factor that is supposed to alleviate grief and pain. Time is supposed to obliterate and cure every pain. But eternal clouds of grief settled above me ever since mom passed away. My mind couldn't think of anything but mom. I would never be able to listen to her voice. I would never be able to see her, touch her. She would never be there for me in the time of dismay. When I will be sick or in the time of distress, she won't be there. The thoughts of her death and absence stabbed my heart like a knife and she became an abstract.

I couldn't attend my mother's funeral. Mom's funeral passed by the time the news of her death reached to me. I felt left out. The guilt grabbed me like magnet. And I knew that it would be indelible.

I attended each and every lecture the day after I heard the news of mom's death. Although, reluctantly. I knew that there was nothing else to do. So I just decided to go with the flow. My mind although, didn't function properly. Yet, I still managed to sit in class for a few hours. I also gave a test. But the experience was horrible.
The depressing feelings distorted my sleep and appetite. I didn't eat anything, and a whole day was coming to pass by. The hunger reached to a level where I couldn't even feel it anymore. But I knew that I needed something to eat. So I decided to eat something for the sake of living, a meaningless life.

I was sitting in the food arena when a girl came to me. She was wearing a white button down shirt and dark blue jeans.
"Are you Amir?" she asked and I nodded.
"You're being called in the office", she said and stared at me.
"Right now?" I asked, looking at my untouched meal.
"Yes, right now", she said and told me to follow her. I wondered why they were calling me. I knew that nothing could shock me more than the news of my mother's death. So, my heartbeat didn't pick pace. Flashbacks of the previous day certainly caused pain.

I followed the girl and we reached the office after a while.
"On your own", she said and left.

I opened the door. I was almost anticipating Cindy to be sitting in the office, like the previous day. But only Mr. Turner was in the office.
"May I come in?" I asked and he nodded.
I took a seat in the same place where I had sat the previous day.
"How are you feeling now?" he asked and took off his glasses.
"Better", I replied, even though I wasn't.
"Son, I'm really sorry that you couldn't attend your mother's funeral", he said and put his glasses back on.
"A grief is meant to settle. And the grief that you're going through is inevitably inconsolable. But we are still granting you a three day leave. So...take your time and relax. Meet your father if possible", he finished.
"Three days?" I confirmed.
"Yes, three days", he confirmed.
"You can fly to your father if it suits you. But I guess that's complicated because you have to be back in three days", he said.
It was impossible to go to Pakistan, because merely the flight would have lasted for almost a complete day and I couldn't just go for a day and come back. Therefore, there wasn't any time to go to Pakistan.
"Thank you", I said and left.

I sat in my room, thinking of what I should do next and where I should go. There was no place to go except Pakistan, and resultantly, my mind and thoughts fell blank.

I went to Cindy's room to consult with her.
____________

"For three days?" she asked, almost astonished.
"Yeah, and I don't know what to do", I said. After all, I couldn't have sat idle in my room for three days.
Cindy thought about it for a while, rubbing her forehead with her thumb and pointer finger.
"You lived in New York before you left to Pakistan, right?"
"Exactly"
"Then why don't you visit your old house and friends? It'll relieve your pain to some extent at least", she suggested. I thought of it for a while and shrugged.
"Yeah that seems fine", I said, thinking about my old house and the neighborhood. I thought of going to my grandfather's grave. It was also in New York.
"So do you want to go?" she asked.
"Yeah, after all, I have three days to spend. And my grandfathers grave is also in New York ", I informed.
"So then when?" she asked, steadfast and ready.
"Tomorrow morning sounds good", I said
"How long is it going to take?" she asked
"Only a two hour drive", I said
"And I'm not going to stay no more than two hours in New York though", I added, abruptly.
"Who are you going to go with?" she asked and I knew where she was leading the conversation to.
"I don't know", I said, deliberately.
"Can I come with you?" she inquired.
"But don't you have classes?"
"It's okay", she said.
"I'll do something about it".
"Then...tomorrow morning?" I asked.
"Before first light", she confirmed.
"Cindy, I don't want you to miss classes because of_" I said and she cut me.
"It would be my privilege to go with you, okay?" she said and held my hand. After all of the pain going on in my life, her hand felt really soothing. It relieved my pain to a great extent. But I wanted Sophia to hold my hand and extrude all of the pain from me. I wanted her to be with me, instead of Cindy. I really wanted her to hold my hand. I was in need of Sophia's touch. I believed that her touch would heal me. It would fix my every broken, according to the nature and laws of reiki.