Playing With Fire and Ice ✔︎

I

She's gone.

She's safe.

A sigh leaves me.

Left all alone in my bedroom my breath gushes out in relief. Relief that she is okay. For the moment being at least.

The only person left in my life is running away from me.

This is what I deserve.

I know it is for the better but she is my mother.

My mother.

The only being left in my life is terrified of me.

I am used to being left behind by everyone else but my own mother that is a more painful type of pain.

Taking a step back my back pressed against the hot wall. I let my body slide down to the floor with all the weight of the world on my shoulders. I am slowly losing myself into the pain I pull my knees to my chest as if this is going to hold me together since I feel like I am bursting at the seams. Burying my face into my knees and wait to get myself under control.

If I can.

Life was not always this bad.

We had it all back when I was just an average teenager.

Your normal run of the mill girl.

School took up most of my time. Friends, I was never one to have many friends but I had some. Average grades. Nothing to make anyone take a second glance at.

My parents had the house of their dreams and the jobs that they loved. We were one happy family.

Paul, my little brother, would always be so happy to see me as I got home from school.

Sundays were the best days. Those were the days that we spent the entire day together. My mother and I would make breakfast for the family and then we would go out to shop or somewhere. Paul's favorite place was Sycamore Park. We would enjoy the small amount of time we had with no worries or pressures.

My mother and I moved away to keep my little brother safe.

Safe from me.

The thought that my little seven-year-old brother lives in fear that I will hurt him breaks me in so many levels. He lost his sister, best friend, and playmate all in one night.

My mother is living a miserable life stuck here with her dangerous and freak of a daughter. I know deep down that she hates being here and not with her family. I feel myself losing it again and I brace myself for another round of torture.

The sound of the second's hand on my watch still ticks loudly in my ears.

Tick, one, tick, two, tick, three, tick four, tick, five.

Oh, the irony! I pass the time by keeping track of the time.

Time is the only thing that has remained constant in my life. No matter how good or bad life is time will never seize.

Tick, one thousand twenty one give or take a few.

It has been a while since my mother left my room. I have not felt anything in some time. The kink in my neck tells me it is time to lift my head up to make sure that nothing is happening around me.

My fingers and toes are numb.

Taking a moment I listen hard for any sign that I am not in full control of myself. There is just silence. The cramp in my foot tingles painfully as I push myself off the hard floor and get to my feet.

My room is pitch black but that does not detour me since I know it well enough not to need the light. I grab hold of the doorknob, it is warm against my skin, twisting and pulling it open gently.