Good Company

Chapter 27

~March 27th 1975~ 

Brian lay wide awake, and although he longed to sleep he found himself contemplating the most absurd things. Things one ought not to think of when they want to go to sleep. His thoughts went out to Roger, mostly. They had gotten back on track, or at least they were on the right path to getting back on track, but something changed. He loved Roger, no doubt to that, but he couldn't shake the feeling that this wasn't the Roger he knew. He sat alone more often, gazing at a far away point instead of playing with Freddie and John, and his cheerful remarks were more often than not swallowed. 

Perhaps we shouldn't have left the comfort of the hospital so soon. I love having him at home but he's not the same. How can I act like before if he keeps shutting himself out? I want to help, I do, but my attempts don't get any response. I need to continue, but how much longer? How long before I snap? That's a selfish thought, don't go there when you know he can't help it. It's not his fault that he needs time. It's not his fault. 

Whose is it then? That answer may be simple: Prenter's. More complicated is also possible: both mine and Prenter's. Paul hurt him physically and mentally, yes. That can never be underrated. But where was I when he needed me? What did I do when he wouldn't answer my letters? Why did I not pressure the police to investigate further? I could have prevented it, or at least shortened the process. I knew Freddie and John lived in the same house as that bastard, I could have activated them to call the cops. Why didn't I? Why didn't I protect my love? Why did my honour and pride leave me when I needed it the most? 

Damn you've got to stop rambling. This isn't about pride or honour, it's about your lack of  sensitivity and compassion. You claim to love him, yet you only think about yourself. How hard this is for you. How much you have suffered. How much you have been through. Stop this nonsense. You are not the victim here, Roger is. The only thing you can do is try everything in your power to make him feel at home again, to make him feel alive. Make him feel like himself. You had one job. Roger is isolating himself because he thinks you consider him a burden. Now let's go over why he might think so. You rarely compliment him, nor do you pay special attention to him. Every once in a while he comes up to you to talk or just to be with you, but you usually tell him you're busy. 

Why do you keep doing this? You claim to love him, yet you do nothing but push him away because he acts different. And the reason he acts different is that he's been brainwashed and sexually assaulted by a weirdo. You have no valid point to defend your cause. Your behaviour towards the man you say you love with all your heart must change. If not for your sake, then definitely for his. 

But how? I've fallen in such a rabbit hole, I'm starting to feel like Alice. Chasing a perfect white rabbit that doesn't exist anymore to a world of imagination, and ignoring the beautiful, slightly messy rabbit that needs my help in the real world. The bubble of our past life has splashed, and now  we're supposed to collect the bits and pieces and assemble a new life, which may not be as we expected, but it's still our life. You cannot expect to live a happy life without any complications. This happening is our speed bump, but once we're past this we can live happily ever after. Instead of a few inconveniences spread over a few years, we got our share of bad luck all at once. If we can conquer this, we can do anything. We could go to the moon, travel around the world, write best-selling novels.. Hell, we could even be part of a popular band. Nothing is impossible once we've overcome this obstacle. But you cannot expect Roger to fix this all by himself. That is unfair towards him in so many ways. 

Alright then, let's make a to-do list. Just some minor changes that could possibly affect our lives. Let's see... 

1) Appreciate Roger more. Compliment him, take more time to talk to him about little things. Make him feel loved. 

2) Stop making snarky remarks if he does something wrong or if he has a clumsy moment. It's not his fault, he can't help it, so stop pretending like he should be perfect. You aren't, so why should others be? 

3) Whenever you feel like saying a mean thing, or if you feel like shit, just write about it. Writing releaves stress, and when something is written down, your brain feels like it doesn't need to cling to it as much because it's written somewhere. This way, you can forget about stupid little things more easily and depressing thoughts aren't nearly as effective. 

4) Spend more time with Freddie and John, for the love of god. They have been through hell as well, don't you forget that. 

5) Cook more. Other than doing something you love, a prospect is that your mood is more bearable for the people around you when you cook. 

There, that's a fine list to start with. Now go to sleep, dumbass. You're going to make an elaborate I'm sorry-breakfast for your boys. And don't you dare ever treat them any less than they deserve, or I'm coming for you.