3:00 am | on hold

xis

It had been hours since I envisioned Kaitlyn in the dining room and it messed with my thoughts.

I didn't know whether to feel scared that my mind was capable of doing something utterly consequential or to be thankful for seeing her one last time. But what I was sure of was my head tried to tell me something.

And it might change everything I thought I understood.

Lying wide awake in bed, I recalled my father's face when we sat at the table and tried to ignore the heavy tension that lingered in the air, to no avail.

There were deep visible creases on his forehead, and he was biting his lip so hard I thought it would bleed. The action itself was familiar and it only took me a second to know that the gears were turning his head. I didn't bother to ask what happened between them.

'If only they talk to me about it like every other parent.'

'If only there is someone I can speak to about this.'

'If only I am normal.'

So many dreams that were never answered. When would I ever learn?

* * *

There was something nagging at me in the corner of my memory. I grappled for it, but the thought slipped away into the depths of my mind before I could take the time to ponder.

I sat up on the bed and gripped the thick blanket with my fingers. My forehead was throbbing with pain and my stomach was churning in discomfort. I released a breath, a bead of sweat rolling down my hot back.

I didn't know how long I tried to shut my mind off and sleep. But it didn't matter, not when I was used to it. Sleepless nights were part of my everyday routine.

Peeling the sheets off my sweating body, I clicked the bedside lamp open and got out of bed without hesitation. I stripped off my top and put on a black shirt, replacing my flimsy pajama bottoms with shorts to expose my legs to the cool air. I slipped on my sandals.

I was glad my father brought me new clothes, but it was the least he could do. I would've gone insane if I needed to wear Kaitlyn's. No one would be able to take it.

My chest hollowed out at the thought and tears sprung to my eyes but I blinked them back. The doorknob felt cool in my grasp as I twisted it open and left the room.

It was late at night and I was the only one awake in the house. My shoes padded on the cool wooden floor as I walked along the dim corridor and passed the kitchen. I knew what I needed to do until something made me freeze in my tracks.

A muffled sob coming from my parent's room.

The hair on my skin stood on end, uneasiness settling on my empty stomach. For a second, I didn't know what to do.

I recovered from the shock and carefully stepped towards the wooden door. My heart was beating out of my chest as I brought a hand up to knock—

"Shhh, it's okay love." My father's subdued voice echoed through, his words oddly soft and gentle. I detected a faint crack to it like he was struggling not to break down.

I halted, my arm hanging limp at my sides.

The sound that followed was weak and hushed. It was barely there, and I knew I wouldn't have heard it if it wasn't for the dead silent corridor.