3:00 am | on hold

owt

For weeks, it was an endless cycle of playing pretend in the morning and not being able to sleep at night.

There were dark circles under my eyes, and I could barely move. The pounding in my head couldn't have been worse.

No matter how hard I tried to let myself drift off, my brain just wouldn't shut down. Maybe a song was on repeat in my head. Maybe my ears were constantly ringing. Maybe I could notice my heart beating. Or maybe all were happening at the same time.

And when I did sleep, it wasn't long before I was shooting up straight out of the bed with my forehead covered in cold sweat. The nightmares I had were the same and they all ended with me drowning underwater, with my mother not doing anything as her daughter got swallowed by the darkness.

"I never liked your sister anyway." Her voice echoed.

I was different from Kaitlyn, so why hadn't anyone seen that? Why was it that among the two of us, I was only her shadow? What made my sister so special?

I never understood this heavy feeling in my chest. Kaitlyn was my sister and I should have felt happy for her. But no, I was jealous.

Up until now, I thought I wouldn't bat an eye if she disappeared. I thought that if she was gone I would gain what she had. Love. So why was it when she died, I lost the remaining part of myself that hadn't been consumed by envy?

I was so selfish...

My eyes stung as a wave of thoughts crashed against my mind, too loud not to be heard in the quiet room I was in.

The digital clock beeped from the bedside table, the blue light blinking against the dark.

2: 53 a.m.

My vision tilted as I swung my legs to the ground and stood up from the bed, rubbing my eyes aggressively.

There was no point in trying to sleep now.

I grabbed the oversized hoodie that was hanging unattended on the chair and wore it over my tank top. Quickly shrugging off my pajama pants, I pulled on my denim shorts and wore my sandals.

The air was still as I padded out the room and carefully closed the door behind me.

I turned and let my eyes adjust to the dark before walking through the corridor. I hesitated when I passed the door at the end. The one leading to my room. The one I owned before I became my sister.

For a mere second, my fingers lifted to grab the doorknob, but I restrained myself and headed straight to the main door. You're not Kaylee anymore.

I paused for a short moment, then I pulled it open and left the house before anyone could notice I was missing.

The icy breeze harshly nipped my cheeks when I stepped out of the porch, the dark clear sky setting off a gloom that filled the still air. I buried my clammy hands in my pockets before setting off to the sidewalk.

In the small town of Ashbourne, the streets were usually deserted at night, but it seemed today was different.

My sandals slapped against the pavement, the tall street lights illuminating the path ahead of me. I resisted the urge to pull my hood up and instead just kept my head down at the people passing by.

"It's dangerous for a girl like you to be out here this time at night." A deep voice broke me out of my thoughts.

I stopped in my tracks and slowly looked around my surroundings. I blinked when I noticed I was the only one left in the streets.

Well, two of us.

I peered at the boy leaning against the bench. He had curly brown hair that flopped over his hooded hazel eyes, which were unmistakably glinting under the yellow light. I shivered from the cold.

"What if I told you it's why I left home in the first place?" I spoke carefully.

"Touché." He went up to his feet, his hands going to his jean pockets. "I'm Rowan."

"Kait-" I hesitated, shifting from one foot to another. "Kaylee."

Rowan raised an eyebrow at the slip-up but thankfully didn't make a comment on it.

"So, what's a girl like you doing outside at 3 in the morning?" he said instead.

I shifted my gaze away and stared at the nearby coffee shop at the end of the intersection.

"I want to be able to sleep in an open field, to travel west, to walk freely at night." The words left my lips naturally. It was from my favorite book, and it had been stuck in my mind ever since I had read it.

Rowan's lips curled up. "Perhaps someday I'll crawl back home, beaten, defeated. But not as long as I can make stories out of my heartbreak, beauty out of sorrow." He played along, his voice a beautiful melody.

It only took me a second to realize that he quoted from the same book. Heat rushed up to my cheeks. "You know Sylvia Plath?"

He took a small step closer, his roguish eyes burning into mine. "I desire the things which will destroy me in the end."

I stumbled back, my heart pounding loudly in my chest. I opened my mouth, but no words came out. There was something about him I couldn't quite place a finger on, but it didn't matter. Not when I was living for everyone but myself.

A chuckle reverberated deep in his throat. He retreated a step. "You look so surprised. Should I be offended?"

I mentally flinched. "You're the first person I met who knows her works and appreciates them. I thought I was alone."

"I know I don't look the type." His lips twisted into a grin. "But trust me, it's what makes me more interesting."

"I guess we'll see," I replied and tugged a loose strand of hair behind my ear.

I licked my dry lips and settled on the wooden bench, leaning my head against it. I gazed upwards and let my eyes drift close.

The wood creaked as Rowan sat beside me, leaving a small space between us.

I can stay here for a while, I thought to myself as I listened to the birds singing faintly from a nearby tree.

"I ran away from home." He broke the silence between us, his voice quiet and vulnerable.

I cracked my eyes open and frowned at him. The look of hurt on his face seemed unusual for the boy I thought of him to be, but I wasn't in the position to judge.

"M-My parents fight night and day and I couldn't bear it anymore." His voice cracked. "The walls suffocate me and their shouts make me feel weak and useless. I'm glad I met you today." He gave me a small smile.

"Me too," I whispered. "It's been too long since I've felt like myself."

If only he knew...

"Well." Rowan stood up and faced me, his hair tousled by the night breeze. A lopsided smile replaced his frown. "If you ask me, it's too early to talk about our sorrows and I have a much better plan in mind."

"What do you say we get out of here?" His eyes glinted in mischief, and it was then I knew my summer was about to change.