3:00 am | on hold

neves

I was an entirely different person outside the walls that held me in and I had the feeling Rowan knew it too.

"I'm sorry." My quiet voice was raw with emotion, cheeks left moist with the tears that streamed down my face only minutes ago. I looked down on my knees and stared at the ugly purple and yellow blotches that formed the bruise.

I didn't know what I was apologizing for. Maybe it was because I was a broken mess and I was overwhelming him with emotions and he had to endure seeing me like this and I felt nothing and I had to be the one he talked to that day—

'You never should've gone out,' my mind taunted me. 'Now you're involving other people with your problems.'

"Kaylee." Rowan's voice was breathy as he pushed himself off the wall and closed the distance between us. His citrus scent that swept over me reminded me of warmth and beautiful sunsets, dulling the heavy feeling in my chest.

I tilted my head and looked up at him, too weak to stand up from the bench.

"You didn't do anything wrong," he said and bent down until his gaze leveled with mine. "There's nothing to be sorry about, you hear me?"

But what he didn't know was his words only served as a reminder of the horrible things I had done, starting with the only person who genuinely cared for me. It shattered what was left of my heart, leaving an aching feeling in my chest.

I looked away, vulnerable under his gaze. "There's something you should know about me."

Rowan was quiet as he went up to his feet and sat next to me, our bodies almost touching. There was something about his face that made him seem innocent and clueless, but I knew he'd been through as many things as I had.

His eyes showed too much pain for me not to realize that.

The only thing I doubted was whether he was going to understand what I was about to tell him, yet I knew deep inside I owed him too much not to tell him the truth.

"I–I'm not who you think I am." My breath caught and a lump formed in my throat. "M-My sister—" My voice faltered and I had to swallow back a sob. I opened my mouth but couldn't bring myself to speak. My chest throbbed, the breath leaving my body.

Then suddenly I was underwater.

My breaths came in short gasps. There were bubbles all over me and my arms were fraying, desperately trying to get hold of something—anything that I can use to pull myself up before I drown. I was about to—

"Stay with me." My eyes snapped open at the shaking of my shoulders. I inhaled a sharp breath, my vision clearing. There was a pair of familiar hazel eyes staring back at me, and the water was gone like it was never there to start with.

A sob formed in my throat, aching to escape my lips but I held it in.

"What happened, are you okay?" His voice was urgent, but what I heard in my head was merely an echo. I forced myself to smile at him, Kaitlyn's smirk, and it was too late for me to realize I had done it subconsciously.

I blinked then things slowly went into focus. The pounding in my head subsided as Rowan placed his hand above mine. I watched him as he sat close to me and let my head–which suddenly felt heavy–lie on his shoulder.

I turned my neck to look up at him, but the words died in my throat when I saw the worried expression on his face. My lips already tugged up into a small smile before I could realize it.

"I can't believe you really came," I murmured, tears stinging my eyes. Don't cry.

Rowan craned his head to look at me, a smile playing on his lips. "I'm not going anywhere."

My chest tightened. Kaitlyn said the same thing.

The breeze died down as I lay on his shoulder and listened to his deep slow breathing. I felt my body relax, my heartbeat going back to its normal pace. It was the first time I felt peace ever since Kaitlyn left this world.

All this time I thought there was a piece of me that she took with her. I desperately searched for it, grasping blindly in the dark with all I had left. Too much that I built up the unanswered chaos inside of me.

I thought I was never going to find that lost part of myself again, but what I was looking for had been buried deep inside of me from the very start. I was just too caught up with my demons to see it.

And it was Rowan who showed me the path.

"I think I made you up inside my head." Another quote that had been burning in my head for days, and it was too late when I realized I said it out loud.

He replied instantly, and I almost believed it if it wasn't for the amused edge to his voice. "Maybe you did."

Laughing softly, I stared up at him and took my time to memorize the sharp features of his face. I suddenly had the urge to trace the line of his straight nose, the curve of his upper lip, and his prominent jawline, but I held myself back.

"You're attractive too."

His words snapped me out of my trance. "What?"

He laughed, his voice a beautiful melody. "Nothing, I just assumed you were thinking about how charming I am by the way you were staring at me."

A scoff escaped my lips, but it didn't stop me from smiling widely. "You're unbelievable."

"All the best people are." He gave me a grin that made my heart flutter.

I yawned, my eyes drifting close as I snuggled closer to him, seeking warmth. "You're the cure for my insomnia, you know that?"

Silence fell between us, then there was a sharp intake of breath and I felt the back of his palm against my forehead. "Shit, you're hot."

My eyes snapped open as I choked at his words and sat upright, distancing myself away from him. I stared at Rowan, horrified. "W-What?"

He blinked, and I knew it was only then that he understood what I meant. His cheeks turned bright red. "N-No, damn. I meant your forehead is burning up and I think you caught a fever. You need to go back home right now and rest." The words hurriedly left his lips.

My cheeks were still warm as I nodded. My eyelids were getting heavy and I knew I wouldn't be able to get home if I didn't leave soon. But there was something nagging me at the corner of my mind.

"Wait," I breathed out. "I need to tell you something before I leave."

Rowan shook his head as he stood up. His voice was soft. "It's okay, you can tell me the next time you come here. You know I'm not going anywhere... Just promise me you'll only go out once you get well."

I sighed. "Fine, I'll be back soon."

He helped me up to my feet with a farewell smile. My knees burned with pain as soon as my feet hit the ground, but it wasn't sore enough that I couldn't walk back home. The sun was rising and I knew it was only borrowed time I had, so I turned my back on him and left.

But he lied. Because he wasn't there when I came back.