euphoria | jungkookxreader

part 43

I don't know what to say to him. How do you tell someone, 'Hey, I don't want to go on a date with you because I like your friend'? Maybe like that. Fuck, I'm thinking about it for too long.

"I don't mind," I answer nervously. There's no reason I shouldn't want to go on a date with Yoongi. He's handsome and beautiful, all at once. Standing there with his porcelain skin and soft, but bright eyes. His smile warms my heart and his voice is soothing. He's very much a nurturer and I could see it in the way he takes care of his younger band mates, and sometimes even his older one.

I feel guilty still. For betraying myself, mostly. Even as I try to work myself up to be excited about going on a date with Yoongi, I can't help that Jungkook has just snuck his way into the darkest depths of my heart.

"Are you sure, Y/n? You seem hesitant," he asked softly.

It was true. I was hesitant. Not just because of Jungkook, but also because this would be the first date I've gone on in years. Literal years.

"I-I'm hesitant because I'm surprised still. I don't mind going on a date to see if anything comes of this," I say and can see his shoulders drop the tiniest bit when I say 'if'.

"And I'm mostly hesitant because I... I haven't been on a date in a long time, but I wouldn't mind going on one with you," I admit half-heartedly. It hurts me to not feel fully into the date while saying yes, but I don't know if I could handle outright saying no.

We had walked pretty far around the block and were approaching the house when he stopped again to look at me.

"Just one date, and if you don't want to after that, I won't be upset. Just glad that we got to try. It's soon, but are you busy tomorrow?" He asked determinedly.

Tomorrow? He really isn't going to let this opportunity get past him.. or me.

I rack my brain to remember if I have anything planned. Jiwoo already was handling the outfits for the award ceremony. Everything at the restaurant was in order and the crew would be handling stocking the kitchen for dinner soon. My mother already came to see me. The filming and stuff had been cancelled with BigHit Labels.

"I should be free tomorrow," I smile at him. His face lights up and we continue walking our way back to the house. His smiles his gummy smile and his eyes shine like stars. He really was a beautiful man.

Once we make it home, as soon we walk through the door of the house, my heart sinks at the sight before me.

Of course he's the first person I see when we get back.

Jungkook and Namjoon were in the middle of a hug when we came in. It seemed like they were having a serious talk.

"Oh, hey guys," Yoongi waved at them with a smile on his face.

A smile that I put there.

Meanwhile, I felt frozen in place. Jungkook had the ability to take my breath away but just this time I wanted to disappear from his sight. I smiled and waved at him but it felt wrong once our eyes met. I liked him but was going to go on a date with his hyung.

Why am I even worried? He'd have to be interested in me and not freshly out of a long term relationship first in order to care. I'm getting worked up for nothing. It's just a date.

I excused myself to go to my room as Yoongi approached them. I couldn't bear to be in both Yoongi and Jungkook's presence at the same time.

I could feel my heart pounding harder and harder as I walked faster and faster to my bedroom and quickly shut the door behind me. I leaned against my door and just collapsed against it and onto the floor.

I could feel the tears well up in my eyes for what felt like no reason.

What is wrong with me?

I couldn't think of anything to do other than call Jiwoo. As I gained enough composure to do so, I heard a loud shutting of Jungkook's door from across the hall. Footsteps followed in the wake of the crash, and I could hear Namjoon's soft voice calling out to the maknae from the other side.

No avail.

I decided to open my door quickly to see what's going on. Thankfully it was dark in the hallway, and Namjoon couldn't see that I had just been crying.

"Namjoon? What's going on? Is he okay?" I ask quietly.

"O-oh, hey Y/n. He's fine, you know the deal... girl problems," Namjoon shrugged without making eye contact with me.

He must be more torn up about IU than we all thought. I guess my advice wasn't that effective. Or maybe it was my efforts?

Maybe I should just not expect to come into this life and fix this problem for him.

"Yeah, I.. understand, boy problems are pretty similar," I offer in condolence as I retreat back to my room sheepishly.

I felt stupid now and no longer felt the need to call Jiwoo.

I had been sitting here giving myself a near anxiety attack because I like this guy while he's still heartbroken over his ex. Yoongi is a really great guy and I got along with him when we first met, and there's no reason I should feel bad about giving him a chance.

Just because I like Jeon Jungkook doesn't mean I can't like Min Yoongi either. I mean.. not at the same time, but... god damn it what am I thinking? Of course I can't like them like that at the same time.

I tuck my legs into my body and rest my head on my knees.

Ever since I met you Jungkook, you have absolutely driven me up a wall.

I can't like you because you're not emotionally available.

I can't not like you because you're you.

I like the way your eyes crinkle when you laugh too hard. I like the way your hair is messy and fluffy when you just wake up. I like the way you express yourself.

I like you, idiot, but it's just not the right time, I guess.

It was childish, but I scrambled up to run around my room looking for a piece of paper and something to write with. I tore the paper in half and scribbled down a choice on each one.

The first paper: Tell Yoongi the truth.

The second paper: Just enjoy the date.

As soon as I wrote both options and folded the papers up until their contents were hidden, I could feel my gut automatically leaning towards a specific decision.

Sometimes just the act of having to making a decision itself was enough to reveal the truth, but I was going to commit to whatever I picked.

I could feel the existential dread in my system as I picked a folded up paper after having shuffled the two pieces.

I held my breath as I held the final decision in my hands.

Do I know what I want?

Do I want to go on this date?

Do I want to tell Yoongi the truth?

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath as I finally unfold the paper.

I feel resignation overwhelm my body as I read and reread my own handwriting, as if I'm trying to make sure that I actually wrote it.

I made my bed and now I have to lay in it, I guess.

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author's note:
Sorry for the delay between chapters!