My Kind of Woman

13. Blush

Her eyebrows knitted down into a look I'd never seen on her; irritation. With me. But before she could say anything that matched that look, she started pushing me into the bathroom beside us. I couldn't see why until I heard Jackie's footsteps on the staircase, but even then, hiding seemed extreme.

Mio stepped in after me and backed up against the door, holding the knob in one hand and my wrist in the other. Our knees were almost touching, her body was so warm. I looked up slowly from our knees to her face, where I couldn't help but smile at the sight of her red cheeks. I'd never seen a grown woman blush so much.

"You keep getting very red in the face when I come near you. Giana does that too..." I said quietly, studying her furious pink face.

Those eyebrows came down again in an annoyed frown, but for some reason, it didn't seem as genuine as earlier. "Oh, stop it. Shut up, Norah." she whispered.

Jackie's footsteps passed the bathroom door, and we both listened to them pad against the capretting and disappear into her room, silencing behind a closed door. We were staring at each other again - more I was looking at her lovely mouth. Where her lips parted, her breath came quite shallowly, I felt it against my chin; I saw her chest rise and fall under her top. That mouth brought out feelings in me I didn't know I could have, feelings I hadn't felt for anyone, and especially not Giana. Those feelings made me breathe in just the same way; in and out, in and out, but with heaviness. With a drag that came from somewhere deep in my stomach.

"Why are we hiding if we didn't do anything wrong?" I asked softly, feeling her thin fingers squeeze around my wrist.

"I," she swallowed, I saw it. "I don't know - move back, I can't breathe!"

I held up the hand she was gripping by the wrist and wriggled my fingers. She let go of that hand, her fingers sliding off slowly, in a way that made my skin warm where she touched.

"Is it because you're hot that you can't breathe?"

"Excuse me?" She raised her eyebrow.

"Your face is so red - it's because you're feeling hot, right?" I said quietly. "Or is it something else?"

Mio shook her head like she was scolding me. With the hand on the knob, she twisted it and left the bathroom. I stood there for a moment, like I had in the kitchen those nights before, and just sighed.

I was avoiding it in my mind, and I knew. For the rest of the evening, I realised I had to face up to the fact that things hadn't smoothed over from ignoring what I'd said. I had to face it.

I left Jackie's for home later in the evening, feeling honestly dejected on my ride home. And to add to the roughness of my mood, it started to heavily rain halfway there. My uniform began to stick to me with the downpour, making my legs stiff and my chest chill.

I must be an idiot, I really am an idiot. I cursed myself over and over, teeth chattering, knuckles white where I was gripping my handlebars. It wasn't the noise, it wasn't the noise at all - it was me. I couldn't ignore the fact that I was the problem, me and my words, and the things I'd flippantly blurted in the heat of my emotion. Every time I was with her, I revealed how immature I could really be instead of showing her that I was a woman too - not a thirteen-year-old.

Maturity comes with making mature decisions - but stupidly, I never seemed to think for more than five seconds before doing. So, when I turned my bike around and started pedalling hard back up the hill, I couldn't sensibly decide whether I was making a good decision. Because, like always, it was an impulsive idea. I thought I wouldn't be able to sleep if I didn't though, that maybe I wouldn't be able to eat.

My calves were burning as I pushed on back up the road, back towards Jackie's house, back towards Mio. The rain was so cold that my skin had started to numb to its relentlessness. Loose strands of my hair were slicked against my cheeks and forehead, but I made no effort to brush them back away from my eyes. I wasn't that far from Jackie's, so I just pedalled on without a break.

At the gate, I threw my bike down against the sidewalk, hopping over it's frame and up to the front door. I think I was shivering. I knocked on the door with the side of my curled fist. Please, please, open the door, Mio, and look at me, I remember thinking, my heart growing into the back of my mouth, ballooning in my throat. My knuckles were red in the cold.

The door opened. Mio stood there, frowning worriedly, a cardigan wrapped over her torso. "Norah..." She started softly.

"I'm sorry. I'm genuinely really sorry for what I said, that night in the kitchen. I ignored how you felt on purpose as if it would make you forget I said anything at all, but... I know I made you uncomfortable, and I'm so sorry." I gushed.

Her eyes dragged over my drenched form sadly. Rain was dripping off the end of my nose. "Come in. Come on, you'll catch a cold."

I shook my head. I just needed her to know I was sorry, I just needed her to hear that I meant it. I couldn't go inside and let it go ignored, let the subject be changed and have it buried. She had to know.

"Please, it's raining. Come in." She pleaded again, waving me towards her.

I stood still, despite knowing I would love to just step inside with her and let her dry me. But I stood put. She sighed and turned back into the house, leaving the front door wide open. I thought about going in. I thought about standing in the hall, dripping wet, and having her stand opposite and dry my hair gently with a towel. I thought about leaning my head against her shoulder and having her arms close around me. I thought about having her whisper, "it's okay," until I believed it. The idea was only a ghost. What kind of life would that be?

She came back to the doorway with a blue umbrella clutched in her hand. She opened it out, stepped out into the front yard and closed the door behind her. Her lovely features had been tugged by worry; worry for me. She was standing close enough that the umbrella was sheltering both of our heads, angled to suit me more than her.

"I'm sorry." I said again.

"It's okay, Norah, it's alright." She spoke gently, nodding the umbrella towards me again. "You don't have to worry."

"Are you sure? I really acted stupidly, and I know it. You don't have to be nice about it." I said honestly, looking down at my feet like a scolded dog. Feeling sorry for myself did nothing really, but I genuinely wanted to curl up and die. Getting ahead of myself had only made me face the fact that I could never be happy chasing Mio.

"Things happen, don't they?" She said.

I sighed at her response. I didn't do it on purpose, believe me, and I wanted to tell her that. But I think she already knew. I'd always thought I wasn't made out for it, that I was someone who hadn't needed it. But once I realised it, I found it wasn't the romance I needed. It was just her.

Her hand came forward and touched my cheek. My eyes rose from my feet to her eyes. With the back of her finger, she slid the wet hair plastered to my cheeks behind my ears and wiped my jawline with her fingertips. My heart was swollen inside me. Every time I wished it wasn't her that I'd blossomed these feelings for, I thought of her face and felt awful for lying. I couldn't imagine it not being her. And how ridiculous was that?

"Come in, I'll get you dried up." She whispered, still touching my jaw.

I spoke, biting the inside of my cheek. "I'll just go."

She didn't argue with me that time, though she looked like she wanted to. And with a heavy heart, I rode back home.